My thread was over 10 pages, so I started a new one. I copied my last post and pasted here.
Had a wonderfully relaxing weekend
STBXH has let me go (at least for the weekend). no contact until this morning when he finally realized that he owes me money. He brought the $ over this morning and took the girls to school. no coffee ;)I was in my bathroom getting ready so only saw him for just a moment and it was friendly but nothing more. I left for work early so that we didn't have to "hang out". He was staying to lift weights in the basement (he did ASK me first which was nice, and I thanked him for asking.)
I can't tell you the relief. peace. I also have a feeling of gratitude towards him that he is doing what I asked. It is so much easier to detach when the person you are detaching from is also detaching. Last week I suggested that he should be alone for a while. away from her. away from me. He didn't comment, but maybe he is trying? At least with me which is better than nothing.
Yesterday, D13 and I sat down and she took the 5 love languages test for teenagers and so did I. Her top 2 were words of affermation and qualilty time - I thought they would be words of affermation and gifts! we discussed this...my top LL for my Ds is Acts of Service. This is what D13 said to me:
That is totally not fair mom! I have to DO STUFF for you to say that I love you and all you have to do is SAY I LOVE YOU?!!!! no way, I change my test! my LL is gifts!
ROFLMAO!! teenagers. yikes.
Caught up on my sleep this weekend - took really long naps during the day both Saturday and Sunday. So nice. Just turned my mind blank for a while. I don't like to be depressed, my IC says that I naturally fight it which is good. So I decided enough was enough. I can stop feeling sorry for myself now. Stop getting angry because "people don't understand me" (wow, pretty pathetic). And just be.
Work is stressful right now, lots of projects coming to an end. Still need to raise a bunch of money Are any of you a secret millionaire and looking for a good cause to donate? let me know! lol!
No movement on the house. We are going to have to drop the price. We have to sell!!
I hope everyone has a great week Thank you all again for helping me stay on track and finish this thing out.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
TAMF - I read the 5 love languages book 3 times in one week a few months back. It seems so darn easy doesn't it? Common sense prevails except in our lives I suppose. My W hasn't/won't read the book and I'm not suggesting anything to her that would give her reason to think that I'm trying to fix her. But I am curious of her test results.
I speculate Quality time judging by the questions and what I know of her. What stinks is that that's the one thing that is hardest for me to earn. Kind of hard to spend quality time together if she can't stand being around me......
I had a tie between Quality Time and Physical Touch. Definitely two tings I've been without for a very long time now.
I have read and reread everyone's posts to me. I have also looked around on other posts for 25yearsmlc advice. I have gone into the piecing threads (even though I am far from piecing, I just wanted to see what they were doing and how they were handling thier sitches. I read this...
25yearsmlc quote: the situation reverses itself often. We've posted/discussed that a lot. Whereby the LBSer starts to feel like the WASer b/c the WAS turns around to return or at least seriously probes, but oops, we LBSers got dealt a lousy hand awhile back. So we played our lousy hand as best we could, and sometimes we GAL, and managed to find some balance and it's really hard to give that up so we can go back to crazy land.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^and that is how I feel right now^^^^^^^^^^
I really do love my life and I am happy. I have a better relationship – as friends – with H than most of the couples that are piecing right now. So I am totally okay with moving on with my life as is, and being friends with H. I know we would be okay.
But then I look at what I just wrote and I see the tragedy of it all. How can two people who loved each other so much for so long that even during the very worst of times can continue with a wonderful friendship – NOT MAKE IT WORK?
I also realized that when I went out and GAL – I lost my patience. I was unhappy with limbo land. And I don’t want to be unhappy.
Last night H text me that he was sad that I didn’t say goodbye to him yesterday morning when he was at the house and I left for work.
I apologized for not saying goodbye. It wasn’t on purpose.
He text that he tried to leave me alone this past weekend because he knew how much he was upsetting me. I thanked him.
He replied with: I am sooo confused!
M: I feel like a weeble wobble back and forth. ˝ of me holds onto u forever the other ˝ is done. I get so angry when u tell me over and over that u r breaking up but never do. But I realize that I add to your confusion! One minute I will do anything to get u back and the next minute I am done with u. Weeble wobble. I am sorry.
H: Don’t be sorry. I am pathetic.
M: Well let’s see…I beg and plead and cry for you to give us a chance…then I go out and get a life without you because I have to…so when your fog starts to clear suddenly I don’t need u anymore and I am happy without you. That has to be hard.
H: Yeah
M: for that I’m sorry, and for everything else I’m sorry too. Not listening, working too much, controlling. I did my best to love you tho.
H: I have sooo much love in my heart for you.
But even though he says this to me, he lives with his girlfriend and tells her that he loves her too.
So sad.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
if lives with OW still, he's not a WAS coming home...he's a prober & a cake eater, who wants to know that he's lost nothing, though he's cost you a personal fortune.
Until if and when he REALLY moves towards you, don't let THIS type of behavior and words confuse you. HIs actions are not confusing.
Good luck, find AND KEEP that balance.
Be happy. Shut the door on him while he's with OW.
If he comes knocking on your door, you don't have to have it locked. But you must stop looking over your shoulder at someone who is, by action,
with OW.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
if lives with OW still, he's not a WAS coming home...he's a prober & a cake eater, who wants to know that he's lost nothing, though he's cost you a personal fortune.
Until if and when he REALLY moves towards you, don't let THIS type of behavior and words confuse you. HIs actions are not confusing.
