Then grenade 1 Out of the blue W say's "you said that if either one of us started seeing someone it would be the final nail, is it?" (W has been seeing someone for a couple of months now)
I responded astoundingly "is that a question"
W then changed the subject, and I let it go
W then started to talk about work, health etc, but I calmly stated that it didn't want to discuss these things and to only concentrate on the finances etc.
W then went back to the issue of the kids, and again I explained my case, and said I don't know how many more times I can say the same thing (which has been said in text, email, verbally and in my solicitors letter) that I was always happy with the previous arrangements, only wanted S12's child benefit, would not take W to CSA for maintenance, or file for full custody.
W said she thought I would take her to the cleaners over the kids as they clearly want to spend the majority of the time with me, she thought I would apply for full custody, go for both benefits and claim maintenance. I AGAIN stated this is not what I want, and that morally to me is not right, that I didn't care what others say, that I am doing what feels right to me in keeping with my morals and beliefs what is right, and that it was just wrong and that I want W to see the kids and just wouldn't do that.
Then grenade 2 W said she expected me to react differently (this is what I had been told right at the beginning from her Friends) and has noticed how much I have changed!
I said I loved the new me, and the kids see this, and maybe one reason why they like being here more.
Move general discussion, where I kept pulling it back to financial settlement as she kept on about why the kids didn't want to be with her so much, and looking for me to provide the answers. Said, why are you the great F'ing dad, you were away a lot when u were building your career, I was the one staying home with the kids, why why why etc. I said you sound very bitter about that and I don't know why, we build everything together, that how we worked it, W say I am!!!!
Then grenade 3
W - I am so angry and bitter over all this
Me - I understand, I'm sorry you feel that way. You said in your text you despised the ground I walk on
W - No I don't, I didn't mean that, I was just angry and things I have done in the last few weeks has been due to this
More general chat
Then grenade 4
W - Who is x
Me - ????
Me - just a friend
W - Well who is she, where do you know her from
Me - Work, I have known her years, she is just a friend who has split up with her H and we talk about things
W - Well where does she work, how long have you known her, how do you know her
Me - She is just a friend, I'm not getting into this discussion
W - Well does she work at x, or at y, where do you know her from
W - Well be honest with me, I don't want the kids having loads of different "aunties"
Me - I am not getting into this discussion sorry
WTF
Then W says can we meet up to discuss my decision on the finances, I say no need to as we can do that via email, W says she hoped we could do it in person and wanted to be friends.
So that was the meeting, and clearly why I need to distance myself again, for me, as no matter how cool and calm I was, together with being very centred on what I wanted to discuss, I feel W is in a very strange place, even though, as you would expect, she portrays something completely different, but hey, could be wrong....
More of the last weeks coms coming soon LOL
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Not going to post the recent coms, but there has been a lot of them.
After W told me of OM, I tried to remain dark, very dark, which is what I needed to do for me, and "was" working, but again after meeting her, and W throwing the usual ??? grenades into convo, I need to get back on track.
Since meeting we have had loads of email coms, and as most contained anger and bitterness from W, even though my "responses", not reactions were kind, considerate strong and confident, so I requested that she only contact me through my Solicitor. But hey as posted before, and as most say here, our WAS hear nothing of what we say!! W saw her solicitor on Monday morning, and then subsequently emailed me to tell me I would be expecting another letter, and then went off on one about the remainder of her stuff in the house. Again, seems like antagonistic venom spuing to me, so I have not replied.
The kids are still with me 10 out of 14 days, and they love the time with me, I love it too, tbh it makes me feel great and that I am a great dad, and that the kids see me as the grounded one. W continues to destroy her relationship with the kids IMHO, as last Thur W told D14 that she wished she had the balls to leave me sooner and that I controlled her (again as usual WAS, trying to justify her choice to herself and others) D14 said she didn't like that and that W tries to make her feel guilty over her choice to stay with me more. D14 also said her mum is so selfish and that everything continues to be about her. 14 year olds (esp girls) seem so mature at times, and I am very proud that D has found her own opinions and beliefs, and sticks to them. (very proud dad here!!!!!)
