Gunny, It is good that you’ve recognized needed changes and that you’re taking steps to remedy what she stated was wrong. Do not stop, do not slow, make them happen, make them real, make them permenant. These are for you.
Who was the man she initially loved? What changed? Does it make sense to undo some of those changes and be more the man she first met? This cannot be a tactic it also must be a real needed change for you.
What are you doing for GAL?
Post in other threads as this will increase the number of people stopping by your thread.
6 yrs with FMFLANT, I extended. 8th MAR. MAUs(now called MEUs), mostly Meds, 1 memorable NATO, 1977-1983 0331/0317
DIL seperated as a CPL, picked up a NAM. 3072/Lioness in Iraq. Her knee is still blown. She is pregnant with 1st child, due in Jan.
S currently deployed Kandahar, Afghan, SGT, 6541
I had dinner with D last night she is choosing nursing schools to apply to.
My sitch will likely move to D in a few months, but that has not been written yet. IMO she needs it to. We have no control over future events we can only prepare for what may happen and control what we do and how we act.
Semper Fidelis
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
stunned, thanks for the words of encouragement. The things that changed in me were pretty evident, esp after giving it some needed thought over these last 3 months. Over the years, I became complacent in my marriage, took it for granted, sometimes took her for granted. I got cocky, but she always knew that I loved her, she recently told me so. When I met my wife, I was 40, prepared and expecting to remain single the rest of my life, and content with that because I loved dating and being single. Then I met her and that changed, I fell in love and the rest is history. I was sure she was the perfect one for me, smart, good looking, independent, and loving, compassionate, empathetic, etc. As Ive done a lot of soul searching over the last few months, I've come to realize that my w has a very fragile level of self esteem due mainly to the traumatic childhood issues she has undergone, i.e. abuse by mothers 2nd husband, alcoholic mom, issues of abandonment, the whole package that you see on this board over and over. When I first met her, she had come out of a horrific relationship of 10 years with an alcoholic who left her for another women. She was so happy to find a normal, stable super responsible guy in me that In essence, she redesigned herself to conform to what she thought I wanted wanted in a women, and in the process she lost herself. When she first told me she wanted d, in june 11, she said she had lost herself in our marriage, and was looking for a connection. I remember often n my marriage saying to my buddies that marriage was great, and saying that it really wasnt that hard to keep a good marriage, because mine was great and i never had to work for it. Little did I know, and I did not realize this until very recently, that the reason the m was easywas because my s was doing most of the work to keep it that way, she basically overachieved because she wanted so much for us to work out. Sadly, she thought that if she let her hair down, and just became herself, that I wouldnt love the person who appeared. I told her that its a shame that she didnt trust me enough to just be herself, I would have loved her no matter who she was. I also told her that I am not responsible for making her happy, happiness has to come from within, she agrees and said that she did a great diservice to both of us by not voicing her opinions about her likes and needs throughout our m. How I changed over the m? I became much more concerned/almost obsessed with finances, being that I work as A Veterans Service Officer in my county I was daily being barraged with veterans who had not planned for their future, and because of the economic depression we are in, were losing their jobs, health ins, houses, etc. Homeless vets off the streets were popping into my office in ever increasing #s and it really impacted me. I vowed that this would never happen to us, so I became very strict with money and eliminated all debt, not a bad thing in itself, but not good if it takes away from enjoying your life. W and I were planning on retiring in 9 years, and I was always talking about the future, traveling the country, living on our savings, etc, basically, I lost the joy of living in the present because I was always worried about the future. This became a real problem for her, understandably, She has told me in the last few weeks that we did not have fun anymore, we grew apart. These are all valid, but I have said to her that I am like a man who has had a near death experience, in that I see error of my ways and am determined to make things right. Bottom line, I am a caring, compassionate, kind, steady, dependable man who is willing to make changes where needed to keep our marriage alive. She acknowledges these things, and says she believes me when I say I will change(she knows that when Marines set out to accomplish something they do it) but basically says it is too late. So, that is my saga. Yesterday she was feeling pretty down because the