I don't beat around the bush, remember? I'm not someone to keep my anger inside. I usually don't let it blow all over the place either, but I usually will say something if it irks me (and really, I'm pretty laid back, so this is fairly rare).
Last night I called H and told him I was pissed and wanted to talk. So he was fine with it.
Long story short, we came to no conclusions about anything. We both were just angry and bull-headed and got nothing accomplished.
Oh, except I got less than 5 hours of sleep and earned myself a migraine today. Sweet.
I hadn't cried that much about my situation in a long time. I cried for hours last night. I tried to go to sleep, but it just kept eating me up, which is why I called H.
I know that I am usually a person who once the air is cleared, I feel a lot better. I guess I don't feel better given that nothing was really cleared.
I'm not condoning H's behavior on Sunday and Monday. BUT... big but... I certainly have said my fair share of mean things to him too (I specifically recall telling him that he would not be missed if he decided to kill himself.... I don't recall exactly what preceeded this statement, I just know I made it).
I did tell him I was very upset that he has never apologized to me for stealing away my pregnancy. I told him that money can be repaid, but that time in my life is gone. You can't repay time. To which he replied I've stolen the past few years from him with my financial negligence.
He just doesn't get it. And I've told him before I don't expect him to get it. I cannot think of another way to express to a man what being pregnant means. I just cannot think of something else similar in a man's life that would explain the magnitude of the situation.
Eventually he did apologize, but it felt insincere seeing as I had to ask for it. Maybe he really meant it. I don't know.
Any suggestions for getting us out of the past? He's super hell bent on things that happened in the past... like, we're talking YEARS ago. Things that until recently he never revealed he was resentful about.
He's got a problem with letting go. I think we all do to some degree. But I remember that for the longest time he was extremely jealous of this guy I dated when I was 14.
Yeah, you read that right. 14.
We eventually went on to become really good friends, and H never could get comfortable with that idea. Only just in the past year has he been ok with it, and I'm thinking that's only because he started to be apathetic about our relationship.
I think it was CS who put something on someone else's thread about "trust = time + consistency" or something like that (really clear, huh). He still thinks I'm going to make the same financial mistakes that I made when I was literally 19 and 20 years old. But given his rigidity in this situation, how long do you think it will take for him to actually acknowledge the changes? I know it's only been 8 months, but I feel like I've made some pretty remarkable changes (specifically ones he wanted).
I eat well. I exercise. I'm under my pre-pregnancy size and weight. I've saved over 11k. All my bills are paid on time and usually more than than minimum. I've never asked him for a dime to help with the baby, both for supplies and child care. I dress more feminine. I cook and clean up well after I'm done. I go out with my friends and have fun. And for the most part, I keep my anger with him in check, despite the clincially crazy/personality-disorder-like behavior.
I always said we were perfect compliments to each other because in areas where one of us was weak, the other was strong. I never realized how crippling that was for each other.
At this point in time, he is mentally ill. I have to be strong for both of us.
I married him in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. Under the current deep level of horsesh!t, there is the sweet man I married.
I know he's still there because I see that man when he is with our D. He's a wonderful daddy. Too bad he is currently a crappy H.
