Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

I don't know how to respond to a lot of this stuff - especially the stuff about if I want to talk to her or not. One of my original goals was for her to feel like it was 'safe' to communicate with me again - without me using logic to overwhelm her. That said, is it safe for me?

I'm trying to avoid laying down any hard ultimatums or anything like that at the moment. There's always time for that when I am more settled into myself.

I also want to make sure whatever I say I mean it, am willing to stick by it, and I'm doing it for the best of reasons. this whole 'friends' thing though.. well I don't know. I'm kind of mystified by it and can't help but wonder if there is a secondary agenda to it.

Is it because I've been acting with dignity? Is it because she feels like she has something to prove in maintaining a friendship? Is she eating cake (keep in mind she did see OM again after walking out.. no clue about if she still is, but I tend to assume so)?

More importantly, what the heck does my integrity and well being dictate?

Sometimes I wish that whatever was going on was more on the surface - a little uglier and grittier. I feel like at least things could be more clear.

Feeling pretty burnt out right now -- I have been spending a lot of time writing cover letters and trying to get a job. Too much focus on one thing and my anxiety tends to kick in as life feels too out of balance.

Because I see the employment thing as almost an 'emergency' its a little tough to take my focus off of it, yet because I focus so much I can tell my effectiveness is declining.

Networking seems to be going well, although sometimes I just feel a tremendous sense of ambivalence about what kind of career I want to pursue. Most of the interesting stuff (psychotherapist, architect, LEED consultant, occupational therapist..) seems like it means another few years of school. It could be worth it eventually, but right now I kind of want to find something that gives me enough security and stability so I can pay off the 40K in student loans I already accrued.