job she thought she had in Ohio turned her down for the position she was hoping for. As of now she will be moving there on the 28th oct with no job, but at least a place to stay with her sister. I felt really bad for her. Having read a great deal of the resources in the MLC section on the board, I can see that she is going through a really tough time right now, she says she feels like her head is being squeezed. She wished she could just dissapear. What am I doing for GAL? I have joined a divorce support group that meets every other week, they have been very good, and i have made some nice friends in the process. Its amazing, almost all the people in the group are females, split about evenly between those who initiated the d and who were the lbs. Their perspective on things is very helpful. I see a c once a week, who has told me that I must forgive myself for my past mistakes(the guilt of knowing that I have royally screwed things up here, in that i had a women who reallywanted to love me, but i shut her out) has been eating away at me. I know this is a normal stage of grief, and that it will pass, but it is tough, tougher than anything, anything I have been through in my life. I work out every day, but then again, always did. Calling friends all the time for their support, Sorry this is so long, wow. So, you think d is in the future? Are you both still on friendly terms? What do you do for GAL? Semper Fi to your kids. You must be very proud. They are the best that we have, we owe them alot. Thanks for your past service, hope your day is going well, S/F DOUG
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Gunny, So the bright future in Ohio is not quite so bright. All the more reason to keep on improving you, making you and life with you more attractive. The verbiage on this board is
Quote:
become the person she’d be a fool to leave.
She may not see it right away, or she may be seeing it and not believe it, or there may be so much inertia in her plan she is not able to turn from it now.
None of this matters, as you’ve decided to make changes, and so you shall.
I know it is counter intuitive, but the more compassionate you can be of her issues with her new life the better position you place yourself in.
See the line spacing? It makes long posts easier to read and follow.
This is your thread, about your sitch I do not wish to make it about mine. To answer your questions.
We are not amicable my STBX “seems to poke the bear in the cage” every so often to try for a reaction justifying her decision. I’ve managed to maintain bearing much of the time. I vent on this board. You can too.
STBX will see her decision through before questioning it. Although she has been justifying it more often lately.
GAL: much of my free time has been spent maintaining three houses. I bow hunt so practice and sight adjustments for new arrows have kept me busy between archery leagues. I practice hand rhythms on a Djembe, drumming circles are too new age for me. I still run knees permitting. When the snow get deep enough CC ski individually and with a group.
I have been thinking about joining a D support group JBanti is in one that seems to be predominantly female.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
stunned, Good to hear from you. Just got back from a trip to Pennsy, where s and I own a cabin that we had planned to retire to in 8 years. Have owned it since 2002, up near the ny border not far from the finger lakes. We went up there to bring back stuff she wanted to bring out to Ohio, christmas decorations, grandmas china, photos, etc. It was excruiciating to do this, for both of us, we cried, hugged, then had to wait around to wait for realtor to come by. We are in the process of deciding what to do with it, we own it outright and if we sell, of course we will split the diff, or, if we hold on to it, she will be compensated with funds from my 457 at work. Hard to decide, if I hold onto it, every time I go up there I will be thinking of s, and all the good times we had, if we sell, there goes a link to my past. To her credit, she is not putting any pressure on me to decide, she is content to wait until the spring to implement things.
This was a tough weekend, the ride is 5 hours from our condo, so we stayed over night at my brother cabin which is about 20 miles away from mine. Just like old times, sat around drinking wine, watching a movie, relaxing, if you walked in on us you would think we were a happily married couple.
I am continually asking myself, is it possible to have a MLC and not be exhibiting typical irrational behavior you would expect, i.e. yelling, screaming, meanness, and instead be seemingly rational, empathetic to to your spouses needs, sad, feel great guilt, but moving along in a methodical fashion as if you are hellbent on following through on a notion that by her own addmission came to her in "an ephipany" the night before I came home from florida? To some of the very experienced souls on this board, is this possible? One minute she is all business, the next she is almost like her own self. Last night she slipped and called me "honey" a couple of times, its kind of scary.
