Porn and women from the internet sex sites HELP!!

[LisaLost]

Hi everyone,

I have been on this forum for a while and DBing saved my marriage. I went through 3 PA's with my H and keep standing. These last few years have been pretty good and we seem to have been settling into our 13 year marriage.

At the beginning of the year due to financial reasons we moved from Florida to Iowa for a very good job for H. It seems like things would still be good bc we are basically starting over from everything we have known. We have no one here- except my mom that moved with us bc she is disabled. It seems like this would draw us closer bc we have to rely on each other for support. Well, for those who dont know my story my H had 3 PA's and Lord knows what I dont know about and he claimed he had isses with sexual addiction or thought he did but only spoke with our pastor a few times about it. I recently found a secret email he left the sticky note with the info on it on top of our armoire. I thought here we go again and logged on and found out he had been checking into sites with other couples, you know like swinger sites, I have NO interest in thsi whatsoever but he made it sound like he and I had all this interest in finding another couple. He actually spoke through email with some of them and had them send him pics. well I also found some chick that had sent him personal pic of herself and asked him what he thought about her being in a bikini contest and he replied back to he that he wanted more pics and contact info and she sent more pics and he went back and forth with her about enjoying her looks etc... I confronted him and he just bawsically said I was making a mountain out of a molehill bc he wasnt actually cheating???!!! HELP what should I do now with thsi. I mean we have 6 kids and so many years I want a divorce now bc I dont know what else he is hiding but what???? HELP

[LisaLost]

Another thing to add everytime we ML if you want to call it that he has to have some sort of porn thing going on the TV or computer, UGHHH insulting right? How do I DB this or do I just give up?

[LisaLost]

Do I have this posted in the correct forum? I need some good DB'ers to let me know if it's worth it to fight or not. He will be home from work soon and I am unsure how to act towards him. ANY advice will be appreciated

[kml]

He has a problem. That being said, I'm not sure why THREE affairs wasn't a deal breaker, but internet porn is? Did you think he had completely changed, without getting any treatment for his admitted sexual addiction?

Are you in a position to issue an ultimatum? If so, treatment might save your M. BUT - if you are not financially or otherwise in a position to take the very real chance that he will walk out instead, you may want to bite your tongue until you can get a little emergency fund put away or make some financial plans (see an attorney to see what you would get in temporary support etc.)

Be smart.

[LisaLost]

I know I was stupid with the three affairs, I regret that every day. But things had gotten so much better for the past few years and now wham this and I dont know if it was the stress of the move or what but I just dont think I can take this anymore. Financially I can't issue an ultimatum as of right now I am a SAHM with 6 kids ages 16-2. Am I right in thinking that he is never going to change? I feel so guilty for believing in him and hoping for my forever family but it was a fantasy.

thanks for the response I need(ed) someone to help me sort this out and not make me feel like a total loser for giving up. I admit my stupidlity and blindness and will not let it happen again

[25yearsmlc]

I know I was stupid with the three affairs, I regret that every day.

What do you regret? Forgiving him? Not really addressing them? Just sweeping it under a rug? What's the regret about? and how is your sex life with him (minus the recent developments?) You seem to suggest it's NOT very good b/c you say "ml if you can call it that"...so what gives there?

He may have a sexual addiction (which CAN be a euphemism for serial cheaters)
but you may have a sexual problem or inhibition that's a turn off for him.

Is it a combo? You do have 6 kids...


But things had gotten so much better for the past few years


How so? And what does an online sex "A" mean about that? Does it negate all good memories?

and now wham this and

I dont know if it was the stress of the move or what but I just dont think I can take this anymore.

"Take what", specifically? What is it that so bothers you about THIS, given that 3 affairs were not cause to leave? I'm curious and think it's important. Are you saying that it's simply the last straw even though by comparison it's puny?

Are you possibly still angry about the A's and never resolved them so you are using this as an excuse to bolt the m?


Financially I can't issue an ultimatum as of right now I am a SAHM with 6 kids ages 16-2.

Then DO NOT issue one. Have you read the DB books? Do so again asap.

Ultimatums are only issued when you are REALLY ready for any answer, knowing that it's NOT likely to be the one you hope for...



Am I right in thinking that he is never going to change?

Doing the same thing over & over but expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Since I don't know what you two DID to resolve his prior affairs, I can't say if he'll change. I CAN say I doubt he views online r's the same as a PA....and I'll go out on a limb and submit that most men probably don't equate the two. Though it would definitely anger and concern and hurt me if my h did it, it would NOT be as bad as a real PA...just speaking for me...

I feel so guilty for believing in him and hoping for my forever family but it was a fantasy.

Why would you feel guilty about that? ^^^ What does this sentence mean?


thanks for the response I need(ed) someone to help me sort this out and not make me feel like a total loser for giving up. I admit my stupidlity and blindness and will not let it happen again

so are you giving up? What won't you "let happen again"?

