Compassion for a MLCer

[broken5150]

"I don't really care about the 'why's' or 'how come's'...they are important only in so much that they aid in figuring out what to change."

Aid in figuring out what to change in the MLC'ers side or ours?

How did you make it, Jack? What was the key thing that helped you out?

I really apologize if Im being nosy, Jack. Its getting darker for me and to be honest, Im holding on by a thread. Should I really believe that she doesnt love me anymore? That 20 years is thrown away in a time frame of 10 months?

Ive been looking for a thread that tells the story from an MLCers point of view.

Dang, this is getting to be a tad frustrating. Lol, and Ive only been dealing with it a little under a year.

[Drew]

Broken,

Aid in figuring out what to change in the MLC'ers side or ours?

The sooner you realize that you can't make anyone else change .....

How did you make it, Jack?

How did any of us make it?

One day at time. One hour at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.

Should I really believe that she doesnt love me anymore?

Right now? Maybe. In the future? Who knows?

That 20 years is thrown away in a time frame of 10 months?

Probably longer than 10 months in the eyes of the MLC'er.

Ive been looking for a thread that tells the story from an MLCers point of view.

Everyone's story is different. Yet similar.

Live yours.

[Mach1]

Aid in figuring out what to change in the MLC'ers side or ours?

I can tell you, that if you are changing ONLY in the hopes that she will see your changes and come running back....

You might have better luck, trying to nail Jello to a tree....

The key with MLC....Is to expect nothing , yet prepare for everything...

To expect nothing except the un-expected..

To rely on nothing , except her being un-reliable..

To expect nothing from her at all...

To change the things that you want to change, because YOU want to change them...

To see beyond the box that contains all of your emotions, when dealing with an MLCer..

Finding out who you really are , underneath all of the years of being in a certain role for so long, that you forgot who you are...

Unwrap the "husband" , and find the man behind all of that.

You doing the things you need for you, because that is the only person that you can control ( or change).

YOU are a single parent right now....period.

Expect ZERO help from her on parenting right now...this is up to you....

Nobody said MLC is easy Broken....

And if you think YOU have it hard ???

Try walking in their shoes for a while....


How are YOUR goals coming along ?

[broken5150]

Hi Mach,

My goals are coming along. Spending lots of time at church with my worship team and in men’s group. Trying to get in better shape and save up to get my place.

My hopes aren’t so much in her returning. I’ve just about accepted that she’s NEVER coming back. And, I think I’m reaching the point that I don’t want her to. I just want for her to realize one day the hell she has put me through.

And about being in their shoes … According to her, she’s never been happier. That’s why Im confused. However, when I see her, she has a blank expression in her face and she walks like she’s constantly upset about something. She pushes my buttons and when I react, she goes crying to her friends about what an a$$hole I am.

Yes, I know! Don’t REACT!

And she’s getting REALLY thin! I mean, back in the day, she used to weight close to 350 lbs.

Lately, she’s been real pushy about me taking the kids more often since OM came into the picture.

The OM situation is VERY weird…

According to my son, he always shows up with some other guy or a group of friends. They play dominoes at the house and OM and his friend are always cooking.

Dude, it’s just plain WEIRD! And I’m really trying to keep my cool when my wife has OM answer her phone.

The Everglades are WAY too close to be pulling stupid stuff like that! LMAO! j/k

[broken5150]

Well,

W called today and asked for paystubs so she can take to her lawyer to file for the D.

I had asked her if she is sure that this is what she wants. She replied “yes”. I then, for one more time asked if she would go to counseling and again, she said no! Her reply was “We we to counseling 12 years ago and it didn’t work”.

She said that the mere sight of me makes her sick and that she can’t hear my voice without getting into a rage. She still insists that OM is just a friend but, if she wanted him for something more than that, its none of my business.

She also wants me to go to HER lawyers office to sign papers for some type of agreement. LOL! YEAH RIGHT!

Why doesn’t she just have me served?

I knew once OM was in the picture, she was going to try to file. Then again, she’s been playing this card for almost a year! The same threat, the same ole line!

I remember at the beginning of this separation, she told me that it was just temporary and that eventually, we would re-new our vows but she “needed time to find herself, it was not me it was her”. She also made a comment about her not being well. When I tried to touch her then, she moved away like a had disease.

Through the year, she had been cycling back and forth that she wants me, then she doesn’t want me. There was also a time that she denied saying or texting all the nasty things she said. When I DID show her the texts, she replied with “Oh, want I meant to say was…”

She texted one time and said “ Move on with your life, find another woman”.

She denied that she texted it. I then showed it to her and said “ Oh I meant, get your life situated, but not with another woman”.

I mean REALLY???

Any input anyone?

[Drew]

Let her spin.

Easy to say.

Hard to live.

But a lot of us here have done it.

Be strong.

[Albuquerque]

Broken,

You are doing what is perfectly understandable. Trying to UNDERSTAND it all. Trying to make SENSE of it all. The MLC-er is lost in a fog of despair, confusion, depression etc. THEY don't know what the hell they're doing. They are just as confused as you are. So trying to make sense of it will only make YOU as crazy as they are. Not a good thing. I've had many conversations with my H about his fog (which he's not completely out of). They are in enormous pain and despair but always try to put up a front that they are having fun.

