Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Q of S,

Thanks for your feedback. I actually thought about it along the same lines as you did. I actually usually question most of my interactions with H (good and bad)... Why?
It's hard for me to draw the line between showing affection and being attentive (which would be a 180, since he complained about me lacking in that area during our M), and being clingy, smothering or pressuring.

Where to draw the line? Is it in the comments? Should it only be actions and no words?

OTOH, what about the notion of being a doormat? Or cake-eating? All these are notions that I struggle with. WHERE DO U DRAW THE LINE & SET LIMITS, but at the same time do 180s and practice DB techniques???

There are days where I feel like I should do nothing for H so he could miss me. Others where I feel like he treats me like a doormat when I am affectionate and attentive. And others where I feel he has the best of both worlds, with me taking care of him here and OW taking care of him in everything when he is with her...

I usually struggle and my behavior varies (as you can see from my posts), based on this ambivalence, but I ultimately try to revert to what my DB coach says - be his friend, be there for him, show support, and make myself, the kids and home environment such that he feels safe, comfortable and loved here so he wants to spend more time with us and eventually will want to come back...

It's sooooo hard to define what is best, specially when H's behavior itself is also so confusing - sometimes he is the nicest guy (friend), sometimes, I see glimpses of the interactions we used to have (best friends and soul mates) and sometimes he either treats me with indifference (like I don't exist), or as a stranger (just being polite).

What to do?????

One thing I know for sure - I don't see a lot of progress - just more of this back and forth good / bad days in our interactions.

Following DB principles, I should try something diff., but what???

Thanks again for the feedback.