E - thanks so much for the update. Oddly enough, if you can get through this, this has the potential of being the best thing that could've happened in your M.
It does seem to be very commonplace for the OP to be a serious downgrade in an A. Without question, this rings true with the OW . I just hope she stays out of the picture entirely.
This is definitely a very long hard road, but I really like your chances now that the air has been cleared. I think your H is putting forth a sincere effort, but he has a serious uphill battle to earn your trust. I am pulling for you!
Oddly enough, if you can get through this, this has the potential of being the best thing that could've happened in your M.
I know I've read that in more than one of my lovely infidelity books but I would have preferred MC, or something equally less traumatic to do the trick, because I can't get the image of my H with batch!t crazy out of my head. And I have a very developed imagination. Perfect.
Originally Posted By: jbnati
It does seem to be very commonplace for the OP to be a serious downgrade in an A. Without question, this rings true with the OW . I just hope she stays out of the picture entirely.
Yes, I'm not sure how good it should make me feel to come out ahead of that wingnut though.
And yes, so far she's been quiet for the past few days. Although, H was getting hang-ups from a blocked number on his office line about 4 days ago so he texted her (He showed me the text) and said that if it was her hanging up after he picked up, to stop calling him immediately because he did not want to hear from her EVER again in any way. The hang-ups stopped. Shocking.
Even in my teen years and early 20's, I never resorted to such nonsense with other boys or my H (and we broke up a lot) so I can't even imagine a woman in her late 30's to early 40's doing this kind of thing.
Originally Posted By: jbnati
I think your H is putting forth a sincere effort, but he has a serious uphill battle to earn your trust. I am pulling for you!
Thanks, jb. H definitely sounds more like the man I used to know many years ago. But honestly I'm so shell-shocked, I keep expecting him to bomb me again. I told him that, and he said he's more worried I'm going to bomb him now.
E, I haven't posted much on your situation but I have been reading everything. I admire you for staying strong through this mess. You are very wise to be wary and cautious right now; your H is saying all of the right things, but now his actions - long-term actions - need to prove he is doing the right thing.
It's good to keep him a little off-balance regarding your R; you've got the control now, and I know you will use that control in the best way possible for yourself and your R with your H.
I salute you and hug you at the same time.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Hi, E! It is good to hear from you. First of all, happy belated birthday to your son! I hope he had a grand time celebrating his special day. I'm also glad to hear your daughter is coming around little by little. Yes, expressing anger is better than slipping into the dark pit of depression. No doubt she is watching your every move right now, and she will learn a very important lesson at a young age about forgiveness and grace. She's blessed to have you as her mom.
Reading your post brought back a lot of painful memories for me, and it makes me very sad for you. I will promise you this...the day will come when you sleep well again, when you are hungry again and are able to eat without feeling sick, when you feel happy and really smile and laugh again. The day will even come when you don't think about ow and the stupid A several times throughout the day. So, while my advice may not be worth much, take this from me, Been There, Done That lc4, with certainty....the sun will shine again.
By the way....the things you wrote about your H's ow remind me so very much of my H's ow . Not attractive (just plain), not a great body, not respected in the community or a great mom or a great anything (other than a pain in my rear). It is known that she is on anti-psychotic meds, has SERIOUS anger issues and is just plain MEAN. But like your H said, it isn't about any of those things. She said the right things at the right time to H, making him feel "loved" and "special." In their Fantasy Land of no bills, not having to juggle kids, not having to live together, no morning breath and bad hair days and PMS, no extended family pressures, etc. she was always perfect. The thing is, Fantasy Land goes bye-bye real quick when reality comes crashing down. Sounds like your H got a good dose of reality. I just hate that you and the kids had to be hurt in the process.
You are on the right path, and I commend you for that. Remember to put the R books down from time to time and read something that you just enjoy or watch a funny movie (my therapist's advice). Give yourself breaks from trying to understand the why's and what now's. Do your best to keep an open mind and a soft heart; things will happen as they are supposed to in time (says the woman who has no patience ). We are here for you, and I'm always in your corner!
I'm glad you are doing ok Endeavor. I give you props for maintaining your composure and not stooping to this woman's level.
