Well that didn't go very well at all. Caught up with w, all nice and light early on talking about ourselves, what we've been up to. She then started talking about the M, about everything I did wrong, she was crying the whole time. I started validating everything she said, told her why I was like that, the work I've been doing on myself etc. She cried more, asking why I couldn't tell her what I was going through, why I bottled it up inside etc.
She then said she can never go back now, she has made her decision. She is sad as we had so much potential, but she no longer loves me like that and couldn't imagine being with me again. She wants to start splitting up assets etc. She then cried more and more and had to leave to go home. Said she doesn't miss having to try and make me happy all the time and she is happy being on her own and not having to worry about anyone else. I asked if she would consider going to MC again......she said sorry no she's done, we both need to move on. Then she walked away in tears and that was it........I dont expect to hear from her again. I'm so unhappy now.......i didn't want to hear any of that, all I wanted was catch up....she started the M discussion, I tried to validate and hear her. I said to her if she has no feelings for me then why cry so much.....she said it's because she will always care for me, but not as a H.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
You didn't hear what you wanted to hear, but are you sure it didn't go well?
I wonder if there is some new 'divorce guide' where the WAW talks about potential but no longer wants to be together. Sounds exactly like my WAW.
Would be nice to get a copy of their playbook, wouldn't it?
Only thing I would suggest is that you are light years from thinking about MC right now - so if the opportunity does arise again, don't bring it up. At best, you are subtly pressuring her to recommit.
One of the powerful things about these experiences is that it does show us how completely separate we all are as human beings in this world.
Quote:
make me happy all the time and she is happy being on her own and not having to worry about anyone else.
What do you take from this?
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Country, I know what you're saying and believe me it has crossed my mind since this whole thing started. Now I may be naive, but I honestly don't think there is another guy involved.....she just seems so messed up to consider this. Although the girl she lives with is single and always trying to meet guys. My w is a sweet, lovely girl who has been through so much sh!t in her life, and she is messed up. She thinks this will make her happy and she wants to start her life again. I don't know, maybe I'm just foolish, but I see all her reasons why she feels this way about me, I see how i was over the years and hell, I wouldn't love me either! I pushed her away with my moods, my immaturity and basically being a jerk - she couldnt take anymore and was sick of trying to make me happy. Which wasn't her role, she was not responsible for my happiness, I was and am. She felt she was always trying to do the right things by me, and now she can't give anymore. If I find out if there is an OM, I will rip their f Ken head off! Ok, angry cam calm down! Do you think I should hire a PI to find out once and for all??
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
You didn't hear what you wanted to hear, but are you sure it didn't go well?
Quote:
make me happy all the time and she is happy being on her own and not having to worry about anyone else.
What do you take from this?
Yep pretty sure it didn't go well. Although I didn't cry, but I did tell her I miss her, miss my best friend and miss all the fun we used to have. Yep, all wrong of me. I didn't tell her I loved her though.
My w is someone who always was trying to please people, always worrying about other people, always putting others before herself. It is a classic symptom of an adult with attachment issues. Now she is on her own and since all this started she is so focused in herself and not worrying about others or making me or anyone else happy.
I guess now where to from here.......do I call to check if she's ok, or just let it be and get some darkness......I'm not sure what the right move is after that one???
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
Just journaling about today.....the whole interaction: So we arrived at the cafe, she looked good, she is so beautiful even in her yoga gear. Started getting annoyed at myself that I hardly ever told her how pretty she was. First 30 min was nice...talking about what we've been doing, she's proud of me for my new role, shes got a promotion: which she said doesn't come into affect till next year, which sounds like she's not going back to the States as soon as I thought. She then brought up my email from this week and the phone call......saying thank you for acknowledging everything I did wrong, my taking a look at myself. She is proud of me that I've changed a lot and grown up and can see I'm not who I was last year and ive made changes for myself for the better. I told her I am trying to get myself back to the happy go lucky, fun cam that she met in Portugal all those years ago. She said, that's the cam she fell in love with. She missed that cam over the last couple of years. She was asking about our house and her garden....she loves gardenias, so I said hers was blooming. She asked about our small frangipani, which struggled in winter, so she said "we" should move it indoors, then corrected herself to say "you".
She feels all our great times and memories are tainted now, she sees our whole R very differently and always as a struggle. She is still bringing up things that I did 8 years ago (god, get over it!). She says it was so hard for her to leave the house and move out and she could not consider going back now. Too much has happened, and she doesn't see or love me the same way. She cant imagine being with me again - that really hurts to hear. She started crying a lot, saying how sad she was for us, taking some responsibility for this in that she should have communicated better, she didn't realize i was having such a hard time etc. I then said I don't want this W, and I wish we could give it another shot and try MC again. She said she's done, her decision is made, she can't go back now, and she doesn't feel the same way about me. She was crying a lot.
I told her how much I miss my best friend and all the fun we used to have. She cried and walked off. I texted her later to see if she was ok, and just said take care and I'm sorry for bringing us to this place. She replied with thanks, take care and its not all your fault, she should have communicated better.
Now what? I dont know what to do next. She said she wants to start splitting assets. I said no I don't want that, to which she said well I dont care when we do it, there's no rush so we'll do it when you're ready. Well that's about it.....tough day, I came home and a lot of emotions flowed.
Its so sad, as she even said we get on so well still. We haven't seen each other or spoken properly in many weeks and then soon as we do its as if we've never been apart, we're great friends. She stated this. So then why do we have to do this, that's what I don't get. We are so alike in every way and have so much in common and were so in love. She still has this wall up and now says she was very young when we got together, 23, so what, she was 27 when we married.
Well I don't know what the next move is or what I can do now. Any advice would be great. I feel like she is so stubborn and so set on this path, that there is no going back for her, particularly when she feels like she does. I guess I will have to let her go and what will be will be.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
Said she doesn't miss having to try and make me happy all the time and she is happy being on her own and not having to worry about anyone else.
Originally Posted By: cam
I guess now where to from here.......do I call to check if she's ok, or just let it be and get some darkness......I'm not sure what the right move is after that one???
Are you listening to her?
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Feeling really sad today after yesterday's meeting......just reaffirmed how much I miss her, miss my best friend. And how far she she moved on and doesn't love me like she used to and I can't get out of my head how she said she could never imagine being with me like we were again. I'm so lost without her.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
Cares about what? You....okay.....no one said you two never had to speak again. What is there really to cry about....the death of the M, it's been 7 months, this hasn't sunk in for her yet since separation why she has been all happy?
I mean if anyone should be crying it should be Cam right?
She feels all your great memories together are tainted? And a struggle? Really?
Rewriting of history perhaps.
But you two get along so well now?
Signs are there Cam it's not adding all up.
I hate to say too b/c it's no fun.
I'd almost wager money that if you hired a PI.....OM would pop up.
But OM doesn't change your goals Cam.
And if you go all crazy it will push her farther away.
You'll make OM look like prince charming
We don't want that.
Me:29 WW:26 No kids 2 dogs T: 11 M: 2 D-day 1: 08/2010 D-day 2: 05/2011 1 POSOM Separated: 06/2011 WW ILY commits to M 9/18 Files D 9/19 ILY Still 9/21 WW are fun
