I was DB'ing but just discovered an affair

[jbnati]

Last night was a different story though. They showed up at the house and within 10 minutes they left. The W told me they are considering moving already! They have only been in their current apartment for three weeks. The new place will be significantly more expensive and the rent it will be about 60% of her take home pay. :-O

I shouldn't have given my opinion, but I couldn't help it. I told her that it didn't sound like a good idea. In an instant, she got visibly upset and told me that my comments are why we are divorcing. I told her I was just trying to help and she said she didn't need my help and that it was none of my business. She also said it was my "delivery" when I give my advice.

NTX - it looks like you received a big learning opportunity, no? Like lc4 mentioned, she pretty much gave you a 180 to do. I read this and jbnati 2.0 probably would have done the same thing. I also was just shaking my head. There goes the WAS again! All over the map! She obviously doesn't know what she wants. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here now, but this is where you have the chance to share in her excitement. Then - you can start shaking your head after she leaves. Heck, if you share in her excitement you may see her start to her question herself at that point.

You know what you did and you know what you need to do.

I am about 15 hours NE of DFW BTW.

[NTX_Dad]

I had therapy last night and left there feeling a bit angry. I told the therapist that I have been strong and have not been sad yet. She told me that she thinks my wife has been using me and that essentially I need to detach and not let her permeate my boundaries.

She also pointed out that while my wife and I get along most of the time and enjoy our time and dates, that her general trajectory is still towards divorce.

After I left I went to the gym. While I was on the treadmill I started thinking about the texts I found in August and then started piecing together other trivial events over the past month and I started to imagine and believe that she *IS* having a physical affair right now. The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. I was a mad man on the treadmill and ran harder and faster than I ever have. LOL

I am leaving here shortly to pick up my D from the W's apartment on the way home. Last week she invited me in for a beer and we talked for almost an hour. I am not sure how it will go tonight. I should probably decline and just grab my daughter and go.

JB - I am pretty certain I know where you live. I grew up in Cincinnati and moved to DFW about 16 years ago. I know a lot of the places that you mention when you talk about GAL'ing.

[ncl]

Sorry you were so po'ed...hey, aren't you supposed to leave your therapist's office feeling better and not worse? I am glad you took your anger out on the treadmill instead of your W! Quit thinking about if she is or isn't having an affair right now. I mean, seriously, how is that going to help you, other than getting in a few more miles on the treadmill?

I hope tonight went well. I agree with your therapist...boundaries and detaching. That's where it's at, NTX. Oh, and as JB would say, GAL, too!

Have any fun plans for the weekend?

[jbnati]

JB - I am pretty certain I know where you live.

Should I be worried? It was the GAL'ing locations, not the "nati" part of jbnati combined with my Ohio location, thenm that gave it away?

I'm glad you were able to channel your anger into greater intensity on the treadmill.

Listen to lc4 - she's a wise woman. Don't focus on what your W may or may not be doing right now.

You're therapist is right as far you needing to detach, but what was the point of telling you you are on course for D?

[NTX_Dad]

jb - it was partially the 'nati part of your name, but also you mentioned Kings Island and the Bengals.

lc - thanks for your input as usual.

Last night was a pretty horrible night. I stopped by the W's apartment to pick up our D and when I got there, D was doing fine and seemed to be in a good mood. I hung out for about 15 minutes and when it was time to leave, I said something about homework and she had a meltdown that lasted about 45-60 minutes. She cried, yelled, kicked, and complained about several items. Most notably was her being stressed about moving AGAIN in the near future.

(I can't remember if I mentioned it earlier, but the W announced the other day that they are moving into a new apartment soon after only being in their current apartment for 3 weeks!)

D was also upset about her grades falling. She has been a straight "A" student until this year and now she's not doing so well.

And the D complained that she hates us all being apart.

We tried to calm her down and eventually I got her out of there and we ended up having a GREAT evening at the house. She was very affectionate this morning and gave me several hugs. I think she enjoyed being back at the house for one night and perhaps my strong, steady, upbeat demeanor helped as well.

[ncl]

Poor, sweet baby girl, and poor you. So much stress and change is hard on us adults, I can only imagine how difficult it is on our little ones. If any good at all came from last night, I hope that 1) your daughter felt better after getting some of her frustrations, sadness, fears, etc out. Internalizing isn't good for anyone, and she felt comfortable letting loose and letting the two of you see that. That is a good thing; and 2) that your wife saw how her actions and decisions are affecting your daughter. I know that is painful for her to see, but sometimes the WAS thinks everyone is doing fine and good and doesn't see the consequences of their poor choices.

Also, it's great that afterwards your daughter found comfort with you at the home she is familiar with and comfortable in. It sounds like the outburst was good for her and she was able to go to school this morning feeling less stressed. I know I always feel better after a good cry.

You have handled the situation PERFECTLY up to this point! Now it is important that you do NOT throw this back in your wife's face. She saw and heard what your daughter was expressing, so you don't need to point it out to her. In fact, I wouldn't bring it up at all. Just keep being positive and upbeat and supportive for your daughter. Let your wife feel the guilt from this on her own. If she does open up to you about it saying she feels bad or whatever, don't give her the ol' "I told you so" lines. Just listen to her.

