NTX That one was a no brainer never provide unsolicited advice, it never goes well!!
Yes yes yes. I will never make that mistake again!
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I am very cautious at this point, and I am reading nothing into any of this. For all I know, she could be telling me they are running off to Vegas for an Elvis impersonator marriage ceremony.
She has so much work to do before she can be good for herself, let alone anyone else. I'm not changing my strategy for my own self-improvement or GAL activities one bit.
Very good, Telemark. You don't know what in the world her next step will be. Right now, the two of you are unequally yoked, and it would not be a good thing for you to move back toward each other too fast or too soon.
Thanks everyone, for your support. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by being so patient. She is still playing the victim card ("Look how my own son has written me off", "My life is becoming so unglued", etc.) while she continues down her crazy path. IF what she is telling me is true about her "hands off" relationship with the OM, then that means SS21 no longer has his own room at her house, and trust me, that is not good for his happiness and stability.
I can go either way with this. I will hold off on the D for a while, but I could file today if needed, and I wouldn't look back for a second.
I would also recommend time. I know this is your 2nd M, but I am assuming that you are coming at this from a totally different perspective? Is that a wrong assumption.
As someone who is going through a D at a very rapid pace.. I constantly wish for time. Not just because I still want M (I won't deny that I won't) but it's a helluva lot of feelings to process. Some days I just can't handle myself.
If I would have gotten D last month, I would have been much angrier, now I'm more calm. Two months ago, I would have given w way more than she deserved, now I am saying I deserve half.
I'm not saying you are me.. I'm just saying time has been a godsend for me. If you can hang in there.. do so.
My .02
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Had quite an e-mail exchange with her yesterday. It started innocently enough; she informed me her BIL ( older sister's H who has been ill with a number of diseases this last year) has been given 3 to 6 months due to cancer, diabetes and several other conditions. The man is only 52; very sad. I told her how sorry I was for him and his family. This was her reply:
"I called (younger sister) and her response was," That's so sad, but it was expected. I hope he uses his time wisely". She has no intention of calling her...I just don't get it. I guess I have the same situation with (SS24). He wouldn't care if I dropped dead, either."
Lots of love between those sisters. I told her I was sorry about her dust-up with SS24 on Saturday. Her reply:
"(SS24)'s actions and behavior on Saturday hurt me deeply. His words not only hurt, but his public rantings embarrassed me. He treated me the same way his father did. It was all about him and, not once did he care about what I was feeling or going through. If he had been sharing his heart with me instead of you these last several months, he would have known my heart as well. He is no longer safe and I will never open up to him again."
What you are feeling or going through? What about the family you walked out on? But I did not say that. My reply:
"Regarding (SS24), he has shared a lot of his heart with me these last several months. You got the angry (SS24) on Saturday, but the sensitive, thoughtful-and very hurt- (SS24) I’ve seen is different. If you want to talk about it, I’d be glad to."
Her reply:
"Regardless, how he treated me last Saturday was hurtful and unnecessary. As I stated before, had he been talking to me these last several months Saturday's fiasco would not have happened. I prefer not to discuss this anymore, and, I hope that this conversation will end here and not be shared with (SS24)."
I replied that I would honor her request, but I felt there were unresolved issues with SS24...yes, I know, I was walking into the mine field. Her rely:
"I asked not to discuss it anymore because I don't believe I can trust anyone with my feelings or heart. How can I reconcile with anyone? Whether we divorce or stay together will not change the fact the kids are hurt, angry and aren't talking to me. It will not change what has happened between us. Nothing will make this better. None of us will trust each other anymore."
Still all about her...she then tells me that what nobody understands is that OM and his mother are "family" to her, and why am I getting so angry? (I wasn't but she perceived my mood through my e-mails as angry, I suppose). My reply:
"I’m not angry with you, (W). I Just don’t know what to do next. You asked me to put a hold on the divorce proceedings, which I gladly did. But then you railed against (SS24) and me for talking to each other. He did not violate your trust; he shared only what I told you he said; that you told him about (OM). He is deeply hurt and angry, and probably – and I’m assuming this; he did not say this to me – doesn’t feel like he can talk to you for fear of getting into a fight, which is exactly what happened.
Regarding (OM), you’ve told me you are in love with him, but you are protecting your heart from him. You say he is family, but only a few weeks ago, sitting at my dining room table, you admitted you want an intimate relationship with him. I suspect you have been in love with him since the day you two reconnected. You wanted to be with him, and you figured out how to make that happen. He’s in, I’m out.
(W), I was not a perfect husband; not even a great husband. But I loved you as much as any man can love a woman. You could not return that love. I get it. I lived with a lie for 11 years. Now you are with your new family. I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for. But I also hope you know that I would have waited for you to get yourself right."
And her reply:
"Do you blame me for being hurt over the fact that my son spoke to you instead of me? How would you feel if this was reversed and your son spoke to me instead of you. And...what fight? It was all one sided...(SS24) tore me up one side and down the other until I was in tears and asked him to leave because I couldn't take anymore. I thought it was safe to vent to you...obviously not. There's no use in addressing the rest of your e-mail...you have it all figured out how you see it. I will pass on coffee Friday and will just pick up my things and go."
At that point I realized that my W has lost her mind. She is living in a total fantasy world. I knew from experience that whenever things got tough she tended to flee rather than fight, but to create her own "family" of 2 people she barely knows while casting off her real family tells me she has lost all touch with the real world.
I will continue to hold off on the D, but other than that, I am truly mystified.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Sorry that your email exchange took the turn that it did tm. I know how much you'd like to have a reasonable, adult interaction with her. It just doesn't look like that's possible *at this time*
I suspect that your W's world will become even more crazy than you thought, but that's a journey she has to take. As the LBS's, we can only hope that the path they take eventually reconnects with ours, rather than off a cliff.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I wouldn't recommend otherwise, but I am wondering... now that you've heard what you have from your W... you are honouring her request to hold off the D... why?
Your W's intentions may be clear... or not... in her own mind...
I think that the LBS holds back because we buy in to the WAS claim that the future is a terrible place if we do not comply...
The general truth is, rational people eventually reflect and forgive and work on broken Rs after a period of time passes... no matter how bad things get...
You... will probably always be willing... down the road...
Your W...? Who knows...
She's not ready to change... she is plowing ahead... and asked you to stop (slow down) from protecting yourself... and you have complied... and your soft, underbelly will remain unguarded...
Does that sound like a good idea, a request that has come from a "sound" mind...?
KD, I'm holding off on the D for now only because W is in rage mode, and I will get zero cooperation from her about anything. I'd rather wait a few weeks, or even a few months, and get her to work with me on the filing. Otherwise, it will become a battle.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
