Can a marriage survive two affairs?

[Accuray]

Mustworknow,

Enjoying the spark and "in-love" feeling is normal, everyone wants that. I listened to a program that talked about the fact that as humans, we are born with a dilemma. We are wired to want to fall in love over and over again, and to have multiple sex partners. We are also wired to "pair bond", and to want a relationship where we are loved unconditionally, and we can rely on our partner. Those two desires are in conflict, as having a relationship we can rely upon and where we feel loved requires monogamy.

In the program I listened to, they referred to this as the "two choice dilemma", if asked to choose between a monogamous relationship we can rely upon where we feel loved, or the opportunity to fall in love over and over again with multiple partners, we want to choose both. We want the multiple relationships for us, and monogamy for our partner so we can rely on them.

This is a dilemma we all face, and a choice we must make. Marriage is a contract we make with each other where we agree to give up falling in love over and over again in exchange for feeling loved in a relationship we can rely upon.

One of the things that's so painful in an A, is that you have given up your desire to fall in love again and stayed faithful, while your H violated your contract and got to enjoy both choices. The fact that he was desired by someone else validates him, and can make you feel that the relationship problems are therefore your fault, and it's 2 against 1. Eventually you need to come to terms with the fact that the A was his weakness, his immature view of marriage, and was not a reflection on you, it was a reflection on him.

If your H is going to be away for 15 months, that is going to be extraordinarily difficult at this point in your M, given what's just happened. If there is any way to avoid this separation, you should pursue it, either by going with him, or having him reassigned somewhere you can be together. If those are both impossible, then I think you need to have some frank discussions.

I would explain that you also would enjoy falling in love again and basking in someone's affections, but that you are choosing to be monogamous because that choice feels like the right one for you. You are willing to do the work to preserve the marriage, and forsake that "in love" feeling for someone new.

Your "H" can make the same choice, to be faithful and to choose marriage and to do the work, or he can choose not to. That's up to him. If he decides to stray, however, he should commit to telling you first, so that you can make your own decisions. Sneaking around and being dishonest is a scenario where no one will win.

Your H is not evil or bad, but he appears to be immature WRT his expectations of marriage and what makes relationships work. If possible, you should get him to read Divorce Busting and The Five Love Languages, as these books will help to put things in context for him and set his expectations. Ideally read these together and discuss them.

I would definitely not feel good about the 15 months of separation, but if it is unavoidable, I would definitely use the time to GAL and work on self-improvement, so that even if things do not work out, you get to a place where you feel really good about yourself, are more self-actualized and have yourself together more than you ever have. If you can do that, you'll not only be attractive to your H, you'll be attractive to anyone, and that will create a positive cycle that will make you happy and give you lots of confidence.

I've had friends who have used www.meetup.com as a good way to GAL, it's a non-threatening way to meet new people, and doesn't require any commitments on your part. I wish I could offer you better advice about the separation. I feel for you, and I'm not sure I would be able to handle it if I were in your shoes.

Best of luck!