Saving the M and caring for a baby

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=dueinMay]Ugh, I jacked up again.

Sunday I was very irritated with H at the grocery store because he kept trying to tell me what to buy, or rather, what not to buy. I had a grocery list from my recipe website to follow and he kept trying to prevent me from buying mayonnaise. Kept saying, “it’s unhealthy, you don’t need it”. I’m so tired of his controlling crap. Especially when he says things about food when I know he’s been mainly eating hot wings, pizza, and ice cream while I’ve been out of the house. I don’t have a problem with his diet, but I do have a problem with him getting onto me for being “unhealthy” when I work my a$$ of running and eating good home cooked meals and he lives like that.

I told him that ¼ cup of mayonnaise will not ruin the health quality of the meal and he should be thankful that I’m making him something (oh yes, he specifically asked me to take him to the grocery store and pick out food to make meals for him, so this excursion wasn’t my idea). He continued to go on about me picking out “unhealthy” food (it was all prescribed food for these low carb recipes and nothing else) and he could sense my frustration, so he finally calmed down.

Then Monday night I make dinner, and he said there wasn’t enough food, I shouldn’t eat as much as he does, and I shouldn’t drink iced tea because it is “unhealthy”. It wasn’t even sweet tea! Oh, and don’t forget I’m running after 6 extremely autistic children all day at work, training for a 5k and nursing. Yet, somehow, I’m supposed to eat less than him.

Then we go to MC. Initially it starts out pretty well. At least we both have the same view of how this all went down, and he admits that this all started when I became pregnant and that he has depression. And then the repressed anger over the past 7 months just comes flooding out. I tell the T that he is a very difficult person to live with and I am an extremely patient person and I am not sure what to do at this point. That I want things to work out, but at this point I’m having a really hard time. I also told her how I felt that he is extremely controlling over lots of things: what I eat, how I eat, how I spend money, how I save money, how the chores are done, etc. He retorted that he does that because he feels like I’m a child that has to be parented. I pointed out to him how I’ve done fine over the past few months without him “monitoring” my every move. I just get angrier and angrier. Eventually the session concludes with the T asking if we want to come again next week. I say, “sure, H?” He says, “I guess I have no choice”.

This just makes me irate. I say, “no, you always have a choice. Man up, and make a f-ing choice and stop blaming me for your BS. Do you want to be here or not?!”

“This is you just trying to control me”

I look at the T and say, “do you see what I’m dealing with?!”

She calls the session at this point and says to call before Saturday to let her know if we plan on returning.

On the car ride home and back at the house we say nothing about the session. We’re pretty pleasant to each other for the remainder of the evening (actually, the only reason this is true on my behalf is because I chose to keep my mouth shut as much as possible). I go to sleep furious and wake up this morning with my jaw as tight as a drum. We argue for another half hour this morning. His argument is still about money and how he doesn’t like my body, or specifically, my arms. Says it feels like we’re putting a “round peg in a square hole”

Eventually after I’ve gone to work I cool down a little and say I’m sorry for being so angry and exploding, but I am terrified and literally have nowhere to live for me and D in 3 weeks. He says he understands. I ask if he’s still mad at me and I never hear back again.

I’m so glad I’m going back to my dad’s tonight. I do not want to be around H right now.

I think I’m going to pick up the book “The Dance with Anger”. It’s specifically geared towards women. At least the T acknowledged that I have a lot to be angry about and did tell H his view on needing to “father” me is ridiculous. I could get more into that, but I’m pressed for time at this moment. But the T did recommend IC for me to “grieve” over the loss of my pregnancy. I am still incredibly resentful for that. I feel like one of the most precious times of my life was stolen from me.

At this point I don’t think I have the time or money for IC. But hopefully this book will get me through until I figure something out.
[/quote


I'm speechless, (which is RARE...) So

WTF?

I still say you're a saint. And if I say anymore, it won't be pro- m.

sorry May

((( )))

[ESN]

Big hugs, May. I'm reading your sitch on the edge of my seat b/c it is so wildly similar to my sitch with exBF. Wow. Incredible. Except I could never keep my mouth shut like you. I exploded each and every time. However, now people say "you're angry" -

Truthfully, he is one of the most insanely frustrating people I know. He will call me controlling all the while telling me what types of paper towels to buy, and how to wash a dish, and why not to give D a certain thing, and how I should pull my car in the driveway, and oh, look at that little bit of "chubbiness" right there - it's like the same person. And it will drive you INSANE. (As it nearly literally did me.) I did not have nearly as much going on as you did - though I was working, nursing, not sleeping, and also pretty disturbed by the hostile hate letters his family was writing me.