Learn to identify what you have control over and what you don't. Let go of what you don't control...


As for porn and viewing it while ML.... there are other dimensions to this I'm not privy to b/c you imply the ML isn't very good anyhow.

IF it were otherwise satisfying for both of you, then MAYBE you could say-

"I don't care where he gets the appetite, as long as he comes home for dinner."

Since I'm guessing sex isn't too hot for you guys right now, I'd ask why that is. And what he's willing to do about it (and you)


What do you want now? What does he SAY he wants?


I'm not big on saying "give up" so you won't hear that from me.

But no one else is feeling your pain right now. And I don't believe in saving m's at all costs...

I'm just confused why THIS specific act or virtual act, is such a deal breaker when three....3 affairs weren't

and what you thought would change by you guys relocating.

[LisaLost]

I am realy thankful for your open and forward questions. See these are what I need , these are things I don't see or won't see for myself.

I regret not fully following through with his self -admitted issues about other women and how when things would get tough with us with the kids and his job he would just run to the nearest green grass. He is the type that always has to hve his ego stroked and after so many years its hard to do that every day. I will admit that we had a decent sex life until for some reason these movies had to become part of foreplay, now I don't mind it sometimes but EVERY TIME! it makes me feel like I can't turn my husband on with out him making a fantasy involving the people on tv. I just wantthat connection and closemess that actually making love brings not just having sex in competition with the porn folks. I am no prude by any means but I am a woman and would like some tenderness sometimes

While he was gone he realized the grass wasn't greener and the damage that was being done to not only our children but to himself as he wasnt happy being away from his family. He would come home and things would be great then a strssor would push him out the door to anouther woman that gave him the attention and no stress lifestyle he wanted plus he said he could do things sexually with them that he wouldn't even dream of disrespectingme with lol hahaha right? Finally after he had saw that I had really moved on and was living life happily without him he decided he wanted back home for good and things have been good since then bc he knows that it [censored] without us. his words not mine.

I just am very hurt that after we had come so far in repairing our marriage that he goes looking for swinger sites and other women to send him pics and correspond to online it truly hurts.I am still hurt and a littl angry about the affairs but I was standing for my marriage and I think I deserve better than for him to continue with behavior that is harmful to our family it is disrespectful dont you think? Heknows how bad that his A's hurt me.

I feel guilty in that if I would have just ended things 6 years ago we would not have 2 more children in this mess and things might have worked out better with us being d'd. Now here it is again happening He doesn not want our marriage over . He doesn t see what he did is wrong but it is hurtful because I have basically let 3 affairs slide so he thinks he can do whatever he wants and I will just sit here like the good little wife and take it.

I hope I am making some sort of sense. I cant even bring myself to fully lovehim anymore bc who knows when he might come home again and annouce he is leaving for the title clerk at work as he did the first time.

thanks for your time and advice
I need all the help I can get

[LisaLost]

Oh yeah we relocated because of his job and we though that by being away from all the drama of the small town where all this happened we could start over. But basically we relocated fro his work

[25yearsmlc]

I am realy thankful for your open and forward questions. See these are what I need , these are things I don't see or won't see for myself.

I regret not fully following through with his self -admitted issues about other women and how when things would get tough with us with the kids and his job he would just run to the nearest green grass.

^^^this is mostly analysis of yours on how your h reacts to stress and normal life and boredom. What is it you regret not doing? Leaving? Forcing him to....do what? Change?

You have no control over whether he'll change. All you control is your reaction to his not changing or to his new changes...if made.


He is the type that always has to hve his ego stroked and after so many years its hard to do that every day. I will admit that we had a decent sex life until for some reason these movies had to become part of foreplay, now I don't mind it sometimes but EVERY TIME! it makes me feel like I can't turn my husband on with out him making a fantasy involving the people on tv.

so, until he introduced porn into it, the sex was mostly good? And the porn came after or during or before the affairs as far as you know?

I just wantthat connection and closemess that actually making love brings not just having sex in competition with the porn folks. I am no prude by any means but I am a woman and would like some tenderness sometimes

^^^of course.

While he was gone he realized the grass wasn't greener and the damage that was being done to not only our children but to himself as he wasnt happy being away from his family.

so he didn't change, so much as realize he "ought" to have been happier?


He would come home and things would be great then a strssor would push him out the door to anouther woman that gave him the attention and no stress lifestyle he wanted plus he said he could do things sexually with them that he wouldn't even dream of disrespectingme with lol hahaha right?

there are a lot of issues in this one paragraph...

his need for approval is his need for approval. Have you read the Five Love Languages? It's the best marriage book I have read (unless you are in trouble and need DB books). What is his love language-the way he receives love?

the "stressors" you experienced....are you doing something that causes them?

or are they normal life stressors which will continue b/c that's life?

