Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

Been packing most of the evening. I'd say I'm about.. 67% packed up at this point.


Journaling some thoughts - feel free to pick at all or some of them if you think my thinking is sloppy:

Had an interesting thought today on this whole thing about "friends" -

Lets say that I chose to be friends w/ WAW down the road. What does that relationship look like? To me, it strikes me as a very asymmetrical relationship.

I want her, and she does not want me.

What kind of 'friendship' does that create?

What sort of dynamics does that kind of asymmetry lead to?

On the other hand, lets say that I say "I don't want to be friends with you" and she is sincere in wanting to be friends with me.

Doesn't that create asymmetry?

Schnarch talks a lot about High Demand and Low Demand Partner, and how this is a natural part of the ecology of relationships. Yet at this level, I suspect there is more fusion or gridlock at play than there is a simple question of demand.

A friendship in this light could be seen as a collusive alliance to avoid self-confrontation. I don't wish to play a part in that.

Of course, all of this assumes that her desire for friendship is sincere, and not about 'looking' a certain way or even 'seeing herself' in a certain light.

Perhaps to her, a friendship with me minimizes the damage of her decisions.

But I return to my earlier post - what kind of friendship is that? Under the circumstances of how things ended, what does that look like, realistically? I don't think it would look very healthy - for either of us.

Of course, lets say its possible that she is moving towards me in a new way but is being very coy and is afraid of being rejected. This is not outside the realm of possibility.

So if that's the case, one could make a reasonable argument that what I'm doing is affecting her.

Or one could make the argument that what she is experiencing is affecting her, and what I'm doing is allowing that effect to be more fully experienced as it relates to her relationship with me.

In that case, I stay the course of taking care of myself and continuing my efforts to GAL, GAJob, and continue to direct the movie of my life.

There is a substantial part of me that wants to confront her but I don't think that I can do that in a way that will be useful right now.