DD. When I read your thread, it occurred to me that you are doing something I did for a long while. I see you trying to include him in the parenting and conversations even when you know he is not the same person and that he wants to be away. It occurs to me that you consider yourself still married (you are, but that's legal). But you are not really married are you? H doesn't seem to think so or at least act like it.
Can I make a suggestion? What you may lack her is not the courage. Not the idea. But you may lack the permission to let go of what you thought you had. Of what he promised but later took back.
What you can do is to finish the grieving process and realize that you have to now leave him. I know that sounds silly since he left you and the family and obviously likes having that connection to you in some perverted way (control?). But unless and until you give yourself permission to leave and to let go, you will potentially be stuck like this until he remarries.
Does it matter if you file for the divorce at this point? To anyone other than you? Does it help you if you don't?
Does it matter if you do not give yourself permission to leave him? What happens if you do give yourself that permission?
In the end, you were worth it. You hung on. H left. Those are the facts and it is what it is. [censored], but there you have it.
Now, what are you doing to explore your life and see what is really out there that life has to offer? You have made other changes, but what about exploring other options to see what you want to be? What you want to be known for?
Permission from yourself to forgive yourself. Permission to let him go and be happy as he knows it.
Fear? I don't know that I would describe it that way. Guilt. Misplaced guilt at that....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
