I met my boyfriend in 2009, we chatted online for 5 months, went on a date, and moved in together a
month later. I was so in love, he was so smart, sweet and funny. He seemed to feel the same way, we did everything together, it just seemed like the logical thing to do
since we hated being apart. 7 months after we moved in, he lost his job, lost his house (not the one we live in) and tore a muscle in
his back. He was in pain for over a month, I took care of him, got him medications, tried to convince
him to see a doctor, managed to get him to a chiropractor. We didnt have sex, he was in a lot of pain.
He managed to get a job 2 weeks after being fired (for a wage increase). I started to notice he was withdrawn, not sweet like before, he stopped touching me, holding hands,
cuddles. He stopped helping round the house. I waited for a couple of months, I didnt want to pressure
him and I felt rejected. When he was free from pain I tried to initiate some kind of affection, like cuddling etc, but he would
always find a way to get out of the cuddle as soon as possible. He's an insomniac and sleeps very little, he says he enjoys it, that he gets to work longer hours, but he
is then too tired to help round the house, too tired not to be in a bad mood, and I guess his libido is
affected by this lack of sleep too. I have tried getting him to a sleep clinic but he doesnt want to go, I
gave up because I realized pretty soon that he does what he wants and I can't convince him
otherwise. He's been sleeping 4 to 5 hours a night since he was 15 (hes now nearly 40). I got to the point that I felt so bad about myself and so sad and confused that I started having panic
attacks. I would lie in bed and try to sleep but all of a sudden, I'd feel so upset that I couldn't breath,
Id have to get up and go calm myself down by sitting on the bathroom floor. I finally got the courage to ask him about it, but I didnt manage to keep it cool, I cried. I asked him if
he loved me and he said yes, then I said, why do you not touch me then, he said he didnt feel like
having sex, I said, ok, but I am not talking about sex, I am talking about affection, he said he was
worried that I would want sex if he gave me a cuddle or a kiss. I told him that if you dont want sex, I
am not going to force you, that I would only enjoy sex if he was happy about it too, that I respected
him and would never pressure him. I told him that I missed sex but that I missed affection and love
more, that I couldnt be happy with no affection. That the sex issue could be worked on in time, no
pressure. I asked him if he knew why he felt low libido, he said that it was because he didnt feel very
happy, that he felt bad about the way his body looks, that he used to have a muscular body and now
doesnt, I told him I love his body as it is but that I understand how he feels because I feel bad about
myself sometimes too and that I think he's gorgeous and wouldnt change a thing (very true, I think he's
beautiful). I asked him if he would let me cuddle him (now that he know its not foreplay) and if he felt
uncomfortable, to tell me, not to physically push me away. He agreed, so I gave him a cuddle and told him I love him. Nothing changed, I would try to cuddle him and he kept pushing me away, I then gave up. I couldnt take the pain. A few months later I tried talking again with him, we basically had the same conversation, but with a small twist, he said: Well I never though sex was that important, I actually prefer being on the computer doing something. I felt so angry about this that I didnt say anything. HOW COULD HE SAY THIS??? I felt lied to, cheated, tricked! How could he say he never liked sex, was it all an act? He said it in such a "matter of fact" manner that was comparable to being slapped in the face. I have always found it easy to date, to meet men, I have always enjoyed sex, I made it no secret to him as I didn't wait to be intimate with him, I think half of the relationship is physical and half intellectual. I can't believe that he knew all along he didnt like sex, if he had told me in the beginning, before I fell in love with him, I would have told him I didnt want to go down this road. He basically pretended to be sexual and I stupidly fell for it. I love him but I dislike him also, he is selfish and self centered in all of our relationship. He wont share intimacy, a conversation or even be polite. Last night for example I brought back some cakes for him, I had gone to a work dinner (which I invited him to as always and he said no as always) I stopped by a bakery and got a box of cakes for him, just as a nice gesture (I was thinking about you gesture) I get home, he doesnt even get up from his chair to say hi, I give him the box and kiss him on the forehead and smile and say: Here are some cakes for you, they smell lovely! He says: OK. This is enthusiastic response to anything I try to do to be nice. I got him chocolates on valentine's in a heart shaped box and he didnt even say thank-you, I didnt expect a present, I just want some acknowledgment that I am not a doormat.