I hope you have a good weekend in store and that you get to spend some more time with your sweet girl. I'll be in your neck of the woods tomorrow for some soccer and then some GAL time with my girl friends!

love & hugs, lc4

[jbnati]

jb - it was partially the 'nati part of your name, but also you mentioned Kings Island and the Bengals.

Oh, and took my S some Skyline Chili yesterday for lunch at school. BTW, Skyline was on national TV on ESPN last night during the UC-NCSU game.

But I digress...

We tried to calm her down and eventually I got her out of there and we ended up having a GREAT evening at the house. She was very affectionate this morning and gave me several hugs. I think she enjoyed being back at the house for one night and perhaps my strong, steady, upbeat demeanor helped as well.

Hmmmm...sounds familiar. I think our kids tend to be influence by the parent they're with. My MC told me even before the bomb my S was likely imitating my W. So - I think this is a great opportunity for you. I think there's a lot to be said for your strong, steady, and upbeat attitude. It sounds like you're allowing to permeate the surface, which is the right way to do it. This gives you the opportunity to allow your D to be influenced by your changes, and it will SHOW your W these changes. It's very likely your D is not getting this influence from your W right now.

You have handled the situation PERFECTLY up to this point! Now it is important that you do NOT throw this back in your wife's face. She saw and heard what your daughter was expressing, so you don't need to point it out to her. In fact, I wouldn't bring it up at all. Just keep being positive and upbeat and supportive for your daughter. Let your wife feel the guilt from this on her own. If she does open up to you about it saying she feels bad or whatever, don't give her the ol' "I told you so" lines. Just listen to her.

I agree with lc4 here. Your W is probably already feeling the guilt, and I'm sure it cuts deeper than you know. All you need to do is sit back and let it ride. Just listen to your W if she brings it up. Teach your D to DB.

Ugh! I just HATE what this does to our kids!

[NTX_Dad]

jb - yes, I forgot about the reference to Skyline. Man I miss it. I only get up there about once a year.

Well the morning has been interesting to say the least.

A little back story... my wife has two friends that reached out to me last month. They said they weren't choosing sides and wanted to be friends with both of us. I always liked them but only hung out with them when my wife invited to me to do things with them all. One of them has a husband that I've really liked.

Anyway, about three weeks ago they invited my D and I out to dinner with them. We had a great time and I was truly thankful for their friendship and thoughtfulness. They even privately told me in a quick 30 minute conversation that they don't agree with what my W is doing and that I should protect myself and not let her run over me.

A couple of days ago I asked the friends H out for beers for tonight. He didn't respond immediately.

During the melt down last night, my D complained that she misses doing things as a family, so my W said we'll all go out for dinner this weekend.

After I left, I found out that the H does want to go out and wanted to bring his family (my W's friend). I told him the more the merrier. I then sent a message to the W letting her know.

Boy did she blow up. She started by saying she wasn't comfortable with it. Apparently she then started texting her friend and ended up getting in a fight about it. The friend insisted she wasn't taking sides and that I was her friend too and they were going out with me no matter what. The friend AND the hubby both called me last night to tell me not to worry about it and that they still want to go out.

This morning I started receiving horrible texts from W calling me every four letter word in the dictionary, telling me to get my own friends, and blaming me for the fight with her friend, and that she hates my guts. She then said she'll see me when I get home. I replied and told her to not come by and to leave me alone.

I closed saying that I accept our relationship is over, but as a friend I think she should see our doctor asap because her behavior, rage, and drama is out of control and that her personality has changed in the past month.

She had serious side effects from Celesta (?) over the summer and quit taking them cold turkey. Since then she really has been from one extreme to the other. The rage comes in an instant and it's like a completely different person is in the room.

Anyway, after that message the conversation went dead.

At this point, I honestly don't care what happens anymore. Something is wrong and she's become an immature monster and is not the woman I fell in love with.

[jbnati]

NSD, I think you should go out with friend's family and have a good time, despite the way your W's reacting. However, I don't know if this was your original intent, but your W should not be part of this dinner IMHO.

Your W, although she desperately needs help, is not going to take advice from you right now, regardless of how you frame it. But I think she pretty much told you that based on your last conversation, huh?

[NTX_Dad]

NSD, I think you should go out with friend's family and have a good time, despite the way your W's reacting. However, I don't know if this was your original intent, but your W should not be part of this dinner IMHO.

Your W, although she desperately needs help, is not going to take advice from you right now, regardless of how you frame it. But I think she pretty much told you that based on your last conversation, huh?

Yes sir, you are correct, she more or less said that earlier this week.

I thought since we "had" to have a dinner together as a family, that it was natural to just combine both events. I thought everyone would have a good time all the way around.

My W has bailed but I wouldn't be surprised if she told me just before dinner that she's coming if she's cooled down by then.

I am a slight bit nervous for the friends. I don't want them to get sucked up into this vortex, and I admit it may seem strange to the W that we are communicating. But the truth of the matter is they are nice people and THEY reached out to me.

I'll go and enjoy myself and refrain from talking about our sitch.

Have a four way with onion for me this weekend, followed by some Graeters.