Not quite in midseason form...yet

[MadeToSucceed]

Yesterday I had an amazing day.

I started out with noon Bible Study and that was great as always.

I've been networking my butt and I came to find out that a guy that was a student equipment manager when I was in college playing football is actually a director of operations for a major college bowl game. I contacted him on Monday via Facebook just indicating I was interested in how he got into the business and that I'd like to take him for lunch sometime. He emailed me back yesterday and basically gave me an opportunity to work with him! I was floored! He cc'd some people in the organization and they got back in touch with me and I'm actually going to be apart of their media team for a college game next Saturday (they're over other collegiate games in addition to their bowl game). When I sent him a personal email to thank him and tell him how much it means to me (he has no idea about my sitch and we probably haven't seen each other in 5 years), his response brought me to tears:

It is truly my pleasure – believe me, I remember the guys who treated me as more than someone who put their facemask together!

My jaw kind of dropped when I read those words and tears welled up in my eyes. Nice guys DON'T always finish last. As much as we often talk about reaping and sowing I know I'm guilty of just looking at the bad stuff. Well if you sow good, you'll eventually reap some good from it. That's one way I can also look at my sitch. If I keep walking in a way that I know is right, it'll all work out for my good one way or another. In addition to this news, I found out that I may be able to use this opportunity as an internship. If so, that means I'd only have 3 classes for the spring. Rather than doing a study abroad over Christmas break I'd postpone it for two weeks in May. If it all plays out I'd only have to sit in the classroom for two classes in the spring to be DONE with my MBA!

I know it's nothing but God opening these doors for me. I think He's been waiting for me to let this stuff go and let Him run the show and the more I've meddled, the more I've been delaying my own blessings. Same with my W. The more I tried, the further it pushed her away.

I went to evening Bible Study last night and the preacher spoke on "The Big Picture." Basically...kind of what 25 tells me all the time. I have to see the good in my sitch and how long term, I'm going to be ok and if my W continues down her same path, she'll be the one to suffer most. We broke into our smaller growth groups and I shared the testimony of my day with my Men's Group. The deacon that's over the group said to me "It's not what you did do 6 or 7 years ago that made that guy remember you that way. It's what you DIDN'T do. You didn't degrade him. You treated him like a human being." I think that applies to the WAS also. At some point, they'll recognize that we've treated them as best as we can under the circumstances. My hope and prayer for our all of our WAS is that it's not too late...FOR THEM! If they turn away from us, they're the ones truly missing out.

I knew with all my joy I'd have something come my way today to try to knock me back (the enemy trying to steal my joy) so I was prepared for it. First, I found out I have to answer a bunch of questions myself that my W's L has asked. I'm fine with them all it's just a LOT of information I have to pour through and in a very short amount of time. Then I found out there was an issue with the check my W gave me. That was the one that hit me in the gut. It caused my acct to go negative and start accruing fees because she paid her taxes late and in doing so, there was a delay in moving money around to compensate for that. Initially I was dreading what I knew I'd have to do but I took a deep breath, calmed myself and realized this was just a test and one I was well equipped to pass. I called her and left her a vmail. I texted her a little while later. She called me back and was very to the point. This was the first time we've spoken to one another in 5 months. She was kind of cold and business like but that was to be expected so it didn't sway me one way or another. I didn't try to ask how she'd been or say how I've been or anything of the sort. She asked what my account number was and said she'd take care of it within the hour. Strictly business. I was upbeat and matter of fact. Didn't get upset or point out the error on her part as I would have in the past. 3 minute phone call tops.

She texted me a few minutes later:

W: I'm sorry for the unnecessary stress.
Me: It's ok. I know it wasn't intentional. I appreciate you for helping me get this taken care of.

She then messaged me later to give me an update on what happened and ended a text with "Again, I'm sorry." I responded: "It's ok. Just let me know when you know something." As I type this she informed me some of her money was wired to the wrong account so she's working to get it cleared up so she can get the money to me today. I simply responded "W, I can see how this is probably frustrating for you. Just take a deep breath. I appreciate you keeping me posted."

Simple responses. To the point. Validated her feelings. No pointing of the finger. Keeping it moving. Tomorrow I'm going to call my DB coach to finish my letter. I took a good deal of it from LMBT. I'm going to see what Lenni thinks of it but I welcome your input here as well:

W,

I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave me. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it's a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I've done some intense soul searching and now I realize that I've been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done. Looking back when we first started dating and the earlier years in our relationship, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. It was a decision you made because it was what you wanted to do. Now you say you want out of the marriage and, obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me two years ago. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. We had some amazing times together W. Times I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. You were my one and only true love and I'll never forget the memories we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will lead you in the years ahead.

-H

This was almost verbatim from LMBT so I'm probably going to adapt it some but I plan on finishing it tomorrow with Lenni's help and emailing it to her this weekend or on Monday. I understand Dobson's purpose for some parts of it but others I question. Essentially, I'm trying to not only release her from the caged feeling she has by my pursuing of the earlier months but rather truly free myself as well.

I'm feeling a lot better these days. I feel like I've turned a corner.

[25yearsmlc]

your phone conversations were great and so was your day and interactions and perspective

and the connection with old friends you were kind to!!! Yay for all that. Well done.

I'm not a fan of the letter at all.

