Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Today I need to vent...

I woke up feeling down and had OW in my thoughts. Common assumptions on this board are that Hs will take up with OWs who share their weaknesses. "Just bandaids, drugs, short-term pain relievers. Of no long-term importance."

My gut tells me that that is NOT my Hs sitch. I know it's not just about sex - he dotes on her, he does everyday things for her. Ex: he bought and mailed some car parts for her. They talk for HOURS on the phone every morning and night. He writes and shares his poetry and journal entries with her (he had NEVER written anything in the 19 years we've been together). They text whenever they are not on the phone and exchange pics of their kids and everyday lives. They are pretty much 24/7.

I do realize that when they are actually together physically (she lives in Oakland and we live in LA), they are really living a fantasy life - fancy hotel suites, romantic dates and outings that have nothing to do with their everyday lives dealing with kids, finances, family issues, etc.)

Yet he shares EVERYTHING with her. So what is left for him to share with me? Only superficial chit-chat, financial and kid-related logistics... But he likes me being a good mom to his kids and how I take care of them. (probably relieves his guilt as he tells himself kids are ok...)

I feel so helpless. No matter how much I have changed in our dynamic, there is NO ROOM for me to make any inroads in our R, apart from a friendship as long as she is in the picture.

Right now I feel that their affair will survive in the long run... They are going against all the odds as is, and they know it. H has said to me "we know we are giving up a lot with our choice. We are paying a steep price for it. We know that we have been living our relation in a fantasy world, and we now want to do it in reality."

He has told me he wants MY children to get attached to her. He also says that the fact that he has not introduced her to the family doesn't make the R "less legitimate..."

He is always concerned about her reputation and is worried sick that I will expose the details of the affair and that everyone will know she cheated on her H. He doesn't care what I say about him cheating on me, because he feels he has done nothing wrong, since PA didn't start until we separated (even though the EA started when he was still living with me

He tells people (and me) that he wants me to be happy, find a nice man that will love me as much as I deserve, that he wants me to date, that I am a great person with a big heart, blah, blah, blah. It hurts so much when he says things like that"

He has it all planned out - to slowly introduce OW at work, with friends and family, so they think their R started just recently and that way he will erase all the months they spent together in secret and behind both their spouses and everyone else...

I know my H - he is not the kind to go off and have affairs to satisfy his manly needs... He has always said he needs lots of love and affection and attention and he gets that from her. (I wasnt' giving him that in our M, and I know that.) He feels loved, appreciated and validated. I have changed and are now giving him all that, as much as he allows me to... But given the sitch, ther is just so much I can do... he won't let me get affectionate physically with him (apart from hello and goodbye hugs when he is in a good mood). OW is always there to fillfull his needs... And by not pressuring him re. our R, there is just so much affection I can show to him. All the attention and affection I give him, he just takes as a friend...

That is what has me most discouraged - is the fact that no matter what I do, I cannot compete with OW.

Most of the time (except for when we argue), he treats me very friendly - like the boyfriend who is breaking up with his girlfriend because he simply has moved on and wishes her the best... Never mind that we spent 19 years together, 13 of those married. Never mind that we grew up as adults together, that I gave him the best of me, my best years, everything - both good and bad. Never mind that no matter how bad, I never stopped trying, like he did. Never mind that we have 3 kids together.

He just decided to walk away merely two weeks after finding out I was pregnant and a month after we bought our "family home, the place where our children would grow up and where we would grow old together."

He has given up what many (including I) would consider "a good deal" for someone else's leftovers. As of right now, OW is not planning to move to S CA, since daughters are in school...So I guess he will have to move up north...

He always dreamed of a family, successful career and a good marriage. He has given up the possibility of all of that (which is what I think we can achieve together), for someone else's leftovers - a long-distance R, where OW spends with him the time that she is not working or with her own family. That must be true love, otherwise, how would you explain it...

It seems on paper like such a complex sitch for them, yet they are both pursuing it. I have learned now to move aside. No OW talks from me, no drama. I just pretend like she doesn't exist. He doesn't bring it up, unless it affects logistics of being with the kids - like going out of town.

How can I believe everyone who says "wait til they confront reality, wait till the high is over" when all I see is MY H treating this W better than he ever treated me in probably the last 5 - 7 years...

And no - I am no saint. I had A LOT of responsibility in making our M a sad one... But I didn't give up, I didn't let another man touch me, I didn't run to someone else's arms. I didn't walk away. I am here, with our 3 children, trying to save our M unilaterally and make sure their world makes some kind of sense.

Am I being a doormat? Do I need to set firmer boundaries? Where do I go from here? I will be talking to my DB coach in a week from today (first avail time), but I feel like months of treating him as a friend have not yielded any results except for that - being friends...Will they ever yield results while OW is there?
And how is that R ever going to fail? They have been together for 8 months now, both in secrecy and now more in the open, and their R is only getting stronger and stronger every day...

I keep reading of other cases where affairs sizzle and end, but how can this one end, if H and OW DON"T consider it an affair, but a serious R with "the love of their lives"?????

Any feedback or input will be appreciated, although I am not sure if anyone is getting my posts now...