One other thing to remember, you are *not* at fault for her A! You both had issues in your M, but she was the one that crossed that line. Never allow yourself to think, feel or believe you caused it!
One book I like to recommend to people involved in A is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's an excellent book that examines A's from the standpoint of all three people involved and does not demonize or put down any of them.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
For the first time in awhile I feel like my head is starting to slow down. I don't feel like cutting her off anymore. Instead I just want to take some time and get over some of my pain. It's not like we have to talk for hours...I can be pleasant and positive. Fake it till you make it, right? 
I'll post again tomorrow to let y'all know how it went. Until then...
You're getting good advice here, from good people. And I know it can be hard to put into action - really hard, and it takes time - but it really worked for me and others here. Read those books (I did) and do what it takes to get yourself together. For me it was re-establishing a few friendships, doing a few little things for myself, exercise, and getting enough sleep. Oh yeah, the IC and ADs for a while too. What's it for you? All those things kept me busy and kept me from running my mouth without thinking and doing even more damage. Take care of yourself.
Well, it's been quite the day....quite a good day. I think my head is at a good place right now. I'm sad and hurt about the whole situation. However, I don't feel the need to run anymore. I've been reading some books that have been recommended for me to read and it's hit home a little bit. I forgot who I am...especially around my wife.
I realize the affair was not my fault now. Sure, I wasn't there, but ultimately, she did what she did. I warned her it would happened and she did it anyway. The way I feel about the situation is that I want some space to work those issues out in my head. I don't want to cut her off anymore. In fact, I just talked to her on the phone. Now before you get your 2x4's out....I called her to see what she was going to do with the kids while she was at a training seminar for work tomorrow. We made a pickup and drop off arrangement. We talked a little bit about how much I need to pay the daycare that she works when they watch my kids while I'm at work. In the conversation I mentioned something about some items I purchased and needing to look at my bank account to see how much $$$ was in there. She asked if I would mind her asking me what I bought....
Okay guys. Everyone has been asking me what I've been doing for me. I haven't been able to answer that because I've been doing things for us. Well, I bought myself a new iPad, but the thing I'm most excited about is some concert tickets I purchased to see my favorite band in Atlanta, GA (I live in Nashville). I've never seen them live before and it was on my bucket list...I can't wait. So, anyway I told her what I bought. A week or so ago, when I thought we were working on us, I asked her if she wanted to go to that concert with me. She never gave me an answer. Generally, if she doesn't go with me, I just don't go. Even if it's as simple as going to a movie or a store. Well, I figured that I don't have anyone telling me what I can and cannot do with my money or time. It felt so amazing buying those tickets. I know that may sound ridiculous, but it felt good.
I'm also thinking about going back to my former career, now that I'm not tied down at home too much. I haven't fully decided because my kids never liked me doing it, but we'll see how things go. If they are against it, I will not do it. I had my dream job and going back to it excites me. I would tour around the country with various music artists and bands doing technical junk. It was the funnest I ever had. Like I said though, if the kids are the slightest bit uncomfortable with it, it isn't going to happen. That's MY choice.
As far as the wife goes. I think we both have a lot to work on. I need to step it up as a man a bit. The funny thing is that in certain situations or around other people I am the man that she wants me to be....in fact, that is what I believe she found attractive about me in the beginning. But with her, I was a frightened, weak, coward. Well, no more. I enjoy being the confident guy who can make the decisions no matter what kind of stress I'm under. That's what I loved about touring is that, no matter where your show was, something unexpected would come up that would mess up everything. Every show. I thrived under that. I love that feeling. When you have 30 minutes to soundcheck and you realize you don't have a certain cable adaptor that you need, so you have someone drive you to a store, pick up your items, make the cable and have it plugged in before soundcheck...it's awesome. I love it. When I have any stress with her, I would cower down because I was afraid she would leave me...or afraid to admit to myself that she was lying to me, or whatnot, because it would hurt if I did admit it.
So, dave is back! She wants a man, well I can be a man. I've done it before. I still have some work to do. I know that there is a chance that she will not like it and leave me for good...and I'm okay with that. That's her decision. Frankly, I don't want to be married to the woman she has become. It's too much pain, too many lies, too many trust issues. That's not to say that I do not want to work on the marriage. I'm doing my part. The rest is up to her. I can't do a thing about it. I almost feel bad saying this, but if she doesn't want to work on the things that she has done to me and the kids, then I deserve better. My heart's desire is to be with her. But, I'm not going to, if things don't change. She has a lot of things to figure out. I can't do anything about them, so until then, I'll work on my stuff. We'll see how it pans out, but I'm not interested in rushing into anything right now. There's no way that she can deal with all of the issues in this short amount of time. I hope she does.
I just feel like I'm in a life raft on the ocean. All her indecisiveness and problems are like the waves underneath me. Sometimes they're huge and seem overbearing and sometimes they are small and unnoticeable. Either way, I still love the ocean and I'm going to do my best to survive the rough times and enjoy the peaceful times. Either way, I can't control the ocean and it would be foolish for me to try.
I know it's quite a change in attitude from one or two days ago. I don't have this perfected by any means, but I do think my head is in a more rational place. I think my motives and thoughts are healthy ones. Anyone have any comments on whether they think I'm moving in the right direction?
I hope everyone has a great weekend. I know I'm gonna. I'm going to take the kids and do something exciting and new...something we've never done before. I don't know what, but I'm a creative guy.
In the end, you have to do what YOU have to do what you have to to be happy.
She is out of your control, her feelings and wants are hers. YOUR GOAL is to become someone you haven't been lately. You need to do this consistently and slowly. If she likes what you have done and she senses you are NOT doing this to get her back....she might just comeback.
These changes are for the rest of YOUR life Man, not to get her to notice. Keep doing YOU.
If she likes what you have done and she senses you are NOT doing this to get her back....she might just comeback.
These changes are for the rest of YOUR life Man, not to get her to notice. Keep doing YOU.
I'm prepared if she decides not to come back. I imagine I'm going through the hardest part of it all right now. Truth be told, I'm tired of being someone I'm not just to please her...what did it get me? I'm not busting my ass to be miserable anymore. I don't want the marriage I had before. I want a new marriage where we are both happy and healthy. That's up to her though....either way, I'm going to be happy...and that is MY decision.
Everything is going good. Just giving her space and reading a lot of books. I'm realizing a lot of things I do good and a lot of things I need to work on. I am enjoying life. I feel like I'm in a good place right now.
I have realized that the separation and affair is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. If it never happened I would still be stuck in the rut that I've lived in for years now. I'm grateful that I have the chance to change into the man that I need to be for my daughters. That makes all of this worthwhile...no matter what happens between their mom and I.
Just a quick update....I'm still reading all of the suggested books...and then some. I forgot how much I like to read. My emotions seem to be smoothing out a bit. I still get down sometimes and right now I miss her...a lot. Sometimes i feel like my situation is hopeless. I just keep reminding myself that these are just feelings. Sometimes I feel like eating steak and sometimes I feel like eating chicken. Feelings are just fleeting moments that will change with time. Plus, this gives me some practice on being more positive and controlling my emotions.
I'm still giving my W her space. I saw her briefly tonight when I dropped some stuff off for the girls. I really want to talk to her and pursue. This is not an option though. It's not about me anymore. I love her too much to put any pressure on her. If space is what she wants, then I am happy to give it to her. I'm a big boy and can keep my emotions in check. The last thing she needs is an emotional, desperate, needy, selfish little boy chasing her around wanting attention so that he can fell better or justify his behavior. She's got enough to figure out. This is her time now.