I know that this is a phase of lbs that I am experiencing. I've read the post about it, and it is right on. I am really amazed at how analytic and scientific some of the research is on MLC AND LBS, its like a whole subculture onto itself.
Don't worry about detracting from my sitch, believe me, reading about others helps alot. I read NavyGuys sitch, that helped, so, by all means, keep me posted on what is going on with yours.
Well, just ranting, thanks for listening. To all out there, hope the weekend ends up great and the coming week is good.
S/F GUNNY
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
My sitch is over! She was having an affair with an older guy (who just happens to be in the Marine Corp). We got divorced and I am very happy with myself and who I have become. If you follow the steps in the DB book, you might be able to save your marriage...but you will ABSOLUTELY save yourself! Without that book, and this forum, I have no idea where I would be right now. I would probably be a very angry and miserable person.
Brian, Sorry to hear about the outcome of your sitch. But glad to hear about how you feel and your outlook on life. I keep hearing the same thing thoughout all these posts, how helpful the site has been and how important it is to have people get back to you for support. I appreciate you taking time to answer my post, and wish you the best!
Gunny
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Gunny, it seems as though you may be getting baby steps of encouragement, “pleasant interactions and terms of endearment”. They may mean nothing. They may be a tentative step back. There is no good way to determine which or if it is something else.
So appreciate them without acknowledging, certainly do not make a big deal of them. Try and keep all interactions as pleasant as possible without seeming weak or allowing cake eating.
An epiphany eh? Sounds familiar except here it was kept quiet and was followed by several months of justification. So keep showing her the man she’d be a fool to leave. If she does b/c she has set that in motion keep showing her this and keep the road home paved and smooth. You decide when you are done, not her and not the court.
Have you considered speaking with a coach? The books and this board help, but you can be more focused with a coach.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
stunned, I have considered the coach. Did you use one? What was your experience? Trying to decide whether at this late juncture it would be worth it. s/f doug
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
It has been 3 months since my w dropped the bomb. A period of time that has been so horrible and taciturn that I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I've heard many here say the same thing,and it is true.
As part of my GALING, i have been attending two divorce/seperated support group which meet twice a month, and periodically holds seminars. The groups have been a godsend, I've met some really great people who have been very helpful in giving their advice, and support, much like the people here on this board. One group meets on friday evenings, and one on mondays. I attended one of the meetings last night,it is interesting to compare and contrast the two. The Friday meeting is at a church, and is much less structured than the second. It takes place over two hours and very rarely mentions faith or religion. This past friday was the most intense meeting I have been to, there were two people in the group who were positively shell shocked by their experience, both had spouses who left them suddenly.
Last nights meeting(the first one I have attended), was much more structured. It is held at a Catholic church and is run by a group called Divorce Care. It is a 13 week program that seems to weave the subjects of faith and religion thoughout the evening. Each of the groups have their strenghts. One thing that has struck me though, is that even years later, some of these people are coming to the meeting. To me this is scary and daunting. I'm wondering if the pain ever truly ends, Even those who initiated the divorce are still grieving. It makes me wish that my s could have had the opportunity to see a meeting like this before she thought about dropping the bomb..... Oh well, wishful thinking.
Anybody else out there have similar experiences, observations of their support groups? Just curious.
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Gunny, Yes, I have spoken with a coach and I will do so again. I think it is worth it. Be prepared to discuss your sitch openly and in detail. Coaches do not read your threads prior to speaking with you, mine did not anyway. Many people here will recommend speaking with a coach no matter where you think your sitch is at. I am.
I have not joined these types of groups. There are other posters who have and gotten benefit from them. Even if it doesn’t seem to be providing you a benefit at first it is getting your out of your sitch for a little while.
Post in other threads even if it is just a few words of encouragement as this will make you more visible. Most of the people on these boards stick with a few threads they have followed for awhile until something attracts them to a new thread. For instance”Gunny” means something to me and is the reason I began reading this thread.
Semper Fidelis
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
