Hello all, especially the more experienced souls on this board. I need advice. My sitch is that my wife will we leaving me on october 26 to start a new job in ohio, 600 miles away. We have been sep for 90 days but living in the same house. I dont want rehash the whole story of my sitch, (you can find it in my initial posts). She has been very clear that she wants a divorce, we are very amicable, we talk every few days about the subject, we have begun to divide finances, property etc. She said the other night that she loves me, carres for me, that I am a good man, but she does not want to be with me, for a number of valid reasons. I have been doing 189's GALING, validating etc, and have done a decent job on this, with some backslides. The whole discussin on when and who should file for thed is rather murky. It will certainly not be done by the time she leaves, and she will be staying on my Gov helath ins plan until such times as she finds gainful employment. Quesitin is should a push the issue of D, or just let it drop until she indicates she really wants it? We had a good marriage, Any and all advice is welocome thanks very much
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Unfortunately, I haven't read your sitch. My advice, and take it with a grain of salt, is to let her go to Ohio. Maybe the distance and separation will make her miss you. I don't know how long you want to wait for her or what not, but you need to take care of you right now. Contact an L and see what her moving to Ohio would do if SHE filed from there (don't even know if she can).
Gunny please stick to one thread, or at the very least add a link on the first post of your new one.
It's hard to give GOOD advice with an incomplete picture. You should just post this question on your old thread.
For now I'll put in a quick response. Embrace the separation, it will be hard, but take it as a chance to make yourself better, and overdrive GAL. Most folks let their spouse initiate all contact, unless mandatory. This is your chance to show her you don't need her. By staying mysterious she migh realize how much SHE misses you.
Somebody post the 31 things you STOP doing in a sitch like this.
It helped me and is continuing to help. I know one of the top things is STOP all R talk. Validating is good but when R comes up for discussion stop unless she initiates.
M 38 W 50 S 9, D 6 T 12 M 10 W's 1st EA 4/2007 stopped after confront W's 2nd EA 6/2010 Separated 7/2010 I bomb dropped 7/2010 MC 2/2011 - 3/2011 W bomb dropped 4/2011 Nothing filed or done
Gunny, I am responding to your post in this new thread. Try and stick to one thread it makes it easier to follow.
Why push the divorce? Do you want the D? Seems a little counterintuitive to me for you to be posting here if you do. Actions speak louder than words. In this thread you tell her you don’t want the D then post about pushing it. If this is a tactic stop. Pursue this action only if this is what you want. IMO you’ll likely get it.
Time is usually your friend. Time for you to show your 180s are real. Time for you to build confidence and project it. Time for you to heal enough to deal with the chaos.
Quote:
I have been working very hard to keep things friendly, I told her a couple of times that no matter what happens, I will always be there for her and will be her friend.
It is important to keep interaction friendly. It is also important to project confidence calmly, to appear strong, to be the man she would be foolish to leave. IMO Telling her no matter what you’ll always be there waiting does not accomplish this. IMO she should see, see not hear about what she is leaving behind. See that it is better than what she is going to.
Six weeks is not much time. I do not think she will believe what she sees in that length of time. So if it helps go read Navy’s journey starting with the first thread. Of the posters on this board that I am familiar with his fits your request for one that has a LDR while DB’ing. Here is a link to get started. Settle in http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...500#Post2122500
Keep posting. Why “Gunny”
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Here are the 37 Rules. I copied from one of Sandi's posts. I think this is what mac meant.
Here ya go:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
hello js, Thank you for the good advice. I definately do not want the d, we have been m 11 years, t 13. no kids. By her own admission, we had a good m, although the closer we get to her leaving, the more negatives she finds about it.W and my mother butt heads, and my m comes up every year from florida to visit, usually for 4-5 weeks. W has told me over the years when my m visits she shuts down emotionally. This year, right before my m visited she dropped the bomb. W has had major issues from childhood, abuse by stepfather, father m 3 times, mother twice, mother is alchohic etc. These issues have often reared thrier ugly head in our marriage, in different ways. For my part, I came from a family where affection was discouraged, not much touching,etc. Married her when I was forty after a 20 year career in the Corps. The bottom line in our marriage was that at one time she loved mer dearly, but over the years her love for me slowly diminsihed, until this june something popped and she told me she wanted a d, not a sep, but a d. As far as I knew, we were doing fine, we had gone to MC in january of this year after 7 sessions, w said that we had made progress , that we were good , and that she believed in us. In reading many of the posts on this board, I see that she definatley exhibits many if not all of the attributes of a MLC, change in hair styles, change in language, wearing and buying loads of jewelry, saying she is 45 and not 60, (alluding to our lifestyle being boring)listening to old music from the 80/s, reestablishing contact with old friends in ohio where she went to school Recently she has been engaged in an EA possibly PA with an old flame of hers from when she was 16, he lives in ohio and she will be seeing him when she moves there in 6 weeks. Bottom line, our marriage was a good solid marriage, with many of the issues attached to m these days, lack of affection on my part, taking it for granted on both of our parts, resentments built up over the years that were never addressed, our mc said that she had a tendency to stuff her feelings, thus, I was truly unaware of her unhappiness, so here I am in my sitch, sorry to be so long, but wanted to give details to help others here. Thansk again for all your feedback and help. Sorry for the posting on different sites, i will stick to this one, thanks again.
Gunny
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
definately do not want the divorce, but not sure if dragging my feet on the subject will make things worse or better. I am 10% committed to working things out with her, at this time she is adamant about no reconciliation. She is moving to ohio where she has a "connection" with her sister.
Its sad, because everyone
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
