but read the Div Remedy book or you'll never get what you can, out of this site...
I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I did...
DB "RULES"
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Good luck and READ THE BOOKS!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Still I hope the rules help. I'll post more when I have read your sitch.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My IC suggested that I bring it up to him at some point, so I did. He seems to think that it would make H stop and think, if only for a second.
I need to see a lawyer. What H is offering ,financially, is unacceptable. I have got to protect myself and the kids here. I do not plan to actually seek a job until the L advises me one way or the other. At the same time though, not getting a job may be perceived as me digging my heels in. That would no doubt tick H off. His goal right now seems to be to get this over with as quickly as possible.
H still hasn't responded to my email regarding finances. If he's so eager to move on, why is he putting it off? I kind of wish he'd hurry so I can start making plans of my own. I hate feeling like I'm relying on him. Next week, I have appointments with a couple of attorneys. I just want to get an idea of what my rights are/would be. My IC thinks that after the interviews, I need to matter of factly tell H about it. IC seems to think it might be an eye opener for H. What do y'all think?
LET HIM find out when HE sees a JAG, which you can also do btw. (I'm a former JAG myself). And stop pushing him towards the finalization...
what is your goal there? Moving on? Okay...that's not impossible to do without also making him file for divorce is it?
Your h probably thinks all he has to give you is BAQ b/c that's what the Army requires IN LIEU of a legal order otherwise, as in, while waiting for a court to decide.
IF he presses you, suggest HE see a div L (I think it'll be eye opening and better for him to hear it from "his" L than your version of what your L said to you...)
Is he enlisted? In school?
I think you need a C who is more familiar with DBing if they were telling you to inform your h of the "law". Sounds almost punitive, like he's stuck with you now. And he'll feel more trapped.
That's too much like you are teaching him a lesson and
it's NOT a spouses' job to "teach them lessons or show them consequences,
b/c life does it for them and us." (That's a quote from my excellent DB coach).
DETACH....have no expectations of him for now and don't pin him down on times with the kids.
Tell the kids nothing as well. If he shows up great but if not their little hopes won't be dashed.
Document his visits though...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My IC suggested that I bring it up to him at some point, so I did. He seems to think that it would make H stop and think, if only for a second. I need to see a lawyer. What H is offering ,financially, is unacceptable. I have got to protect myself and the kids here. I do not plan to actually seek a job until the L advises me one way or the other. At the same time though, not getting a job may be perceived as me digging my heels in. That would no doubt tick H off. His goal right now seems to be to get this over with as quickly as possible.
understood...so here's what MY MC said at the time, which aligned totally with my l's advice (yes I hired a l. I'd never represent myself in this emotionally charged stuff PLUS it's easier to blame the Ls and keep the ugliest stuff separated mentally at least, from us...
The L said "work LESS or not at all" til it's settled.
The MC was also a family t and said, since h was gone, "the last thing your kids need now is to lose the remaining parent to a job"...
made sense to me.
Hang in there but don't corner your h too much if you kwim. Some ICs are not really familiar with DBing and you MAY have to make a choice between competing approaches.
Most of our mc's told me h was "acting like a single man" which didn't help me much.
It validated what I thought...but what do you do with that?
I needed better ways of relating to him. DB helped with that so
what are YOUR 180s and GAL? Super important...KEY really, to making it through this to the other side...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
hello ellay, have been reading your sitch, i am new on the board also(relatively). 22 retired Marine. You have friends here, hang in there, stay strong. Gunny
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Checking back in after a bit of a break. I had been feeling very overwhelmed with everything and needed to step away for a bit of a breather I guess.
So much has happened since my last post, but it seems that not much has changed. I am still working on detaching from him, but am having trouble figuring out how to do it lovingly. Last night, for instance, he came over to see the kids. He was trying to chat with me, but I kept busy cooking dinner and barely acknowledged what he was saying. As the night wore on, I spoke to him a little more, but still was unable to make much eye contact.
I think I've been doing pretty well with GALing. The boys and I have been spending a lot of time at the beach and at the park, just enjoying the beautiful weather. Last weekend, I was able to go out with a girlfriend. That was the first time in a really, really long time. H was a little curious I think. Several times, he asked me where I was going. After the fact, he asked me several times if I had fun. I didn't give him much detail, as I am trying to keep a little mystery.
I have been working really hard at keeping a neater home. I've realized that toy clutter makes my mind a little chaotic. When I do better at keeping things picked up, my mood picks up. I also rearranged the furniture in the living room a little. H noticed, although he didn't say much.
This is something I am trying to wrap my mind around: This morning, he stopped by unannounced. He said he was in the area and wanted to stop by and see the boys. S4 wasn't even out of pre-k yet, so it was just S1 and myself here. When he pulled in, we were outside hanging Halloween decorations. The house was neat, which I think was a bit of a surprise to him. So here's what I am trying to figure out: His stopping by unannounced?... Was he trying to check in to see if what he saw on his announced visit was the real deal? Is he curious about how I am really doing, when he isn't looking? Or was he genuinely wanting to see the boys? I know it does no good to try to mind read, but I guess I'm just wondering if he is starting to take notice in some of my changes. *shrugs*
Have you seen a L for yourself? Remember you don't have to tell him you saw one, you don't have to DO anything but get information so you know your rights.
It can be very empowering.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, 25. I did see a lawyer last week. It was a very informative visit. I think she would be good representation for me, if we come to that. H and I will be trying pre-filing mediation. Tomorrow, we are supposed to fill out the Parenting Plan. I hope we don't butt heads too much on those matters (I don't think we will) - I just don't feel like dealing with his hostility right now.
My 180's? Let's see...
*Not contacting him unless it concerns the kids or finances. *I've stopped defending myself when he gets all pointy-fingered. *I've actually learned to control my tone of voice. Rather than feed off his negativity, I've learned to keep calm, even when he's irate. *The boys and I have started going to church. *I've stopped offering him a plate when he's around at dinner time. *I've stopped reminding S4 to call H (that has been interesting, as S almost never thinks to do so on his own). *I've started looking into schooling (probably won't do anything about it until my sitch is more stable though). *Going on more outings with the kids. *Not answering his phone calls or responding to his texts immediately. *I've set more limits with the kids. *I think I've become a more positive person in general. I am learning to be grateful for what I do have.
There is a big 180 that I have my eye on, but I am still working up the gall - stop smoking. That one would be huge!