You are getting good advice here. Don't react. Don't try to understand. Don't fret about the mixed messages. That's all normal for MLC. You can't understand crazy. You can't make her understand that SHE'S crazy. Stop doing it. Just let it flow over you and expect nonsense. Otherwise, you come off as antagonistic. No one wants to be with someone who is constantly trying to prove them wrong. Concentrate on yourself. Make yourself better. That's the only way you will come out of this a winner.

[Mach1]

5150....( I hate the name Broken)

Damm man....you signed up for the whole package didn't you ?

I have said this before, to a lot of people here....

Think of her anger this way....

Anger is the fuel for her desire to do what she thinks she needs to do in her life, to find happiness...

That anger...think of it this way...

When the space shuttle takes off for a mission....they have these booster tanks filled with extra fuel, because they burn so much in the process....

What you are seeing...is what she has stored in her booster tanks..

And she needs to use that fuel (anger) so that she can push away from you and everything that what once was....

This will happen any time there is a major decision on anything that involves you....get used to that.

Is it real ?

To her it is..

You have to understand, that whatever was the truth, and whatever was real....will be magnified tenfold in order for her to use it against you...

Stand strong for yourself, and don't get wrapped up into the vortex of what HER reality is....

That is why it is important to find what is real for yourself.

So that you know the difference...

IF...you can handle the things that are coming your way right now...She will eventually, slow down the anger to a reasonable level....

It takes less fuel (anger) to cruise, than it does to take off...

I would also recommend that you read up on Projection from an MLCer....

There seems to be A LOT of that from her.....

Is it normal ???

Well, that certainly depends on what ones version of "normal" is .....

You tell me, if it seems normal....

[broken5150]

Albuquerque,

Thanks for replying. I can never hear the name “Albuquerque” and not think of Bugs Bunny. Lol.


To be honest, Im emotionally fatigued trying to understand what is going on so I think Im reaching the point of acceptance.
When she mentioned the D today, I was like “ whatever, just get it over with already”.

Like I have posted before, she looks like she is having the time of her life. I admit that sometimes I do see her pretending to be happy and I think to myself, well maybe this isn’t MLC. Maybe this is what she wanted. But when I remember our past and our good times, her reaction now to our M just doesn’t match. Even before the accident last October, she had told me that her and I are destined to be together forever. Now look at us…

Sometimes, I question our situation and ask myself is this really an MLC? At the beginning of this whole mess, I told a fellow church member about what was going on. I had asked him because he went through something similar. He then referred me to a chapter of a book called “How to Survive Your Wife’s MLC” by Christine Schapp. Needless to say, she matched every single symptom to a tee except for the affair-which I did have a gut feeling about it, but never confirmed it.

I believe the affair come to light now because God knew I wasn’t ready to handle that bomb back then. He has trained me for a year to deal with it..

The reason I believe that its an MLC, is because, in my opinion, if it were truly ME that were the problem, she would of divorced me and gotten rid of the “poor excuse for a human being” from her life and be happy. But she’s living the careless life of a teenager. She takes advantage of EVERY opportunity to put me through the grinder. She is wearing these REDICULOUS hair extensions that cost her $300 a month to maintain. She has a brand new Dodge Durango, dresses like a teenybopper and her language, demeanor and lifestyle is comedic from a certain point of view.

She is displaying text book NARCISSM!

So, one of her complaints about me was that I like playing allot of xbox in my man-cave. Guess what her young OM is doing when he goes to the house? HE’S PLAYING XBOX ALL DAY! LMAO!

Oh and another hint of MLC was when I picked up W and kids and took them to the movies, we had lunch before and she was ordering hard liquor at 12 pm in the afternoon. SHE ALMOST NEVER DRANK!

So guys, please, if there is a possibility that this ISNT an MLC, please let me know your input.


@ Mach1

About 5150, man, its Van Halen. DON’T HATE THE HALEN! LOL

Well, it makes sense that everything is amplified during MLC because she always WAS kind of selfish and insecure. And she said something today that was VERY much like her. “In our marriage, I did EVERYTHING RIGHT! I never did ANYTHING WRONG! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND YOUR DOING! AND I PUT UP WITH YOUR HELL FOR 20 YEARS! I REMEMBER THE DAY OF OUR PROM IN 1990…..BLAH BLAH BLAH!”

You know what they say… You cant take a drunk to an AA meeting if he doesn’t think he’s a drunk!

Oh, I would like to share with you guys a comment she made to me yesterday….

“My life is better than ever! I’m and educated person and you have nothing but a HS diploma! I’m living like a VIP, B!TCH! PEOPLE HOLD MY HAND WHEN I GET OUT OF MY DURANGO!”

I had to mute my phone and drop dead from the laughter. Lol! But, she REALLY knows it kills me when she tells me that the kids are always asking for OM and that they love him.

So, IF the D is actually really coming this time, once its done, I don’t really think I’ll remain standing. I’ll leave it in the hands of God. I believe that I will always love W with everything that I am. And IF and when she snaps out of it, I won’t turn my back on her. However, if I’m in a good R, I’m not leaving it for her.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

2 things for me in determining my wife's MLC.

1 - confusion on her part. No clear direction, as much as she said one thing, she would show another.

2 - This was not the woman I married and knew. She was a polar opposite.