I've decided to post this because sometimes I edit myself and its not always the most helpful because I don't get the benefit of someone being able to help knowing all the facts. Anyway, I had a bad day yesterday. I found out I'm probably not going to get my mortgage and then my ex brought that woman by again. The truth is as much as I try to detach I would still try to work things out if he said he wanted to try. At the very least I'm trying to stay friends. I'm trying to not put it out there that I want him back because that is pointless. If he ever decided to try again it would have to be him making that decision, not me pushing him into it. I am trying to move on and let what is going to happen, happen. Its really hard to do.
That really blows about the mortgage but there are usually roadblocks put up for a reason. You said your income is probably too low to qualify, right. Can you imagine if you got the approval and then found out your expenses were going to be far too high but you were trapped in the house? It could be a blessing.
Ok, on to your xh. He brought that woman by again? You are sure that she wasn't in his life prior to the D? Keep in mind that men typically do not do well without a woman on their arm. They seem to feel like they're less of a man if they don't show the world their ability to have procreation partners. I'm not saying that is what is going on, but even if it is.....is it really your business? You are divorced. You are both free agents. Just because you haven't moved on doesn't mean he shouldn't. It stinks that he's in that close proximity so you have it in your face.
Have you considered asking him, out of consideration for your feelings, if he would please have his dates away from the house? You made this agreement to live like this but if it is hurting you, you have the right to ask. Again, that doesn't mean he will capitualate. It needs to be asked in the right tone of voice and the right time also.
I'm not the best one to help you with the whole detatchment thing. I wasn't ever able to detach fully.
I hope you find a way through this that you can both live with. It will only be harder and harder on you and your kids if you can't.
Take care of you first, everyone else second.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thanks for the response mishka. As far as the mortgage, my income looks too low because the bank won't take my support payment into consideration for the first 12 months.
As far as the rest I know. But knowing and feeling are two different things. My brain is ahead of my emotions but its taking forever to catch up. Plus he doesn't help when he wavers about things. Like he says he wants to stay friends and still does some things if I want them. It makes it hard to disconnect. Plus he says time might change how he feels which is the real kicker.
That is what I need to do. I hate to do it to my youngest because she loves spending time with both of us but I at least need to do it long enough to develop some detachment.
Absolutely. It still feels too 'normal' to do things together. Until you detatch and can truly look at him as only the father of your child, nothing more, you need the distance.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I forgot to mention earlier that my loan officer is working on getting an exception in my case. So I should find out around the middle of next week if my mortgage is still a go or if I need to do something different.
A big push for me to work on detaching came from an incident at work. A little boy, maybe 5 or 6, was dropped off by his mom. The poor thing was sobbing because his mom had told him she was going to throw away his glasses. I hugged him and told him that I was sure she didn't mean it and she probably didn't. She was probably just frustrated and spoke from that. Anyway, it illustrated to me how much our words and actions affect our kids and I need to get to the point that I am able to affect them positively instead of negatively. I have been hurting for awhile and its affected them. Detaching would address that. So I need to stand down and get out of the fight.
So sorry.