Yesterday was an up and down day. We had text each other on his breaks and I was feeling pretty good. When he got off of work, he actually called me and said he was bringing a pizza home for supper. We talked for a few minutes and we hung up. He hasn't called me on his way home from work since January. As hard as I tried not to, I got my hopes up that that meant we would have a good evening. Boy was I wrong.
When he came home, he sat in his car for 40 minutes IM'ing the OW on his phone. Our S went out and got the pizza from the car so we could eat. After we ate, out D went out to talk to him. He came in to eat, and then he took out D to a friend's house to pick some things up. He was gone over an hour.
When he got home, I put a movie in and he did sit on the couch with me, but he was doing something on his phone for the first hour. I then asked him if he would help me with something on my phone and he did. He fell asleep watching the movie.
This is where I REALLY messed up. I took his phone and starting snooping (I know a BIG no-no). It was the OW woman he was talking to. Well, he woke up and instantly started looking for his phone. He didn't actually catch me with it, but I think he knows that I had it. We went to bed, but he made sure that we had no contact at all while we were sleeping.
I am trying really hard to detach. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. I seem to do ok during the day, but when he is home from work and on his phone or computer, it kills me. Also the weekends are hard. He usually works 6-7 days a week (or so he says) but usually doesn't come home until the middle of the night. I know he is out drinking, but what else he is doing I have no idea. He use to tell me all the time that bars were just for people that are looking to find someone. If he is in love with this OW, then why is he going out to the bars every weekend? He isn't with her when he goes. He has never met her F2F.
This OW is a scam artist, and probably not even a woman. He has been shown proof of this, but he continues talking to her. I just don't get it!
I do have a question though. He has always complained that I would not get up with him in the mornings and fix him coffee and breakfast. I have been trying to do this (only missed a couple of days this past month), but with detaching, should I continue doing this?
Also, we generally do seem to have better evening when I text him during his breaks at work. This is how he got so involved with the OW. In the beginning of us trying to work things out, he would text me, but that has stopped. He has even told him that he appreciated the OW texting him and asking about his day. I told him that I felt like I couldn't do that now that he has told me that, because I didn't want him to think I was doing it because she was. He told me to quit over analyzing things. When I do ask him about his day, I generally just get the answer of "it's been ok". Sometimes he will go into detail and sometimes he won't. So should I continue texting him? I wonder if he has gotten bored with me asking the same question every time? I don't know what else to say because I'm afraid of pushing him away.
I just get so tired of all the mixed signals he is giving me! I love roller coasters, but I want off of this ride now! My C wants him to come in with me, but right now he is refusing to do that because he says he doesn't want to work on the M.
Any suggestions on how I can handle this weekend? It is my weekend to take care of the kids, so I know he is not planning on being home much. He gets angry if I ask about what he is doing, but last weekend, I went to a friend's house and didn't tell him where I was going. The first thing he asked was if I was at a bar. I answered him truthfully and told him where I was at. I told him that he knew that bars were not my thing, so he didn't have to worry about that.
I pray every day that God will open his heart and realize that we can be happy again. My H really is a good man, and his behavior is not his normal self. I know I hurt him when I left, but I don't know how to help take that hurt away. I finally got help with my depression through IC, but I'm afraid it was a couple months to late.
Can you be with someone for 18 years, and those feelings go away in just a couple of months? They didn't for me, even though at the time, I really wanted them to. I tried telling myself that I didn't love him, and that he would never change. He kept telling me he would, but I just didn't believe him. I was tired of not feeling loved, but I realized that no matter how much he doesn't love me, I still love him with every fiber of my body.
I don't know if anyone is reading this or not, but that is ok. Just writing it has helped me. I have been feeling down today, but I need to pick myself up.