But there are so many similar themes here, I just want to reach out to you - even though I might get shot down a little (I was the one who suggested you deal with your anger, but everyone immediately came to your defense).

I just think you work on you, as I have been and you have been. It will make things so much more evident to you (about what you want and expect from H).

I too would make progress and there would be some HUGE bump. I always thought of it as the universe's way of telling me "enough already" - But I'm still here.

Anyway, the mother stuff is very disturbing. My IC told me yesterday basically "You are not going to be in relationship to this man without him seeing you as MOTHER" until he does MAJOR work. (he started ic about 2 weeks ago). And that has been absolutely true for the past two years. My exBF only knew me as a mother - not as a self-employed editor, filmmaker, traveler, volunteer, writing coach, independent, etc. And the mother stuff majorly kicked up issues for him. I won't go into it b/c I know it's not DBing (the ifs, buts, whys, wheres, etc.) But it is so hard to deal with. Everything your saying just reeks of his discomfort around it and your loneliness and anger and feeling that you are taking care of another child.

Don't move back in yet. You guys aren't ready and it sounds like based on your interactions now that things will quickly deteriorate.

I am living in my home with exBF paying the bills (only for a short time longer) and he has an apartment and he RESENTS me for having to pay this. Even though it was his choice to move out, and I don't want to uproot us over his idiotic quest for "freedom" - but whatever. I don't think that set up would make any sense to your H and I think it would only increase his anxiety around and issues with money.

Of course, it makes sense to me. And it seems like a lovely option for you and your daughter to get to return to your home and HE be the one to have to inconvenience himself. IN FACT HE SHOULD STEP UP AND DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE. But that's not the reality right now.

I say, get a place with your sis and be keep doing what you're doing. That is the best option. Albeit maybe not the most convenient.

And don't play victim around him stealing precious time for you and D. I still hurt over that, but I've found ways to really feel so much gratitude toward this opportunity to be a mom to the loveliest little creature on earth that it erases that horrible feeling that it somehow got stolen.

You're doing fantastic. Hang in there, momma.

[ESN]

May, if you can answer something (not on here if you don't want) but if you have time to get real still, put both feet on the ground, breathe ... and then ask yourself, and wait for a response, what do you truly want right now (observe the answer - even if it makes ZERO sense)...

[Eryam]

May-

Doesn't it hurt to hear your H say he doesn't like your body?
That would hurt my feelings so badly. I don't know how you deal with it.

Well, no, and here's why: He's insane.

Because I know I don't look bad, I know that he's using it as virtually my one point of weakness (like I've said previously, too bad he doesn't seem to get I'm presently quite pleased with my appearance), and I know he likes to be in control and this is one of the ways he thinks he can obtain it.

He's wrong.

Again, today, another person commented on how good I look. Screw you, H. You're whack.

I am sure to piece this M back together you need to fix the underlying problems and really can't tolerate your H controlling you, and honestly, insulting you? These things come to a head at a time like this, and need to be dealt with in a time like this. It can't be hidden, ignored or bottled up anymore.

Agreed, 100%. I believe in DR it says that it's best not to strike while the iron is hot. I kept my mouth shut for a VERY long time. I don't tolerate BS (that's what makes me a really good behaviorist for my students/patients), so biting my tongue on this has been a major test of wills for me. And it's not about blowing up per se, it's just about not calling the shots as I see them. I don't beat around the bush. I felt like we were getting to a point in our R where he could finally face the music and hear what needed to come to him.

Regardless if you really are or not, these insults towards your weight, not liking your body, as a size 4 woman who just had a baby.... has got to come from somewhere else! HE needs to deal with where that is coming from. Possibly instead of blowing up it needs to be addressed in MC? In my mind there is no excuse for treating your wife like that.

Oh yes, totally and completely inappropriate. Inappropriate for him to be so insulting and absolutely not tolerable behavior in front of my D. What the hell kind of man says that to his wife? Not a good example of what D should expect out of a husband in life. And yes, it was my bad for blowing up (and honestly, surprised the hell out of me too...), but I think the blow up was just his over the top bratty behavior the previous 24 hours. Combine that with the pain from the previous 7 months I've had to push to the side to function on a day to day basis and it just came oozing out. I most definitely plan on addressing those issues in MC. I've been waiting for this moment just for that very reason.

