Can a marriage survive two affairs?

[Accuray]

Mustworknow,

My W had an EA that I have been hell-bent on figuring out -- why did it happen, how do I reconcile, and how do I prevent it from happening again.

Here's what I've learned in brief:

All relationships start with an "in love" phase. This phase chemically alters your brain and makes you feel very good. You feel that your lover can do no wrong, you don't see their faults, and you bask in their attention. This is the attraction of an affair. This "in love" phase never lasts, it cannot, in a marriage or an affair. It is predictable that this will last from several months up to two years, but virtually never longer than that, eventually reality sets in. At that point, your lover's flaws become visible and important, and what never used to bother you now does.

If you were living with the illusion that the in-love feelings should last forever, then you become disillusioned and believe you have fallen out of love, and start looking for that in-love feeling somewhere else. You can physically and emotionally feel withdrawal from not having this feeling anymore, and that withdrawal can last from weeks to months. Until your H goes through this withdrawal from the A, you will not make much headway in terms of true reconciliation. This is what GAL and giving space are all about. While your H is going through withdrawal, you are taking the time to make yourself more attractive as a partner, without applying pressure to the relationship. The key learning here is that the end of the "in love" feelings are normal and predictable. No one is going to supply that feeling for your H forever, neither you or an OW -- your husband needs to come to terms with that.

What happens then is that love becomes a decision, and becomes work. You both need to decide the work is worth it for the sake of your marriage. Your H may not be there yet, so you need to do all the work yourself initially to give him a glimpse of how good things can be, then perhaps he will be motivated to do the work too. You need to figure out what your spouse needs to feel loved, and you need to supply it, whether it comes naturally to you or not. This doesn't mean you should be a doormat, this doesn't mean you should be subserviant. It simply means that your spouse has needs that need to be met in order to *feel* loved. If your spouse feels loved, they will love you back, and you create and foster a positive cycle.

If you do not love your spouse the way THEY want to be loved, they will not feel loved, will withdraw, and will not supply you with what you need, which starts a negative cycle -- you will both withdraw and feel hurt, and will manifest that hurt by complaining, or straying, or arguing, or any number of other negative behaviors. The bottom line to most of this is "I don't feel loved, you're letting me down by not giving me the love I need the way I need it."

The mistake most people make is that they try to give their spouse what they need themselves. i.e. if you need compliments to feel loved, you will compliment your spouse, and be frustrated that he does not respond or compliment you back. You need to figure out what he needs to feel loved. For some people it's compliments and affirmation of your love, for some it's physical touching, for some it's doing things for them, and for some it's spending quality time, etc. If you do the wrong thing, no matter how good your intentions, your spouse will not respond the way you want.

If you figure it out, your spouse will feel loved, will not be tempted to stray, and will be motivated to supply you with what you need.

These themes are repeated in virtually any relationship book you pick up, and I've read a bunch of them.

WRT MC, in my experience the main point of it is to get you communicating in a healthy way. If you have trouble talking to each other and being heard and understood, MC can be very good. A lot of people have this problem. MC may also help each of you figure out what you need from the other, and how to ask for it. The downside of MC is if the counselor is not solution-oriented, they can tend to look for and focus on problems. Focusing on problems makes them gain importance, and can have you leaving feeling worse than if you had focused on the positive, and all the things you do well together and the strong points in your marriage.

I'm not a pro, but that's the bottom-line on what I've found, and it does make a lot of sense to me. You can change your marriage by changing yourself, and your approach to your spouse. If you change, your spouse MUST change in reaction, and you start a positive cycle that feeds itself.

Affairs are hugely painful (my W's EA has been brutal for me). The interesting thing is, however, that they're not about you, and they're not a reflection on you. They are about your partner feeling unloved, and going out to satisfy that need in an inappropriate, unacceptable way. You can't stop them from doing that again if their needs remain unsatisfied.

That goes to everyone's advice on this thread about identifying the root cause. Why does your husband feel unloved? What can be done to fix that? What can he do for you to make you feel loved? How can you ask each other for what you need? Those are the hard questions, and fixing that is the hard work, but that's what's needed to prevent the affairs from continuing to happen.

--Accuray