OK. So she is going out tonight and not even hiding the fact that she's going to be with him. She said "I will be coming home late so don't call the police". Pretty cold.
So I am 99% this is what I am going to tell her tomorrow:
I want to talk to you about a few things and I want to make sure we are communicating and I am letting you know my true feelings and I am not misleading you.
I want you to know that I have been absolutely devastated by your affair and I have been going through a very deep process of self-reflection and change. I deeply understand now this person I slowly became over the last 6 years and more important WHY and frankly I hate the man I was during this time. I have something called “Mr Nice Guy Syndrome” which is anything but nice. Nice guys are in fact passive aggressive manipulators who restructure their lives around pleasing their wife and basically cannot set boundaries, admit mistakes or stand up for themselves. Most of this stems from deeply buried abandonment issues and childhood trauma. There are many other details but the bottom line is this is not who I was when you met me but there were deep down traits that surfaced and took over as I started feeling more and more pressure starting with Subculture.
On a daily basis I go through a range of emotions – I feel so much guilt and anger towards myself for what I have put you through and all of the love you showed me that I could not feel or return. I also feel despair and deep sadness, anger and betrayal - but also on and off I feel a deep calm and much more confidence than I have felt in years – I am really for the first time in years seeing things very clearly and I know what I want for you and for the kids and that is to be happy.
I have been searching my soul so deeply for answers and what I have come to is I am deeply in love with you and I may be forever – but I can’t let that or the fear of losing you cloud my judgment or push me into manipulating you - its time to let you go and move forward with my own life. Just because I want you to go to counseling and I believe our marriage can be saved – you have to want to try too and you don’t. It is far too painful to continue living together and even if you broke off the affair, I would be conflicted as you are going to be in school for a year and the chances are slim that it will not spark back up.
So I don’t know what is going to happen. At this point I really need to weigh out whether it is good idea at all to continue living together. It’s not good for you, me or the kids to stay in limbo as we can’t be a pretend family…either we are a family or we are not.
So my heart keeps telling me that really the best thing to do is get rid of the house, move forward with the divorce and get two separate places.
I don’t like it nor do I want it and I know our kids will be screwed up for life—but at the same time they will be even more screwed up if we continue to live together in limbo and I can’t deny my feelings. I have thought about just a separation but the realty is there is no such thing as a separation when one partner has moved on and is in an affair…it’s just delaying the inevitable. On the other hand, my therapist has said there are more people that reconcile after an affair than not so she is torn on what to do also. So as I said – I am in process and I don’t know what’s going to happen – but I don’t want to mislead you into thinking we are definitely going to be sharing a rental when we sell the house.