Devil's advocate..... in his mind, does he try to control you because he thinks your controlling him? (not saying you are, but do think that is in his mindset based on his comment in MC?)Perhaps he has nothing to dig at, so he chooses something like your weight, which obviously isn't even a real issue, but you sure could drive a post partum woman nuts with that one....

I think that's a fair assessment. I think he is the ultimate controller and when he is lost and I offer up my opinion, he sees it as a threat and then projects his need for control onto me. I think he's realized the only thing he's "got" on me is a slight insecurity with my weight (again, not at the present time) and that he makes more money than me so he exploits the hell out of it.

I just want to reach out to you - even though I might get shot down a little (I was the one who suggested you deal with your anger, but everyone immediately came to your defense).

I really appreciate the support, Lila. And yes, while I think I have anger, I don't think I would classify myself as an "angry person". I'm hoping this book I picked up will help until I figure out what to do about IC. Truly though, I think I wouldn't have blown up quite so bad in the session if he hadn't been particularly d!ckish in the previous 24 hours.

There is this strange phenomenon in therapy that happens when a patient knows they are about to be discharged (whether it's because they're doing well enough not to need treatment anymore, or because their benefits have run out or whatever). All of the sudden, despite the fact that they may have been doing well and were ready to end treatment, the patient will start having MAJOR issues again. It could be that they started getting into fights with their family members, or they suddenly don't want to go to work anymore, or maybe it's that they start doing really weird things to the therapist like showing up late to session when they've always been very prompt or doing a bunch of no-shows when they're usually really reliable.

I feel like H may be doing this.

I think he realized things were going well... really well... and now that we had to start doing the real heavy lifting (the MC work), he's going to regress and act like a child. All of the sudden those ridiculous irrational beliefs that were beginning to be buried reared their ugly heads again. I think doing the actual work for this M scares the hell out of him and is overwhelming, and rather than address it like an adult, he'll throw a temper tantrum.

When patients do it, most of the time it's unconsciously. I would not doubt this is true for H as well. It's a way of manipulating and controlling a scary situation. I don't think he's doing it to purposefully push me away, but that certainly doesn't make it acceptable behavior.

Don't move back in yet. You guys aren't ready and it sounds like based on your interactions now that things will quickly deteriorate.

Oh, HELL to the NO, I'm not moving back in yet. I even said to the T last night, "at this point, I feel like I am the one not ready to move back in". And I'm not. No, no, no. If there is any chance for our M to survive, I should absolutely 100% not be in that house with him.

Sister said today not to worry about me getting out of Dad's house for her. She said that she is much more flexible than I am and can crash on couches or whatever until she figures something out.

In the meantime, I'll just drive. Because I think you're right, he will become EVEN MORE RESENTFUL if he has to pay me money for me to live in my own place. Ridiculous, but we all know it's true. I've thought about going to a L, giving them the numbers and saying "so if this were to happen, what kind of child support would we be talking about here?" I don't want H to see it as a threat, but at the same time, I really don't think he gets it. He seems to think that because he currently pays for all of our "fixed" bills that he would get off scott free because I don't contribute financially to say, the mortgage, the phone bill, the insurance, etc. But I do pay for utilities, groceries, child care, child supplies and anything that would go wrong with the house (like a 10k AC replacement that I'm still paying off). If that were the case, how would SAHM ever get child support?

At this point, when I break down all my monthly expenses, I cannot afford rent unless it were less than 400 a month. And considering I need 2 bedrooms at minimum, that ain't gonna happen.

So either way, I'm pretty screwed financially at this point. I can crunch the numbers a few more times and see if I can trim the fat somewhere, but I live pretty frugally as it is. H says it's ridiculous I make 45k and can't live on my own.

Oh, I'm sorry, I decided to buy a new SUV and have a baby based on a JOINT INCOME. You better bet your a$$ I would not have made those decisions on my own salary. And then yes, I would be able to afford my own place. And not just some efficiency apt either.

WTF?

Yes ma'am. WTF, indeed.

Pretty sure I just need to turn my phone off for a few days.

Oh, yes, because lo and behold, this afternoon, H calls me wanting some career advice. Wanted to know what I thought of this new position being offered to him.

