Cam - I'm sorry you're going through this. I only have a second before a meeting but wanted to say that I sympathize. I was in a similar place. Bond's giving you good advice....hmmmmm...same I got come to think of it. My advice, get a IC (don't tell your W for now) and let it all out to them. Exercise to get some stress out. Minimmize contact with your W to when you can be calm and confident. Work on old friendships. Over time, all this helps. Despite what it feels like you don't have to do anything to try and win your W back right now. Step one is to work on YOU. Because working on you IS working on your M. Please take care of yourself. The awful panicked feeling does pass, and then you can do the real work for you and your M. Stay in touch.
Thanks for the advice all. It was definitely a sh!t day. I had a session with my IC last night and unloaded on her about everything. She made a good point in that I seem to have such a different view on our M than my W. All I see are the good things, the fun, laughs and best friends - whereas my W just sees the negatives and crap that went down and the way I didn't make her feel special. I really had no idea it was that bad for her or that she was ever thinking like that. I was so caught up in my own world and worrying about my work and career, that I didn't realise how uneven the M was or how I would have been to live with. I can see all that now, I see everything. I see who I was and I hate that person. I see how it made her feel, I understand her sadness. I lived in this false world where I never thought she would leave me, she was always the one who was so affectionate and in love and adored me. I thought once we were married, that was it. There would be ups and downs and we could get through them. I know I wasn't the best husband and I didn't make the environment as even as it should have been or a real partnership. I didn't know how important this was to her. Just sux that I now know so much about myself and my M and I never will get the chance to be with her again.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
So my W never responded to my email yesterday - probably didn't expect her to anyway. I'm considering just giving her a quick call tonight to apologise for yesterday and I guess more reiterate the 'drop rope' position I should have be maintaining. My DB Coach thinks being fully dark is not that essential for me, as she needs to see changes. I don't plan on calling her a lot or trying to see her, but rather than just hiding maybe I put myself out there more. Any thoughts on a call tonight? I promise it will be quick, I will end it first and there will be no R talk.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
I am not trying to make you feel worse than you already do.
You need to detach.
This isn't helping.
The only reason to call her is to make YOU feel better.
And I don't think it will.
I don't want to contradict the advice you are getting but I want to point out what your coach may not be privy to and that is that you can't handle the interactions right now.
You are so full of fear and tentitiveness.
Your are like a nervous puppy that has been smacked away from its feeding bowl.
Whatever the outcome you have got to stop being the victim here.
Just stop it.
You are a good man. You made some mistakes but everyone does. She is not your judge and executioner.
So STOP giving her that power!
The only mistakes are ones you don't learn from and do better.
How can you do better?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
OK....got it. No call. You know I just want to understand......what she is doing, why she's doing this, what she's thinking. She has never really explained it to me other than her reasons which don't seem that strong - as everyone we know says; they're not reasons to leave a marriage. If I had an understanding then it would help me to make sense of this horrible situation.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
OK....got it. No call. You know I just want to understand......what she is doing, why she's doing this, what she's thinking. She has never really explained it to me other than her reasons which don't seem that strong - as everyone we know says; they're not reasons to leave a marriage. If I had an understanding then it would help me to make sense of this horrible situation.
No I'm afraid it would not. Why? B/c there is no reason in your mind & heart that would satisfy you anyhow.
And that assumes SHE knows why.
And that she'd tell you AND that it would be an accurate and lasting description -
but things like emotions change often.
My biggest regret in the whole DB and H/MLC ordeal is how much frickin time I wasted on trying to understand the incomprehensible.
All the "why? How can he? What does it mean? How does HE feel? What is HE thinking/planning/doing??? HIM HIM HIM....blah blah blah!!
when instead, I could have GAL and taken care of my kids and our futures
that much faster.
I wasn't fully present for them or my work when I was obsessing about h's motivations which I STILL don't think HE could explain now.
Even though it's not a tactic to get h back,
in my case I believe detachment helped him wake up some, but I KNOW it sure didn't slow it down.
So the best thing you can do for YOU and or for your M
is to GAL and stop focussing on her....at all...
Detach. READ up on it and DETACH...you won't be "giving up".
The more you pursue and obsess about her now
the more you push her away and the longer it will take for her solo journey to end.
I can't promise you where she'll land when it's over
but I know that your questions are only forcing her to explain and defend and cement her choices more...
stop doing that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tbh, 25 told me this before, and it only sank in a little while back.
Yes, some sort if understanding is good, but you have no control over w, let her and life find the way, difficult I know, I had to keep telling myself outloud, STOP OBSESSING, IT'S NOT HELPING YOU
And I did, I still read stuff about MLC, but that's just me, I enjoy learning new things, BUT now this is second to GAL, the kids, friends/family and changing.
Difficult I know, but you must do it
The way forward is you first
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Thanks TG, 25 & Gal man. You have all made some good points and I appreciate it very much. It is hard to stop obsessing about this and her. I just feel so useless and empty without her. The more this goes on the more real it becomes and the more I worry about what's to come - settlement, divorce, her being with another man....... I am finding it so hard to detach. I found an article on the livestrong site, but I find it so hard to put it into practice. When I look at my life now and what it's become, it makes me so sad and makes me want to contact my W. It's so hard when I am the only single person from all my friends and they are all married, having kids and I have nothing. My social life is almost naught nowadays. My W and I did everything together - hence I miss her so much. She says she misses parts of us, but it's only nostalgia, whereas I sit in our house and look at photos of us - how do I detach from that?
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