But I know you're going to send it out anyhow. Can you please not tell her she's the only woman you'll ever love

or 'the one and only" b/c frankly, you don't know that, and if she never comes back I hope to God it's not true, and

second, it is =you and your "endless pursuit and availability" the way I read it.

What is your goal in sending it?


I know you'll SAY it's "just to tell her" and that you

"have NO expectations"

but I don't believe that, and I'm not sure you do either.

But tell me your storyline--what you tell yourself about this letter.

Is it to thank her for the good times and memories and tell her you are letting her go?

can't you just DO that?

But if you must write out that you are letting her go, b/c it's like how you could not force her to marry you or stay with you now

(which is weird to say, imo, b/c it's so obvious)

at least make it a whole lot shorter. Maybe half the length. She'll tune it out.

Plus, no offense, but it doesn't flow well.

Use a topic-thesis like sentence/(intro), THEN support it with an example or two, and then conclude.

Just my .02

((( )))



ps what # is that skin? He better not be #89...

[MadeToSucceed]

The letter was my DB coaches idea. I'm talking to her in the morning and like I said, I took those words verbatim from LMBT (Love Must Be Tough) so there's not much of "me" in it. The "one and only" part was from the book. All of it was really. I just changed the names. In my last call my DB coach Lenni suggested I write a letter and she too suggested it be short and concise...which I agree with. I'm definitely going to make it much shorter.

Again, no offense taken with regards to the flow because that really isn't "my letter." It's the one as an example in LMBT. I agree it didn't/doesn't flow too well. For me, it is to tell her I'm letting her go. That I'm no longer trying to hold her hostage and that I am accepting of her decision. Accepting, not agreeing with. I recognize the difference. I think CS helped me with that a few threads back. After talking with Lenni and modifying it I'll post what I'm thinking here and I suspect it to be much shorter and to the point as you said.

She called back this evening to say she was running around all day trying to get it taken care of and because of the situation, she could put part in today and part in tomorrow or just put all of it in tomorrow. I remained upbeat and told her it would be ok and she could just wait and do it all at once tomorrow. She asked if I was sure because she felt bad about my account being negative as a result of it. I just responded it would be fine and I'd handle it. I thanked her again and told her I hope she has a good night. She responded saying you too and that was that.

Not gonna lie...took EVERYTHING in me not to want to ask her how she's been, what she's been up to, etc. but I controlled that urge quickly. Her birthday is in a few days and I'm contemplating sending a quick text on that day and saying nothing more than "Happy Birthday W. You're starting to get up there huh? ;-) Have a great day." I know you'll probably give me 2x4s on this one...I guess I don't really see the downside to doing it. The one thing I know is that just because we had conversation today I can't get intoxicated by it and try to lead it into more convo. That's not the plan. Just a simple acknowledgement and then keep it moving is what I'm thinking. Our anniversary is a week after her bday so I'll completely ignore it. Going to talk to my DB coach about it too though and welcome your thoughts on it as well.

I'm going to catch up on some TV shows tonight probably and catch a late night workout too.

To answer your other question...OM #2/#25...one of the newest in town...

[25yearsmlc]

MTS

so to be clear...you will send her a letter to TELL her you are "letting her go"...

and then 3 days later you will send her a birthday greeting?


I don't care if it's just a text. Silence would do YOU more good...and it would prove something-

and move you along forward (b/c we both know you want her to respond!!)

and you might even be noticed more by not saying anything.

Sending her a text or message of any uneccessary kind, totally undermines what you are writing.


Don't say you are letting go if you aren't.

[MadeToSucceed]

I was actually thinking of bday text and then send the letter a few days later so that I wouldn't be undermining what I'm saying...that was my thought anyways.

[Finah]

MTS
 
I have been following your stitch for awhile as its very similar to mine.  I won't harp on you for wanting to send TM's and a letter, b/c I have done the same if my WW reaches out.
 
IMO stay as dark as you can, pitch black.
 
Look I went totally dark for a month, zero contact, WW reaches out, I respond, we meet she tells me she wants to go to MC and IC and wants help to end it with OM.  She was a wreck.  Guess what I should of stayed dark.
 
One day later she files D
 
4 weeks, 5 weeks, feels like an eternity to us, but it isn't. 
 
Stay dark w/ me.  I assure you she is thinking about you.  But let her be.  I think you will say a whole lot more by not saying anything at all.
 
In fact that was one of the first things my WW said to me, when I wouldn't respond or reach out, she said she constantly thought about me, thought I had moved on, thought I had forgot about her, thought I was happy.  Their mind runs wild, let it.

[cam]

Finah....I'm happy to try and stay dark with you! Boy do I need to.....I keep f'ing everything up and have for 5 months now!!

[jbnati]

MTS - I'm glad to hear about the door that's been opened to work the media team with college game! That's awesome! You do reap what you sow.

I'm not so sure about the letter, either. As it's written now, you run the risk of showing your W the old MTS - the one that pursued too much earlier in your situation. I think it would benefit from significant changes.

[Finah]

We all need support, even I.

The dark club is fun, VIP access only.

[MadeToSucceed]

Finah,

You have a great point. Minus the necessity of contact today I've been dark for five weeks and counting.

jb,

I'm with you as well. Don't like the current configuration much myself. I talk to my DB coach early in the morning so I'm planning to doctor it up a good bit. What are thoughts on whether or not I should message her on her birthday?