What's that? You want my opinion? I thought I was some heinous, controlling B. Why on earth would you want my input when you don't want anyone, lease of all ME, telling you what to do?

I just said, "I don't know what your priorities are. Until you figure that out there's nothing more I can offer you at this juncture".

Yup, turning off the phone.

[ESN]

Turn off that phone!

[25yearsmlc]

if it's any comfort May, and it may not be much, but my h at one point said "w, but you sahm for 6 years (part time), AND left the partnership track," which h saw as a loss to HIM, not a sacrifice of mine...and therefore, he asked, "why should [he] "keep supporing that"? To which I said, "H, after a marriage of 25+ years, supporting you through TWO medical degrees PLUS crazy ass training residency hours and raising these 3 kids I popped out WHILE doing that thing called law school[i][i], the law seems to think I contributed. ..[/i]" [\ Frankly, I WANTED h to see a L so he could get some reality therapy...sheesh. , IT must have helped motivate him. That & seeing me feeling pretty empowered... MAY, No one can explain the way your h acted while married to you for years, and then the SUDDEN DRAMATIC changes during your pregnancy. I haven't seen it ANYWHERE else, so it's very hard to assess and advise. BUT I do know crappy, unfair comments when I see them....and so do you. No one here will judge any choice you make. Your h HAS made a lot of progress. Maybe he's falling back one step and next week will take 3 forward... I sure hope so, May (((( ))))

[Eryam]

OMG, I'm so tired.

Turn off the phone? Who was I kidding.

I don't beat around the bush, remember? I'm not someone to keep my anger inside. I usually don't let it blow all over the place either, but I usually will say something if it irks me (and really, I'm pretty laid back, so this is fairly rare).

Last night I called H and told him I was pissed and wanted to talk. So he was fine with it.

Long story short, we came to no conclusions about anything. We both were just angry and bull-headed and got nothing accomplished.

Oh, except I got less than 5 hours of sleep and earned myself a migraine today. Sweet.

I hadn't cried that much about my situation in a long time. I cried for hours last night. I tried to go to sleep, but it just kept eating me up, which is why I called H.

I know that I am usually a person who once the air is cleared, I feel a lot better. I guess I don't feel better given that nothing was really cleared.

I'm not condoning H's behavior on Sunday and Monday. BUT... big but... I certainly have said my fair share of mean things to him too (I specifically recall telling him that he would not be missed if he decided to kill himself.... I don't recall exactly what preceeded this statement, I just know I made it).

I did tell him I was very upset that he has never apologized to me for stealing away my pregnancy. I told him that money can be repaid, but that time in my life is gone. You can't repay time. To which he replied I've stolen the past few years from him with my financial negligence.

He just doesn't get it. And I've told him before I don't expect him to get it. I cannot think of another way to express to a man what being pregnant means. I just cannot think of something else similar in a man's life that would explain the magnitude of the situation.

Eventually he did apologize, but it felt insincere seeing as I had to ask for it. Maybe he really meant it. I don't know.

Any suggestions for getting us out of the past? He's super hell bent on things that happened in the past... like, we're talking YEARS ago. Things that until recently he never revealed he was resentful about.

He's got a problem with letting go. I think we all do to some degree. But I remember that for the longest time he was extremely jealous of this guy I dated when I was 14.

Yeah, you read that right. 14.

We eventually went on to become really good friends, and H never could get comfortable with that idea. Only just in the past year has he been ok with it, and I'm thinking that's only because he started to be apathetic about our relationship.

I think it was CS who put something on someone else's thread about "trust = time + consistency" or something like that (really clear, huh). He still thinks I'm going to make the same financial mistakes that I made when I was literally 19 and 20 years old. But given his rigidity in this situation, how long do you think it will take for him to actually acknowledge the changes? I know it's only been 8 months, but I feel like I've made some pretty remarkable changes (specifically ones he wanted).

I eat well. I exercise. I'm under my pre-pregnancy size and weight. I've saved over 11k. All my bills are paid on time and usually more than than minimum. I've never asked him for a dime to help with the baby, both for supplies and child care. I dress more feminine. I cook and clean up well after I'm done. I go out with my friends and have fun. And for the most part, I keep my anger with him in check, despite the clincially crazy/personality-disorder-like behavior.

I always said we were perfect compliments to each other because in areas where one of us was weak, the other was strong. I never realized how crippling that was for each other.