Do you see the value of changing something here or you'll be here again/again or you won't even bother and you two will just divorce...never really knowing why, underneath it all...

As for the sexual parts...idk. Is he watching too much porn or is there something you denied him or what? (You don't have to say specifically here) but do you think there's any validity to it? Or is it simply a difference in approach

or is it BS of his to use as an excuse for cheating again?



Finally after he had saw that I had really moved on and was living life happily without him he decided he wanted back home for good and things have been good since then bc he knows that it [censored] without us. his words not mine.

sounds like you know what worked last time but it cannot just be a "tactic"...you DO have to prepare for life without him and it being good--to empower yourself in this situation.

You sound as if you feel powerless and that is not a good place to operate from--fear/powerlessness.


I just am very hurt that after we had come so far in repairing our marriage that he goes looking for swinger sites and other women to send him pics and correspond to online it truly hurts.

I get that.


I am still hurt and a littl angry about the affairs but I was standing for my marriage

explain this^^. If you forgave the a's, after a year or two, you lose the right to flare up at him or hold it over his head or feel entitled to more than usual. I KNOW the feeling of "hey I went thru hell b/c of YOU so you OWE ME..." but that only lasts for so long.

then you are on equal footing but

I wonder if instead of truly forgiving him, & letting it go
you held onto a lot of the pain

and then you agreed to relocate your whole family

(SIDENOTE-as a military veteran and wife of a veteran, I can tell you I am done moving for a long time now...it's hard on the kids and builds resentment against the dad for his "job" moves...unless life gets better for all w/the move)

the move makes no sense if "things were so good" and repaired...UNLESS was it just his job-move?? If so- Okay then...

But then this porn/online thing pushed you over the edge-why?

Were you possibly looking for a reason to say you made a mistake taking him back?

What repair work did HE do after three separate affairs? And when did YOU do the DB work?

After the first/2nd or third A?

I hope it was after the last one b/c if you db'd and he repeated an affair and then he pulls this stuff and IF he knows it bugs you but still does it

you have a lot of work to do and you won't solve this alone.


and I think I deserve better than for him to continue with behavior that is harmful to our family it is disrespectful dont you think?

Does not matter what I think. What matters is YOUR perception AND HIS perception of that behavior.

Heknows how bad that his A's hurt me.

Does he? how? From your anger? Anger often justifies A's to them. They feel pushed into the arms of OW, whereas being hurt can come across different.

And so does GAL and moving on, which reveals what a loss HE FACES and what you bring to the table as the mother of his children and a fun smart woman.


I feel guilty in that if I would have just ended things 6 years ago we would not have 2 more children in this mess and things might have worked out better with us being d'd.

I get that. But your oldest will be out on their own soon, and you know you love your newest additions...


Now here it is again happening He doesn not want our marriage over .

what does that sentence mean^^^? He does or does not want the marriage to end?

He doesn t see what he did is wrong but it is hurtful

Does HE see that it is hurtful? IF SO, then how can it not be wrong? B/c HE thinks you are over reacting? Hmmm.

When we are talking about online R's with woman, post multiple affairs you know of, then you have some tough choices to make.

What if he simply doesn't care enough about hurting you, to stop?



because I have basically let 3 affairs slide so he thinks he can do whatever he wants and I will just sit here like the good little wife and take it.


WELL THIS^^^ IS TELLING...earlier you said you guys "repaired" the m, and you said you were "standing for your m"

but now I think you just stayed with him...now you say you "just let 3 affairs slide" and that is a HUGE difference...

and that is NOT DBing...that's sweeping stuff under the rug.

Am I off here? What WORK did you TWO do,

to change the dynamic of him cheating when he feels like it?

If "none" is close to the answer, then you need help fast. Actually you need help anyhow.



I hope I am making some sort of sense. I cant even bring myself to fully lovehim anymore bc who knows when he might come home again and annouce he is leaving for the title clerk at work as he did the first time.

thanks for your time and advice
I need all the help I can get

get the help.

See a L in case and ask yourself if there is anything he could do that would cross a line enough for you to leave.

I am not telling you to leave but sometimes it comes out that in fact there is nothing a man/woman could do to a spouse that would get the spouse to divorce...and then that spouse is helpless/powerless.

And somehow the stronger spouse knows it and that's not good.
But you said you moved forward before, and it woke him up.

Can you again?

And can you see that no matter what ultimately happens in the m,

moving forward is mandatory for you anyhow? It's the first step to your new happier life

whichever way this goes...so GAL, do some 180s,

get a mc, see a L, and get moving...

a better life is waiting for you to come and make it happen.

(( ))

[LisaLost]

I am taking your advice to heart and re-ordering the DR and DB books I had loaned mine out and never got them back. I am ready to live as if and I need to pull my headout of my butt thanks