I unfriended him on FB last week, but am still friends with some of his friends. Well, a little while ago, his friend posted that he and H were at a local pub. He can go drink after work, but he can't come see his kids?! Fuming right now.
Having a pretty good day. Met with IC this morning. That went okay. He thinks I just need to continue no contact(unless it involves kids or finances), but I already knew that.
I haven't had any contact with H at all today. His mom did call me though. She said she's "working on him". I don't know what she's saying or doing, but I hope she isn't doing more harm than good.
I took the boys to the library today and got S4 his first library card. He was sooo excited about that! We got a couple of the "Captain Underpants" books. Looking forward to starting one tonight. Spent a lot of time this afternoon just playing outside. We all had fun.
Ran into my neighbor while we were out playing. She asked if there is anything she can do, and I immediately asked her to babysit for me sometime in the near future. With H steering clear of me (and the boys because of me), I have ZERO time for myself. I need to get out of this house and do something for me.
This weekend, national parks are fee-free, so I think the boys and I will go take advantage. I've never been to the one right down the road from us, and I think it'll be fun.
H still hasn't responded to my email regarding finances. If he's so eager to move on, why is he putting it off? I kind of wish he'd hurry so I can start making plans of my own. I hate feeling like I'm relying on him. Next week, I have appointments with a couple of attorneys. I just want to get an idea of what my rights are/would be. My IC thinks that after the interviews, I need to matter of factly tell H about it. IC seems to think it might be an eye opener for H. What do y'all think?
Hang in there. You take care of you and your kids. That is what is important right now. Keep posting and people will start involving themselves in your threads.
GM, mis-texting stinks. I really wonder if it's something they do on purpose - maybe subconsciously. I'm a little worried about it being a PA too, but I'll probably never know. And truth is, I don't think I want to know. The thought of any version of A makes my stomach churn. His sister has thankfully stopped pushing, but I wish his mom would just back off. She's always been a meddler though.
Despite not being FB friends with him, I have been occasionally checking out his not-so-private profile. I clicked over a little while ago and saw where some girl posted on his wall. It said, "I want another ride on that motercycle!!! and lets go FAST!!! " a) learn how to spell and b) quit flirting with a married man! I know I shouldn't have looked, but dang it! How do you all have the will power to not snoop?
D1 has had a cold for a couple of weeks, and I think he's getting a sinus infection. His snot is green and there's a little blood. I texted H to tell him I was taking D1 to the doctor in the morning. He texted back "why" then called me before I even had a few letters typed out. After telling him what was going on, he started telling me about how sick he has been the last couple of days (stomach bug). I told him that I'm sorry he's sick and having to work while not feeling well. The nurturing side of me wanted to ask if he was staying hydrated, but I stopped myself. He was the first to say he had to go.
D4 hasn't initiated a phone call with H since Monday. It is really becoming obvious what H is doing to the relationship he has with S4. I even prodded him a little, asking him when was the last time he talked to dad. He said he didn't know and didn't want to talk to him. He said he's not mad, he just doesn't want to talk. I feel so bad for him because I know he must be feeling rejected.
Just read your thread here. A few things stand out to me:
1) You are a strong, intelligent, and caring woman. You will be fine no matter what the outcome of this is.
2) Your thought processes are very clear and rational. That alone will take you far in DB'ing. You are also correct that it is wrong for your H to be hurting your kids like he is.
3) You will have many ups and downs throughout this process. Possibly look into getting some AD medications...they will help take the edge off the lows and help temper your reactions to the highs.
4) Your sitch is similar to mine in a few ways: you are a military couple, you are SAHM that has put your life on hold to raise take care of your kids, and you and your H have had some major communication issues for a long time. The obvious difference is that in your sitch, your H is "done", whereas my W was the one that was "done". In that sense, I'm not exactly sure that my sitch directly correlates to yours, but it seems both our M's have a lot of the same underlying issues that created the distance in our M's.
So, that being said, here's what I'd suggest at this point:
Other than DR, I think the most helpful book for me was "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus". It really helped me see how things got to where they were, and the things I could do differently to be a better and more supportive husband.
Continue to stand up for your kids and make sure your H knows they need him and that they love him. Someday, he will realize you were right and were doing him a huge favor by doing this.
It sounds like your H has some major issues that need to be dealt with. Do not try to force or even encourage him to do so. Having his sister talk to him is a perfect example of how this will blow up in your face. He has to figure that out for himself....and you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that will take awhile. I'm sure you've seen on here and in DR the "one month per year of marriage" timeline. Well, it was almost dead on for me. Based on that, you've got a solid 9-10 months of DB'ing ahead of you if you want this to work out.
Good luck. I wish you all the best, and I'll try to check back from time to time.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
I don't know if you have sent it yet or not, but I'm not sure about the letter you posted. While it does contain some good points that need to be discussed, it also has a tone of willingness to make this D quick and painless for him. He needs to know that you will not actively resist D, but you also will not help. He's probably not as eager to get this done as he's trying to make you believe he is....watch his actions, not his words. Related to this is unfriending him on FB. While it will help you preserve your sanity, he could see it as a step you took toward ending your relationship. You don't want him to see any of those.
The other thing, which you probably know is that your S4 is confused right now. If you can get your H to establish some sort of routine with him, it would help him a lot.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Crap, crap, crap!!! I have got to get control of my emotions!
So, the whole "H not seeing/talking to the kids thing" really started getting to me. I called him and asked him if he could make more of an effort to spend time with the boys. He started throwing around excuses and I stupidly brought up the fact that he went out the other night instead of coming to see the boys. He started getting really mad. I told him that I just didn't want to see their relationship go to crap (but I used the not-so-nice term). He said he'd talk to me later and hung up. I texted him that there was no need to get angry with me; that I was just trying to help his relationship with the boys (mainly S4). He said he was mad at my use of the not-so-nice term. I apologized to him and explained that I just want him and the boys to have a better relationship than he and his father & my father and me (neither of them were around when we were kids). He hasn't responded.
I see that he probably wasn't really angry with my use of that word. It was probably his guilt manifesting as anger. It usually is. How do I always let him get to me like he does? It seems we're better at fighting than we ever have been at loving.
Navy, thanks for your reply. I'll respond in a bit.
Navy, after what you said about FB, I told him that I would send him a friend request later. I asked him to just consider accepting, if for no other reason than to keep up-to-date with what's going on with the boys. I just went to his profile to re-friend him and guess what... he deleted the comment that girl posted about going for a ride on his bike. I'm trying to figure out what this means. Ideas anyone?
and lets go FAST!!! 