W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore.

[GAL Man]

Next

These are the rules which we all go by here, I think sandi came up with them.

Print them out or put them on your smartphone (If you have 1) keep them on you, read the daily. These will help, stick to them like glue........

The rules....

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse
completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you.
Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead,
you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read
marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her
to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get
his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a
future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private
matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and
affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save
for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for
you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and
that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other
words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times.
Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause
the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she
is in or what he/she is going to do or say - get busy, think of things to
do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for
yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite
them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with
your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your
spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant
expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don' t act like you are pouting. Use poise and
class. This does not mean to act like you aren't speaking, but don't be



16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You
are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your
kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be
missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is
important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and
contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected.
Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time,
somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you!
Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may
be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking
like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes
patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't
take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have
to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it
will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes
his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When
you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you
want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them
in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are
speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk.
This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your
health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you
are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a
large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead,
focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see.
Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and
scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes
are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If
it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems
will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely
necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily
arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.