Pretty sure this is a MLC or Identity Crisis

[ericmsant2]

Scared (suggestion…change your posting name)

I just came upon your thread and you are getting some very good advice.

A couple of other suggestions….
1) Determine what you want and then as hard as it feel at times LISTEN to YOUR attny, that said remember they work for YOU. And by what you want…I mean your life, the life with your D. Do you want to have her full time / half the time? What exactly do YOU want for YOU (and don’t tell me you want your W back…I get that piece and there may be a time for that…for NOW…what DO YOU WANT NOW?
2) Start to document everything but do not tell her. When I say everything, everything. The times you have your child, the times, she goes and comes. Think of this as an insurance policy. Do not tell her or let her find the documents.
3) Here is a tough one, especially for a dude in a “mother” state – DO NOT BE AFRAID! If your intentions are good then you have nothing to worry about.
4) Separate the legal aspect of this from the moral aspect of it and do it NOW.
5) Accept that everything is going to be your fault and PROTECT yourself.
6) Be the parent to your D that you always wanted to be.
7) Take a step back for a second and figure out what YOUR life may look like should this get ugly. For example: what are your day care plans, what about back up day care? How will you deal with your D being sick, do you know all of her doctors? How much sick time do you have at work – should she get sick? Think buddy about what it will be like to raise your D as a part time parent.

I am a little miffed that W has basically let the OM move into the apartment, thus now exposing my D to the affair.

And what does this ^^^^ teach you about YOUR choices and caving in to HER demands?

God Bless,
Eric

[tested metal]

Thanks for the suggestions Eric. I need to find out how to change my posting name because it does not quite fit me anymore. I have been documenting everything, which I plan to use only to protect myself and my D. I want my D to have equal access to both parents (for her sake), as long as she is safe and it is not detrimental to her mentally and emotionally.

I have basically given up on getting my W back. I have a little hope, but zero expecations. I am doing everything possible given the sitch to detatch and GAL. This week I hope to get MY goals down on paper and start working on them.

[ericmsant2]

Shell

Are you a positive upbeat person?

Are you one of those guys that lights up a room when you walk in?

A glass half full or half empty type of guy?

Why do I ask?

I have basically given up on getting my W back.

Cause this ^^^^ sounds like a defeated man. A man with no hope, no mojo, a man that feels that he cannot have what he wants.

Is that WHO you want to be Shell (cause I hate “scared”)?

I have a little hope, but zero expecations

A “little” hope can go a long way. If watered and nurtured…like a delicate flower…it can GROW into a “lot of” hope. Zero expectation is good..for NOW….later on you should have some level of expectation.

This week I hope to get MY goals down on paper

I am looking forward to it.

Chin up buddy….

God Bless,
Eric

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Shell,

I have basically given up on getting my W back. I have a little hope, but zero expecations.

There is a huge differnce between giving up on getting your wife back...and actively pursuing a divorce. While I agree with Eric about sounding defeated, giving up on getting your wife back (which sounds entirely possesive ) and dettaching from the emotions this whole crappy situation evokes aren't not too far apart.

I have a little hope,

GOOD! Keep that thing small and locked up in a box inside your heart, take it out and blow on the ember at times to keep going, cause it's the last thing you'll want to ever lose, BUT you don't want it driving your car. You control your hope, just like your anger and other emotions.

but zero expecations.

I am doing everything possible given the sitch to detatch and GAL.

That'd be nice...keep working on that.

This week I hope to get MY goals down on paper and start working on them.

And THAT is one of the best plans you can have. Accept nothing less than your best in reaching these goals. And I am going to suggest that one of them is: Stay married.

[tested metal]

Goals for self:
1. Stay Married.
a. Don't file for a divorce.
b. Don't talk about R or OM.
c. GAL

2. Regain financial stability.
a. Make monthly payments to creditors.
b. Use coupons like there is no tomorrow.
c. Search for deals at grocery stores.
d. Buy Generic food.

3. Regain emotional stability.
a. Detach.
b. Have 1 fun night a week.
c. Reconnect wih old friends.

4. Be a better father.
a. Read 2 books to D everyday that I have her.
b. Take D to church every Sunday.
c. Do something fun outside of the house at least once a week.
d. Interact with D at least 80% of the time I am with her.

5. Be a better friend.
a. Maintain eye contact.
b. Actively listen and reflect.
c. Empathize.
d. Validate feelings.
e. Be less defensive.

[tested metal]

Really having a tough time detaching. Everytime I start to feel better and think I am getting over it someone gives me info about the current A. I know that I can't expect her to come back and part of me doesn't want her back. What really hurts is that she has done everything in her power to erase me out of her life and constantly rubs my face in it. It is hard not to take it personally.

I would like to have NC but have to as she does it whenever we exchange daughter for visits.

I am doing my best to GAL, by spending as much quality time with daughter and doing the list above, but it has really been a challange to keep eye contact with W, and keep my emotions under control while she is face rubbing. I have been pretty short by just saying, "I got to go." The good news is I have a business trip and wedding so I won't see W for 5 days, the bad news is I won't see D for 4 days.

I will carry on though and get through this. Just needed to journal this.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tell those 'friends' that you don't want anymore information about the affair.

They are not helping you.

[tested metal]

The last couple days I have had NC with W and it felt great. I had to see her this morning though to drop off D and the crappy feelings came back yet again. I am sooo angry at her for this. Even if I had things to work on in that R, I never deserved the treatment she has been giving me. I realized that I am pretty sure I don't want a relationship with her.

My GAling has been tough due to work demands, but I am hopeful that I will have more free time soon to continue to GAL. I have realized the things I need to work on that were mistakes from the relationship and I plan to not repeat those same mistakes in the next relationship I am in(if there is one).

If I sound bitter right now I am, but have every right to be. I know that it does me know good though so I am trying to change my thoughts about this.

Hopefully I'll do better tomorrow. The good news is that i have stopped blowing up at her and have stopped thinking and talking about her almost all together.

[cat04]

TM,

You have every right to feel a little bitter, just please don't stay there too long...

You are at a place right now that is pretty common for where you are in the timeline of your sitch...

Trust that your feelings are ok and that they will change. Again and again...

GAL, especially at this point, doesn't have to be huge. It just has to be something for you. That you enjoy and can find a few moments of peace and happiness in.

It could be a simple as researching somewhere you want to go in the future (Vegas etc...) or something that you want to do that you never tried before...

Things that are possibly attainable in the next six months or so...

Your goals are good but they could be more specific.

What does one fun night a week look like?

With other people, by yourself, in the house or out?

Tell us more...

[tested metal]

Well I have felt myself pull away in the last few days. When I see W I am not attracted to her anymore. She has been pretty nice to me in the last few days, probably because I am keeping to myself more and don't think i really want her anymore. This is scary. I still care for her but I am sick of the BS. I hope this is normal for detaching.

I have doing a lot more things for me lately such as meeting new friends and going out and having fun. It almost feels as if I am in MLC now, which also scares me.