Not quite in midseason form...yet

[MadeToSucceed]

I just finished my call with my DB coach (Lenni). Hopefully I can clear some things up here.

I KNOW that letter was overkill. I just couldn’t remember what Lenni had told me about the letter that Michelle recommends so I used a letter I found elsewhere. She cleared it all up for me and we had a good talk.

Lenni is and has been very aware of my prior contacts/pursuits of mine and the end results. That’s why this is a Last Resort letter and in many ways, I believe I’m there. I read the other letter to her and I shared with her the parts I had problems with. I honestly didn’t like the “one and only” part either when I read it…I was just looking for feedback.

My goal/hope for the letter is obvious. I’d hope that it stirs something in her at some point so that she maybe realizes I truly am NOT the same person. That I understand where I made mistakes but that I also will respect her decision to move on. Maybe that realization comes three weeks from now. Maybe that realization comes a year or three years from now and I never even know she came to that realization. I understand it doesn’t necessarily lead to R. But at least I can say I left no stone unturned.

Lenni says the letter is all about timing so I’m going to be prayerful as to when I should send it. The goal is to be concise. For me to take ownership of things I know that have been hurtful. To convey that I “get it” with respect to my W’s wishes. The letter is a work in progress…the main part I want to take into account is my acknowledgement of the things I know that have hurt her as well as the thing I perceive that may have hurt her. Lenni/Michelle suggests these come in list form and are what she be the “longest” of a letter that should be no more than one page. I’m going to save it…sleep on it…read it at different times…pray on it…and when I feel it is right, I’ll send it. I welcome any and all thoughts on it. Here is the letter we formulated together:

W,

I understand you are finished with our marriage and that you've been very unhappy and will be moving on.

I want to acknowledge and take responsibility for mistakes I made that were hurtful to you.

• For having too many inappropriate female interactions that made you uncomfortable and broke your trust.
• For not being the spiritual head of our household and not pursuing a stronger relationship with Christ.
• For cheating on you in 2006.
• For trying to be someone I'm not by looking for approval of others.
• For having shared personal things with others when this first began in April.
• For taking you for granted.
• For not taking care of your emotional needs and still expecting you to want to have sex with me.
• For not making enough time for us and letting football (real life, fantasy football and/or video games) have too big of a place in our relationship.

For all of the above, I ask for your forgiveness.

You might suspect this is manipulative on my part. This is not the case. It is simply to let you know I get it. (This is an optional fragment Lenni said does or does not have to be included.)

Despite all you've endured I appreciate your commitment to our relationship over the last 7 years. Although I do not agree that divorce is the best solution I love you and respect you enough to let you go since that's what you've chosen.

As painful as this situation is it has been a blessing in the sense that it has led me to who I want to be, either alone or in a future relationship.

Please do not respond to this letter.

H


I'm not sure how I feel about ending it with "please do not respond to this letter. Also I'm going to re-read my threads, particularly where I became more candid about my past faults (and where I was bludgeoned by 25's 2x4s )...those I realized and those I tried to make excuses for and make sure that they are included in my list. I know I've left some things out I want to address. I want it to be perfectly clear that I am owning those things and that I was wrong for them and that in no way am I making excuses for them. That is the goal of the list portion. I also intend to try to go back and take out extra words...when I can say something in one sentence I'll try to do so rather than stretching it out to two. I think the more concise I make it, the better chance I have of her reading it. When I get to wordy, I know she tunes out/ignores. Even if she does initially do just that, I think she may one day at least consider going back to read it even if that is years down the road. The more concise I am, the better chance I have of holding her attention long enough to read it.

As for her birthday…Lenni said to me she sees no harm in it either way. She mentioned people do like to be remembered on their birthdays and were I to send her anything just make it short. Either an e-card or a very simple text message that says nothing more than Happy Birthday. The flip side of this was she said I could obviously not say anything. I told her part of me wants to just say Happy Birthday. Another part of me wants to not say anything because she’s chosen what she wants right now and by me not contacting her these past 5 weeks, I believe I’ve honored that. Similarly, I told Lenni that I’m sure others will wish my W happy birthday and that her actions and her pursuit of D indicates that she doesn’t want to hear from me on matters unrelated to D. I’m going to pray on it more but I do see what you and jb mean.