At this point in time, he is mentally ill. I have to be strong for both of us.

I married him in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. Under the current deep level of horsesh!t, there is the sweet man I married.

I know he's still there because I see that man when he is with our D. He's a wonderful daddy. Too bad he is currently a crappy H.

[25yearsmlc]

May,

Even in his crazy MLC land, he knows there's a big difference between "stealing life financially" and your pregnancy. He knows at some level and feels like a jerk for comparing the two. IN fact merely comparing them is offensive but anyhow...

YES There are ways of letting go of the past, and different approaches work for different people, obviously. (Just think of the PTSD veterans and know that MOST do let go and most do become happy healthy folks again. We're not all nutty forever).

I can't post much now though. I'll just say this one example of learning to go "from this day forward" (interesting that that phrase is in so many vows...?? hmmm)


Anyhow, a few months before h was scheduled to leave for the Last Frontier, and "Goldrush Alaska", etc.... he had a conference in Palm Springs he wanted d's and I to attend (they were then 17 & 7) with him.

That was too whack for me b/c after all, he was to leave 8 weeks later, as far as I was concerned, the m was over. He'd never come back and I"d never join him and ALL THAT JAZZ...

I didn't want to "reward" him or make him think all was well and it seemed impossibly awkward and fake for me to try and go and have fun.

But my db coach pointed out that this would be a last vacation for d's and as a family (Son at colllege) it'd be nice for the youngest espeicially to recall life with daddy as being not all bad and fighting.

But how?

So, I decided since it was only 4 days, I could shelve my pain and anger at h and be positive.

& I MEAN Positive! Like instead of seeing him as a nerdy guy monopolzing conversations, I decided to see him as a man who is so bright and informative that the girls were learning a lot from him on our hike. I enjoyed his singing and the way he can spot wildlife from a mile away,even in a desert.

I refused to see him negatively for those4 days, which meant I had to LET GO of all my pain and hurts, and there were so many accumulated...

So I reminded myself that I could always "resume" my anger later, and that actually made it possible for me to shelve it, just for those 4 days.

at first I had to interrupt my negative patterns and remind myself to not whine or criticisize or even think bad thoughts...but it got a little easier after a full day of 24 hours together.

THe 2nd day H began to change. He relaxed and laughed more and complimented me... I Believe we simply began to like each other again.

The girls had a blast and I KNOW the memory is a treasured one.
Seeing them laughing and learning and all riding horses together...I began to wonder how sure I was that

I would toss it all...

and I felt love for h, and pride in who we were raising as young women.

When the 4 days were over I did go to "pick up" my anger but I didn't want all of it. Too heavy,

compared to what I had just been enjoying b/c what had been going on was, really a glimpse of what forgiveness looks like.

And I liked the lightness I felt. So I only picked up a piece of the old anger...and eventually that had to be dropped too.

Just didn't make sense anymore to carry it around.

And btw, I don't believe ANY couples are capable of seeing their past the same.

Witnesses to accidents don't see objective events the same, how can involved parties see their history and r's the same?

Pointless to try. IMO..[i].focus on "from this day forward" and agree on THAT.
[/i]
((( )))

[♪CS♪]

May, I don't have much time but I did read your update.

You can't fight fire with fire May.

He says mean things. So you say mean things back. This just won't help. So why?

You then defended yourself here for the stupid things he says. But at the same time say he is insane.

Well. Would you care so much if a mentally handicapped person said it to you? How about a child? You can't take what he says so personally right now. I know it's hard. But try to laugh it off. Maybe say "you're crazy" but nothing else. Get out of the habit of having to prove yourself right. It's useless. Angers you. Angers him.

Take a step back when you are angry. He wasn't even there, and you called him KNOWING you were angry. Just not a good idea. True for any R.

I know this [censored]. Because he is acting like a jerk. But win, lose or draw, being a jerk back won't help you, or your M.

I see you so close. I want a win so bad!

[ESN]

May,

You may have to accept that he will never see you or hear you on the pregnancy thing.

You may have to accept that he's a man who holds on to tiny misgivings from the past and that affects his energy - his ability to be fully present - his love.

Yes, his love.

Whenever we're stuck in "lack" we're stuck in "poor me" and not love. Not a place of giving.

That's where he is.

Like CS said, the anger is pointless - it's only hurting you.

Take it from me.