Not quite in midseason form...yet

[25yearsmlc]

MTS

sending the letter before the div makes it seem more manipulative b/c IF it's really just about you "owning" things, and seeking her forgiveness,

send it afterwards, so there's no "gain" to be had like you thinking she'll change her mind before the divorce.

(MTS, I don't discount the idea of her having 2nd thoughts about you later- but
those 2nd thoughs are not coming anytime soon.

She has at least 2 OMs in mind now, and a lot of other dating/ exploring to do as you were the main guy she know through college. She feels she didn't know enough men and that she used her best years with you, which to her at present, feels mostly bad.

Her main regrets now, (which will change we hope) are time wasted on just you. So let her go like you say you are....You admit expectations/hopes for the letter but you will be stringing yourself along as you "wait" for an answer you'll never get...sure, she might say "thanks" and she might not say anything at all ever.

And that will delay your detachment again...

Whatever value the letter might have, would be increased by sending it after the divorce. Kind of like apology letters from defendants sent after their trials, so there isn't a way to view it as them manipulating the system to gain clemency.

I don't see what you have to lose by waiting to send the letter, til LATER.

As for the letters' wording and contents, I'll have to ponder that some more, so I know I've done justice to your concerns.


The B-day thing...OMG I don't get you at all on this...

Sending her anything on her birthday is SO LIKE WHAT you have been doing all along, I see no upside at all.

Just looks weak & like more inconsistency on your end --as in NO CHANGE.

Can't you show some discipline and CHANGE this ONE time -when it counts?

Geez, this is the one thing you can do BEFORE the divorce that demonstrates change....

You can always make up for birthdays later if you reconcile.

By NOT sending her the b-day wish, you send another message; a strong one.

It shows you are moving on. MTS, that's a good thing!

I cannot for the life of me understand why you'd blow this perfectly timed opportunity to show change.

The woman is divorcing you and according to you, she's also bad mouthed you.
I cannot grasp how this would make you look like a new confident man who brings a lot to the table...

She'll know you didn't "forget" her birthday.

By not pursuing her to show her how nice and loyal you will always be even days before she finalizes a divorce you don't want, or has another A and or refuses counselling and or, bad mouths you to others...

instead, you show a quiet restraint (no wordy "releases" of her)

and YOU GAL That day especially...

who knows? Maybe she will think "wow, he IS giving me space...and or "Wow, he IS GAL"...

In sum, IMO There's NO upside to sending her a message and no downside to Not sending it.

There is even a potential UPSIDE to staying silent that day....

So- maybe you don't agree and that's cool. But just so I know,

can you at least see what I'm saying here? Do you really get what JB & I mean?


And here's a phrase I read& wanted to pass on to you...

"Mistakes are not tragedies; but dear God let me learn from them."

((( )))