D14 also said that she would understand if I filed for D, although thinks her mum is pathetic for doing it so soon!
W is lost in herself IMHO, typical MLC, spray tan, new hairdo throwing herself into work, OM, deleting oldest friend (who she called sister) off fb the list goes on. Her coms to me have become angry, bitter and antagonistic, and not just about the kids now. I feel this is due to how I have been, i.e.. not bitter, angry, reactive etc, she cannot "bait" me and doesn't like it (W has admitted she expected me to be different!!), but you know what.........
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
I have processed everything which has happened, thoughts are still with me most of the time, but it doesn't affect me.
DB principles are for me, to better myself, and they IMHO are working, not finished by a long way, but I am well into the journey!
I am no different to others here, feeling anger, frustration, victim mentality at times, and I accept this as is natural, what I choose to do with these feelings is MY choice, and I choose to just process them and let them be, but I don't not act on them, before all this - likely different if I am completely honest
I said something like this yesterday to my friend.
I can forgive W for the separation, as something needed to happen in our R, and I fully understand, that is why I am not bitter or resentful, W thought she worked on the M, but she only did with limited tools, so again, I cannot hold that against her.
Biggest thing I have learnt - is what Agape (unconditional love) actually means (I was explaining this to D14 last week, as she asked if I still loved her mum), to me, the realisation is that, yes I love my wife unconditionally, however this doesn't mean that I necessarily want to be with her.
As stated right at the beginning, and it's still the same, head and heart are not in sync here!
The 180's, or changes in myself are great, I love the new me (and the positive side benefit is that the kids see it, ohh, plus W has commented many times) and there have been quite a few.
I think one of the most positive changes is how I interact with the kids, I was a good dad, but now I fell a great dad.
Books read since bomb (which have all helped)
DB DR [edited by dbmod: reference not recommended nor allowed] 5 love languages
GAL activities are still good
I have 4 nights without the kids, and they get taken up nicely (this week, coffee with friend (female) then to other friends tonight, Thur curry and beer with a dif friend, Fri poker night with the lads, sat night out on the town)
Kids GAL, we still do shopping, Starbucks, bowling, cooking, pizza night with boardgames etc, we went to a theme park a couple of weeks back, and have just booked a weekend break at a holiday camp for Halloween weekend)
Last edited by dbmod; 12/31/1110:21 PM.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Saw MIL/FIL on the weekend, I called them as D14 said she hadn't seen them for a while, they invited us over for a cup of tea. We stayed about an hour, didn't talk about W much at all, I was very positive, happy and messing about with the kids.
One thing was strange though, FIL asked if I was going to start seeing anyone, which I replied, no I don't need propping up, am strong enough on my own, and I am still learning about myself. Should have said no, I'm still married, but that only came to me afterwards LOL.
I found this strange as they are very old school, with strong opinions etc, W's old friend thinks this was a W enquiry through FIL. ohh and they still haven't been around to W's flat!!!
When we left they said keep in touch and don't be a stranger, which was nice.
W has verbally agreed to the settlement figure I put to her, just hoping now that she has confirmed this through her solicitor, I just want to get on with my life now.
Door is closed, but not locked!
Don't rain but it pours.......
Got home from work yesterday to find a valve broken on the pipe to the h/w talk for the central heating, thus had water through the ceiling, so engineer called who should be out today, then the shower head holder broke when I was in the shower!!!!!!
Please "him upstairs" give us a break, PLEASE
I am trying to better myself, honest, LOL
Got to laugh, otherwise, well you know............
These things are all hear to teach us
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Nobody can tell me kids are not affected by D!!!!!!!
No, no one can. I read "The Unexpected Consequences of Divorce." Eye opening, sober and very sad.
What's even sadder is the WAS doesn't give a cr*ap about the damage they do to their own kids.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
