It's a story...all 3 of the girls thought the man their mother was married to was their biological father. Then mother and "father" just ran out on them one day. My W was 17. All 3 had to go live with their grandparents. It was not until 12 years ago that they found out each one had a different father. The whole family had kept it a secret from them.
So now one sister won't talk to the other sister and none of them talk to their mother.
My W found her real father 7 years ago. At first she kept close contact with him. The last several years, nothing.
It explains a lot of my W's behaviors. Her family is the poster family for "dysfunctional".
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
My family was pretty screwed up also - lots of divorce, alcoholism and abuse - so when we met we thought, "A kindred spirit! We will be able to help each other and fix each other."
Two broken people can not fix each other.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
TM that^^^^^^^ really scares the hell out me. I always feared my W will become my MIL. MIL and FIl have been sleeping in different rooms since I met them, 25 years ago. MIL and W are overly involved in their hobbies and have forgotten the rest of us. If she has become my MIL I'm in deep trouble.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Not to brag or anything..OK, I'll brag just a little...in March I was at 218 lbs. with a 40" waistline. This morning I'm 175 lbs. with a 33" waistline. And daily trips to the gym have, well, reshaped the rest of me.
Telemark, this is awesome! Look for the good in the bad. I don't know how many people on this message board can say the same thing.
For myself, in February, I was 194, 34" waistline. I was 168 this morning with a problem of getting my 32" jeans to stay up. Thank God for belts!
Originally Posted By: Drew
We used to call it the LBS diet ....
I actually like this better than the term I've used which has been the D diet. It's slightly more positive, anyway.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
It explains a lot of my W's behaviors. Her family is the poster family for "dysfunctional".
I think a lot of us are in this boat. When our WAS starts following what they know, it add a serious challenge to what we're trying to do here, or at least on the M front. You know I've referred to my SIL as my W's D coach before. My MIL has mentioned leaving my FIL before. If that ever happens, I'm sunk!
Originally Posted By: Telemark
Two broken people can not fix each other.
I agree. Two broken people CAN fix themselves, and CAN support each other. It requires commitment and desire on both sides though.
The past week has been difficult in dealing with the e-mail exchange between W and me regarding her blow-up with SS24. We had been getting along fairly well until then; now it's back to NC for everyone. We also had a large project to get out the door by Friday at work; put in a 60 hour week to finish the permit drawings. So I was emotionally exhausted by Friday. Spent Friday night going to the gym then watching TV for too many hours into the night.
Woke up yesterday morning and immediately thought of W; wondered if she was waking up alone in her bed or with the OM. Not healthy, I know; but it was something I could not fight. I also became angry at the fact I was left with the house full of needed repairs and renovations while she is living in a brand new condo with no maintenance issues at all.
Fortunately the Travellers had a gig in Gettysburg National Park so that occupied my time with preparing and then playing. But it was a beautiful fall day and my mind wandered to W again; I wondered if she and OM were out for an afternoon ride on his motorcycle, which depressed me even more.
We left Gettysburg late afternoon and then drove to Bethlehem, PA for their annual Celtic Classic Festival, which was a huge event - 250,000 attendees over three days. Met some other friends there, had a few good Irish beers and some food then saw Solas (very good internationally known Irish band) in concert at nearby Moravian College. So the evening was better; at least I was able to put W out of my mind for a while, thought he fact that most of our friends were there with their spouses or partners was a little tough to swallow. But I know W would not have come anyway even if we were together; she had no interest in an event like that.
This morning I'm here catching up. Lately I've logged into this site and just become depressed reading all of the new stories that are exactly the same as the old stories. I guess it will never end.
I've given out advice to many others here that says you have to let go of your WAS and work on yourself. Lately I'm finding it hard to take and implement my own advice.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
TM, I'm right there emotionally with you, brother...
Saying and doing are often two complete opposites of the spectrum...
I'm back to feeling like the only reason I'm standing is because I don't have a choice... and the first (easy) out that comes my way... I want to take it...
And I know that won't change a lot... except that I'll be able to call my W, my X...
The negative mind says to me... "Man... you make a bad choice in your life and it sticks to you like herpes..."
And the only thing I can think of right now is... wake up... live the day... go to sleep...
We know it gets easier... and then it gets harder... and then it gets easier, again...
What to do...? GAL... get away from situations and environments and people that are allowing you to have those thoughts (idle minds?)... and get your mind and body active doing things that push those negative thoughts...
"I'm back to feeling like the only reason I'm standing is because I don't have a choice... and the first (easy) out that comes my way... I want to take it...
And I know that won't change a lot... except that I'll be able to call my W, my X...
The negative mind says to me... "Man... you make a bad choice in your life and it sticks to you like herpes..."
I see you've been in my head...
So I'm off to the gym now, then I'll start to tackle the dozens of house repairs that need to be done.
One step at a time, regardless of what the task is, I suppose...
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
TM, I'm sorry you are having a rough time the past few weeks. Sometimes our journey through this has dark parts that last a little longer than we want to.
In regards to your email conversation with your w. I agree with alot of what was said.
Even when we do our best to validate and listen, sometimes we still end up the bad guy because we weren't a doormat. Your w rather than looking at herself, blamed you. Very typical stuff.
You will feel the backlash for that. IDK how long. My w took at least a month before she could talk civil to me after I froze the account because she broke our agreement.
Just try to be ok with the NC and your decision. Don't allow you to 2nd guess yourself.. because that isn't going to do any good either.
Letting go is a process. It's a two step forward, one step back deal.. at least for me. I believe feeling the sadness and anger.. even letting your mind beat you up is all part of that process. No one let's go of the rope that quickly. If they do.. they are either lying to themselves or are doing it in a very unhealthy way (IMO).
Allow the emotions to wash over you. Allow yourself a bad day, week, or month. No one is expecting you to just wake up and be "ok" so you shouldn't either. Just by allowing yourself to have those feelings and for showing yourself that grace.. you ARE working on yourself!
And yes I agree.. all the new stories is depressing.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
As always Valeska, what great words of encouragement you offer....
Telemark, sorry to hear things have been rough for you. It seems the highs are high and the lows are low.
As for taking your own advice, we're all guilty at times of not being able to practice what we preach. It is so much easier to give advice than take it, at least I think so anyway.
Keep your head up, and keep on keeping on. I'm here for you my friend.
