Thanks, 25. Sometimes I feel like I've forgiven him about some things, and then out of nowhere it comes and bites me in the face. I really don't know a whole lot about anger and grieving, so I don't know if that's just part of the process. The thing I do know about is behavior. We measure changes in behavior with 3 things: duration, intensity, and frequency. So, I feel like the grief is decreasing because the frequency at which it is popping up is less and the amount of time it takes me to bounce back is much less. However when it rears it's ugly head, it is just as intense (and, ergo, exhausting when it happens). So from a behavior standpoint, I would count it as a win, but like I said, still exhausting.
And yes, you're right about never seeing the past the same. In undergrad, I had a prof who was actually really into research on eye witness accounts. It's amazing how terrible people are at that sort of thing! I think the key thing for me is not only to remember that his perception/recollection is different than mine, but not to try to defend MY perception/recollection when he attacks.
H has said he wants to do a "from this day forward" type of thing as far as future finances and personal disclosure goes, but it's the letting go that will be hard for both of us on different topics.
And thank you, CS, for your post. I always love to read what you have to say. I don't know how closely you follow my sitch, but I work with VERY handicapped children. Like, our goals in my classroom are to learn their colors and not bite their friends and teachers. Last week I was bit, pinched, scratched and had to run one down from escaping from campus. Every time I think I found all the bruises on my body, I find another one.
But it never pisses me off. They cannot communicate. They do not understand the world around them.
When a behavior modification technique backfires, I don't get mad at them or at myself. I just think, "well, that wasn't the trick" and go back to the drawing board. I don't try to force the ineffective technique.
But you putting it in that perspective really helps me get my head around this crap in a much more manageable way. Thank you.
Clearly the anger is an ineffective technique. Like I said, all it did was piss him off and earn me a migraine.
I did call his this evening to apologize for the way in which I expressed my frustrations. He said that given the circumstances it's completely understandable. I told him I think talks involving tense subjects should be contained to the internet. He agreed. We can talk about our days, our jobs, our D on the phone or in person, but the other sh!t, we just can't handle right now.
