I'm not sure this if this is even the right place. Maybe not, but at least it will be a way to vent.
We are not married. We have been together for 3 years. Not love struck teenagers with whimsical fancies. We're adults, each married before for more than 10 years. The mutual love we have comes from the way we feel toward each other, our ability to communicate, shared interests and views .... I have never been so entirely in love with someone. She feels the same. She is not from our world, she is from a far off place where culture rules the mind.
Our growing relationship must have triggered a fear mechanism in her parents. They descended upon her with a campaign of control that is nothing short of abuse. Her mom arrived and planted herself into her home for months. Accusations laden with guilt, statements of disgrace tainted with racism and bigotry. Then when all else was failing, several heart attacks that resulted in same day release from the ER.
Still she stood strong. Determined to be with me. She told them as much. She was scheduled to visit that far away place after which we would move in and build our lives together.
Her visit was complete torture. She endured it every minute for 2 weeks. But held to her conviction. On the way to the airport for home, there was another heart attack. Another trip to the ER. Broken and defeated she made a promise. I don't dare ask the details. More likely sexual slavery with a man they will chose and babies served up special for grandma.
I was notified by email. "Forgive me, forget me. There is no hope." She will return soon to her job. I know she is torn, I still get emails, instant messages, and once a phone call. No more "I love you" though.
So what do I do. Continue to pull on my end, or walk away. Which will be a monumental feat. We work in close proximity and are bound to cross paths. It will be like trying to cut off an arm.
Sorry you find yourself here but you are in the right place. I'm new to this myself but first get the DR book and read it. Cultural issues are though but not hopeless so read the book and post often until you are no longer in moderation. Others with more experience will give you great advice. Hang in there.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
This is a tough one because it sounds like neither one of you wish to be apart from one another, it's more her family not wanting her to be with a man outside of her culture.
You could read DR and see if you can apply some of the principle's to your situation, but honestly I don't think your relationship is the problem.
I am sure the vets will be able to offer you some sound advice. I'm so sorry your dealing with this.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
May I ask, what are the ethnicities/nationalities/religions involved?
I had a friend who was African American, he married a Japanese woman who was here working as nurse. Her parents disowned her (lots of racism against blacks in Japan at that time) but they came around a couple of years later when their beautiful grandchildren were born.
Is ethnicity the ONLY problem? Or does her mom object to her being with a guy who is older, or who doesn't want kids, or something like that?
It warms my heart to see all of these responses. I really didn't expect any.
Rick, I have read all of Michele's books in a failed attempt to save a previous marriage. I'm not a quitter, and never would have believed it, but in hindsight I'm glade I didn't succeed.
Del, our feelings are very mutual. She is completely torn.
Lucky, sadly so. From experience, the people here will most likely not succeed (the odds are against you) but because you are here you will grow and learn. Your lives will be fuller when the pain subsides.
kml, Asian/American. The general belief is, Asian woman + American man = slut. Not my interpretation, an actual statement. The age gap is about the same as her previous marriage. Not having children is her choice, I am okay either way.
I just don't know what is the right thing to do. I have the strength to move on, but I don't want to. In her heart, I know she wants to be together. Should I continue to let her know I'm not giving up. Or leave her alone and see what happens.
Second message yesterday. :I don't want you to think about me. I am not worth it. You deserve better"
Suddenly I think, maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe only I thought this was all worth having. Maybe she's the one that doesn't think I am worth it. If she did, I wouldn't even be here. :-(
Guess I will just start using this space as a journal. It's the first time so much time has gone by without contact. I'm just trying to let go. So difficult to do. Went to a ballgame with some family. The train ride was like hell. My stomach was in a knot. People conversing in loud tones made my head want to explode. Family kept trying to engage me in conversation but I just don't care about whats going on in mid East, who will be the next president, if it rains all freaking year.... just longed to be alone. Sleep is the on;y good feeling. Getting way too much of it though. Trying to get through the grief stage. Not sure what to do about the anger stage, can I skip that one?
This is the part of the trip that makes you wonder why you ever get in the car to start with.
When I started this thread I mentioned uncertainty about being in the right place. I still don't know if I am. She used to be respond to my emails. They have stopped. I know she has returned but is not making contact. I've made some decisions I will try to adhere to: 1) I can not control anyone but myself, so I will stop trying to 2) Sending email/making contact, in an attempt to convince her, isn't working. At most it upsets. So I will stop. 3) My home is littered with memories. Closets filled with cloths, personal effects. Bathroom littered with cosmetics. I will pack them into boxes and store them out of sight. 4) I will stop waiting for her to magically appear. Begin to heel and move on.
"When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we find a short period of tranquility. But dead dreams rot within us and effect our entire being. We become cruel to those around us, and then to ourselves.... And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breath..." - Paulo
Sometimes I confuse my dreams with those of others. I will make it through the pain and find what I am searching for.