Good luck, find AND KEEP that balance.
Be happy. Shut the door on him while he's with OW.
If he comes knocking on your door, you don't have to have it locked. But you must stop looking over your shoulder at someone who is, by action,
with OW.
((( )))
You are so right. I must find the strength to detach from his words, because as of this moment his actions are directed at his girlfriend.
when I detach I am happy and at peace. H doesn't occupy head space. Someone else does and that is my problem too. But I am working on it. Day by day. I can do it :-)
Work is so stressful and frustrating right now that thinking about my sitch actually is a mental break - how messed up is that!!!!!!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I would also agree with 25 on this. I'm new to the forums, but I've been living in the spotlight of my wife's MLC for over a year now. From your text's above it looks like he's playing victim and you sound a bit encouraging by apologizing for what he's done to you and your D.
He chose to leave/step out of the relationship and not work on it with you so I fail to see why you should have to apologize for anything. You apologizing seems like it makes him feel better about what he'd done and that you still desire him.
Seems a bit silly saying that seeing as how I may not hold any hostility/grief towards my wife anymore, but I do see a future together. Maybe I'm in denial because I'm not hopeful as much as I am sure of this. I guess I kind of see my sitch as preparing the both of us for when both kids are out of the house. I'm learning how to be a partner and she's learning how to cope with accepting growing older. It's the acceptance part that gives me the confidence that we'll be together in the end.
I would agree your situation is confusing since actions speak louder than words, but the loudest action I see the most is that he still lives with OW. TAMF - I don't think you owe anyone an apology.
Thank you Sadak - the fact is though, that we all share a part in the demise of our M. It took a long time for me to understand that and accept it. Doesn't mean for one second that I deserve what has happened to me. But I do know that I had my problems that contributed.
I struggle between being done/detaching/divorce full speed ahead vs. standing/facing my H/dealing
I can't seem to stand/face and deal without being roped back into his craziness. My top 2 love languages are Physical touch and words of affermation! nice right. I am a sucker for the words.
so then i go back to being done, finished. because that is the only way for me to detach completely and not let his words affect me.
Therein lies my problem. I seem to be fighting the "all or nothing" scenario. I just haven't figured it out. cause I just get to the point where enough is enough.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
TAMF - It's not easy to understand what we're saying until we see someone's reply, so with that I offer you some clarification in my humble defense....
I agree 100% with you that we all share some responsibility of where our relationships have gone. I'm just as guilty as anyone. The massive amounts of pressure to succeed in a new job and the anxiety I got from various close calls, almost losing my job more than once. I ignored my wife's needs because I was working so hard for all of us and I neglected everyone including myself. I was uptight and my mood was quick to sour ( I'm not guilty of name calling or physical anger ). My wife gave me clues over the years and doing all the reading about MLC that I've done in the last 3 months alone is connecting all of the dots. I feel like a fool for being so selfish. I could not have prevented her from this harsh MLC reality, but I don't think she would be so angry/resentful of me as she is today.
I know now that my wife was destined to go through this. I love her very much and since about 36, she's been paranoid of getting older and us still being in debt and not fulfilling her/our dreams. It hurts to my core that I feel like I have failed, but at the same time I feel stronger for the road that I am on now. I have better direction and organization. I needed her to go through MLC for me to wake up and be an adult. I may dislike this experience greatly, but I needed it so I work hard to learn from it.
As for apologizing, I've stopped. I'm done looking at the past. I already apologized for being a poophead or whatever she see's me as. I took responsibility already and I'm done. The past is the past and the more I apologize for me I continue to remind her of why she's angry with me and all it does is reinforce her resolve against me. My goal these days is to be who I am today and take each day as it comes. It's all about where I want to be in life and not where I was. I feel like if she's ever going to move forward, she has to address the past, accept it, move on and stop dwelling on it.
TAMF, I'm new here, but if you're anything like the rest of us, you've already apologized enough. Quite a bit as we all have. Sure an MLC spouse may only hear/remember 50% of what we say, but do you really want to keep driving home into his mind that you're sorry? You're already offering him options - darn fine options if you ask me, but he's still living with the OW.
I have not gone back to your beginning threads and read your story about what got you here, but from what I have read so far I don't see where you left the relationship/family. I don't see where you need to apologize anymore. You've turned your words into actions/options, but what's he done for you? I hope that doesn't sound cold. I'm not frustrated or angry, just contemplating and concerned.
Sadak - u r so right. I have said my sorrys enough! I have been feeling bad lately because my own actions and words were not matching up. I am trying to stay centered right now and it isn't easy. I get so confused on my own feelings these days...standing not standing. It isn't easy when u get to this crossroads! I feel like I am going crazy.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
when I detach I am happy and at peace. H doesn't occupy head space. Someone else does and that is my problem too. But I am working on it.
That is a big problem for you but at least you are starting to recognize it. If you can't NOT think about H when you are alone, you are not ready for a real relationship with anyone, including H. That means that you do not feel "whole" unless you are with someone. You need to get to the point where you know you'll be OK, ALONE. I think you realize you'd be OK without H because you'd be able to find someone else. And while that's all well and good, you need to work on the alone part some more.
That being said, he will always occupy some part of your mind since he is the father of your children and was such a big part of your life. So I'm not saying thinking about him at all is unhealthy. That' simply unrealistic. Hopefully you get what I'm trying to say here.
((((TAMF))))
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
