Thanks guys. I had a good long cry (probably needed it after several days of calm.. I suppose the body has a release valve for this kind of build up) and I feel better now. Much more in control of myself. Going to keep it professional and cordial tonight.
I think perhaps it's time to start calling H... STBXH.
STBXH came over, helped put the kids to bed. It was so uncomfortable. He was twitching and holding himself and exhibiting all sorts of uncomfortable body language.
The kids made liars out of me again.. They've been asking all sorts of questions about "Why doesn't Daddy live here?" and "Does Daddy hate our house?" etc etc. So I told STBXH that we have to tell them tonight. STBXH (Boy, H is much easier to type) clammed right up so I tried to tell them. They didn't pay any attention to me and were more interested in the new cat and avoiding bedtime. STBXH muttered "I don't think they care as much as you think they do." Heh... thanks kids.
I gave him the separation papers to sign and he signed them.
Put them to bed. Gave STBXH a bunch of stuff of his that I had put into boxes. He took them out to his car. I was being professional, civil, strong.. cordial... DBing like a champ.
Then he started talking R. And I tried to turn him aside but he wouldn't have it. About halfway through I finally started crying... DAMMIT! I was doing soooo well.
Things that came out:
Don't put K's address as his address on the separation form. It's just "a place he's staying", it's not his home. (Whaaa? Last week he was calling it home and my place.)
He stuck to his guns that K is just a friend... one of the best friends he's ever had but just a friend. But he's going to take her out on a date Saturday night.... but *only* because she needs to get out of the house and her mom is in town to babysit. (Okay...) But right now they are "just friends"... but don't worry.. I'll be the first to know, he says, if it turns into anything more. (Awesome. Well... no surprises there... I've always considered K to be OW#3 once I saw them texting each other hearts, ILUs and I miss you soooo muchs to each other fifteen times a day.)
He's a little upset (but not fuming) that I defriended K on FB... and requested that I should defriend him too. I explained my reasons for defriending her and that I would not defriend him yet.
My reasons for defriending her.. that last picture of her on his car hurt me and I don't feel I need to see that. I also don't feel that I need to be FB friends with the woman my husband is living with. (To which he quickly corrected me "Ex... It's Ex-Husband.")
He still thinks of me as a really good and kind person and he's going to make sure that me and the kids are financially taken care of... it's going to be tricky because he doesn't make a lot of money. He's requested that I try and get on as much government assistance as soon as possible.
He says he's a bad person and I deserve someone who is better. Someone who really loves me. Then he goes into the same speech I've heard since this all began which was that he doesn't believe in marital love or romantic love. One man can love many people. People can be married to several people. "I love many people!" he says. Then he explains his theory that I only think I love him because he was my "first"... that's why I think I loved him. And one day I will find someone who can give me what I need.
By the end of it, he was crying too.
I wish he would talk to someone. I found myself listening to him go back and forth thinking ".... and why am I the one who is going to see IC?"
I know, I know... I still need to see IC. I just wish he would too. But he's always been anti-counseling. He just seems to be getting worse.
I can't save him. I can't even help him. I tried to help him load the carseats in the car and he snapped at me. "I don't need your help!"
I told him he confused me so... He pursues me, tells me he going to marry me.. then he leaves me... that doesn't work out, he comes back to me.... tells me he wants to work things out.. tells me that he *wants* to be married... then he leaves me.
"Nothing confusing about it." He responded. "I'm a horrible person."
"You never were to me."
"Yeah.. well... you're blind."
I realized that I was getting involved in more R talk than I should be and successfully cut it off there.
My head hurts, my stomach is cramping up. I'm glad he's gone now.
Sitting here in my living room, in my small one bedroom house I am running a list over off all the things I am grateful for. And it is helping.
And my father (who lives across the street) just walked me over a porkchop and a glass of red wine.
Sigh. The scary thing to me continues to be how much better I feel when he's not around.
I have a lot of GALing I intended to do tonight but I just don't have the energy for it. Might turn in early.
Should also point out that he told me.. for the one hundredth time.. that he is looking forward to the day where he and I can just hang out as friends... and he knows it's his bad for being impatient and wishing I was "there already".
Sigh...
And because I know I shouldn't make a post about STBXH without also thinking of myself and what I'm going to do...
Tonight there will be not much GALing... thinking of going to bed at 10pm tonight and cuddling my cats. Heh... I want another kitten. Might turn into a crazy cat lady...
I don't know if we're supposed to link outside of the community (Mods will correct me if I'm acting inappropriately) but I just read this... and it's almost, panel for panel... what happened to me last night.... except for the part where I throw myself at STBXH.
Nasty surprise from FB today. I've blocked STBXH's messages from coming up in my feed but one squeaked by security settings. A photo that another friend commented on of K in her costume that STBXH made for her that she wears to the charity gigs.
Friend comment: "Oooo - nice! Can I borrow her? Lol." STBXH: "Ha ha... sorry man, she's a one woman man."
Was. Not. Expecting. That.
(I mean... logically I know, of course... I just wasn't expecting to see it tonight.)
*Tweaks the security settings a little more aggressively*
Siiiiiiigh.
And the kids are spending the whole day with K and STBXH tomorrow.... I'll try to make the most of my day at work. I'm going to bring my ukelele and practice, practice, practice.
Adjusting to the third new step-mother figure that the kids are going to have in their lives. Feeling angry about that. Understanding there is nothing I can do about it. STBXH has to be free to live his life as he needs to.
I am going to strive to be the stable spoke in the center of my kid's turning world.
Beginning to get all my ducks in a row. I'm going to get myself an appointment with Legal Aid. Just because I still care for him doesn't mean I shouldn't start making some moves to protect me and the kids.
As hard as it may be, I really think it is in your best interest to block your ex also. I know there is something so final about it, but I promise you, once you do it you will feel so much better.
Nothing good can come of you seeing what he is up to. It takes your focus off of you and on to him, and that isn't something you need right now.
He has left you several times for OW's in the past, it's time for you to get strong enough to learn that you deserve better-because you really do. Eventually this "friendship" with OW is going to fizzle and it won't surprise me if he comes crawling back. Now, I know you want to save your M but my only concern is he'll keep doing this to you for as long as you allow him to.
You deserve so, so much better.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
It's not an easy road.
They've been asking all sorts of questions about "Why doesn't Daddy live here?" and "Does Daddy hate our house?" etc etc. So I told STBXH that we have to tell them tonight. STBXH (Boy, H is much easier to type) clammed right up so I tried to tell them. They didn't pay any attention to me and were more interested in the new cat and avoiding bedtime. STBXH muttered "I don't think they care as much as you think they do." Heh... thanks kids.
I was doing soooo well.