NEED ADVICE

[gunny]

stunned,
thanks for the words of encouragement. The things that changed in me were pretty evident, esp after giving it some needed thought over these last 3 months. Over the years, I became complacent in my marriage, took it for granted, sometimes took her for granted. I got cocky, but she always knew that I loved her, she recently told me so. When I met my wife, I was 40, prepared and expecting to remain single the rest of my life, and content with that because I loved dating and being single. Then I met her and that changed, I fell in love and the rest is history. I was sure she was the perfect one for me, smart, good looking, independent, and loving, compassionate, empathetic, etc. As Ive done a lot of soul searching over the last few months, I've come to realize that my w has a very fragile level of self esteem due mainly to the traumatic childhood issues she has undergone, i.e. abuse by mothers 2nd husband, alcoholic mom, issues of abandonment, the whole package that you see on this board over and over. When I first met her, she had come out of a horrific relationship of 10 years with an alcoholic who left her for another women. She was so happy to find a normal, stable super responsible guy in me that In essence, she redesigned herself to conform to what she thought I wanted wanted in a women, and in the process she lost herself. When she first told me she wanted d, in june 11, she said she had lost herself in our marriage, and was looking for a connection. I remember often n my marriage saying to my buddies that marriage was great, and saying that it really wasnt that hard to keep a good marriage, because mine was great and i never had to work for it. Little did I know, and I did not realize this until very recently, that the reason the m was easywas because my s was doing most of the work to keep it that way, she basically overachieved because she wanted so much for us to work out. Sadly, she thought that if she let her hair down, and just became herself, that I wouldnt love the person who appeared. I told her that its a shame that she didnt trust me enough to just be herself, I would have loved her no matter who she was. I also told her that I am not responsible for making her happy, happiness has to come from within, she agrees and said that she did a great diservice to both of us by not voicing her opinions about her likes and needs throughout our m.
How I changed over the m? I became much more concerned/almost obsessed with finances, being that I work as A Veterans Service Officer in my county I was daily being barraged with veterans who had not planned for their future, and because of the economic depression we are in, were losing their jobs, health ins, houses, etc. Homeless vets off the streets were popping into my office in ever increasing #s and it really impacted me. I vowed that this would never happen to us, so I became very strict with money and eliminated all debt, not a bad thing in itself, but not good if it takes away from enjoying your life. W and I were planning on retiring in 9 years, and I was always talking about the future, traveling the country, living on our savings, etc, basically, I lost the joy of living in the present because I was always worried about the future. This became a real problem for her, understandably,
She has told me in the last few weeks that we did not have fun anymore, we grew apart. These are all valid, but I have said to her that I am like a man who has had a near death experience, in that I see error of my ways and am determined to make things right. Bottom line, I am a caring, compassionate, kind, steady, dependable man who is willing to make changes where needed to keep our marriage alive. She acknowledges these things, and says she believes me when I say I will change(she knows that when Marines set out to accomplish something they do it) but basically says it is too late.
So, that is my saga. Yesterday she was feeling pretty down because the job she thought she had in Ohio turned her down for the position she was hoping for. As of now she will be moving there on the 28th oct with no job, but at least a place to stay with her sister. I felt really bad for her. Having read a great deal of the resources in the MLC section on the board, I can see that she is going through a really tough time right now, she says she feels like her head is being squeezed. She wished she could just dissapear.
What am I doing for GAL? I have joined a divorce support group that meets every other week, they have been very good, and i have made some nice friends in the process. Its amazing, almost all the people in the group are females, split about evenly between those who initiated the d and who were the lbs. Their perspective on things is very helpful. I see a c once a week, who has told me that I must forgive myself for my past mistakes(the guilt of knowing that I have royally screwed things up here, in that i had a women who reallywanted to love me, but i shut her out) has been eating away at me. I know this is a normal stage of grief, and that it will pass, but it is tough, tougher than anything, anything I have been through in my life. I work out every day, but then again, always did. Calling friends all the time for their support,
Sorry this is so long, wow.
So, you think d is in the future? Are you both still on friendly terms? What do you do for GAL?
Semper Fi to your kids. You must be very proud. They are the best that we have, we owe them alot. Thanks for your past service, hope your day is going well,
S/F
DOUG