Thanks, DG. I can't say I haven't been tempted to send her a scathing email but it's beneath me and I won't give in to my dark side. But her claiming this all "wasn't fair to her" after knowing how she upset our kids still makes me very angry.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
E, I haven't posted much on your situation but I have been reading everything. I admire you for staying strong through this mess. You are very wise to be wary and cautious right now; your H is saying all of the right things, but now his actions - long-term actions - need to prove he is doing the right thing.
It's good to keep him a little off-balance regarding your R; you've got the control now, and I know you will use that control in the best way possible for yourself and your R with your H.
I salute you and hug you at the same time.
Thank-you for your kind words, Telemark. I agree with you on keeping H a little off balance and not being to eager to R. I'm treading very carefully because I'd be a fool to believe everything he is saying without giving it due time. Trust but verify.
Reading your post brought back a lot of painful memories for me, and it makes me very sad for you. I will promise you this...the day will come when you sleep well again, when you are hungry again and are able to eat without feeling sick, when you feel happy and really smile and laugh again. The day will even come when you don't think about ow and the stupid A several times throughout the day. So, while my advice may not be worth much, take this from me, Been There, Done That lc4, with certainty....the sun will shine again.
This is exactly what I need to hear because last week it seemed like the pain was going to last forever. What a difference a week makes...
I'm actually eating again (and it will be 3 weeks tomorrow), which is fine because if I lose more than 10lbs, my face looks too angular. I can't say I'm sleeping all that well yet though, and I've had to take Gravol a few times to get to sleep. (I read online that it can help with occasional insomnia but I'm being careful not to take it every night).
But yes, still thinking about the stupid A every single day, far too often, and crazy pathetic ow too. Luckily, I'm pretty good at controlling my emotions so no one would know during the day that I'm in some kind of emotional hell. At night when I'm in bed is when I find that it hits me the most but it's not tears, it's the overwhelming anxiety that keeps me awake. Overall, I'm think I'm functioning really well during the day now because my daytime anxiety has dissipated. I'm actually surprising myself...
Originally Posted By: lc4
She said the right things at the right time to H, making him feel "loved" and "special." In their Fantasy Land of no bills, not having to juggle kids, not having to live together, no morning breath and bad hair days and PMS, no extended family pressures, etc. she was always perfect. The thing is, Fantasy Land goes bye-bye real quick when reality comes crashing down.
Well, the thing that puzzles me is that ow was going through cancer treatments at the beginning of the year so I don't know how much of a Fantasy Land escape it all was...I mean the woman was receiving chemo and radiation, yet she kept on conducting an affair? You would think getting cancer would cause her to reflect on her life, and her choices but no, she was still threatening my H and begging him to abandon his family for her. My H said some of the A wasn't very fun. (Poor baby. ) He did admit he felt sorry for her.
Originally Posted By: lc4
Sounds like your H got a good dose of reality. I just hate that you and the kids had to be hurt in the process.
Yes, he definitely did got a super sized dose. He said the guilt from this whole mess is with him every single minute of the day. He looks tired and worn down, and is not sleeping very well himself.
Anyway, taking a break from this whole drama is a great idea, lc. We actually watched Bridesmaids the other night and it was nice to laugh again.
Originally Posted By: lc4
Do your best to keep an open mind and a soft heart; things will happen as they are supposed to in time (says the woman who has no patience ).
Oh, I'm trying because honestly patience is not my strongest trait either.
And I keep cycling back to the rage stage and that's when I want to D him but I keep remembering that I should not be making drastic decisions for at least 6 months. H can tell by looking at me when I'm having what he now calls a "rage day" and he's been very understanding. (I find yelling at him when I'm driving into the city helps even though he's not actually in the car with me. I know, I know... )
Anyway, H has been reading about what the betrayed spouse goes through in the weeks after the A is revealed so keeps reassuring me that everything I am feeling is perfectly normal, given the circumstances. He also asks me frequently if I need to talk about the A or if I have any questions and he still apologizes everyday. He also suggested we both go to IC and then MC, but I told him I'm not quite ready to talk to anyone yet. We still have Retrovaille coming up in a little over two weeks so I will wait until after that to look for a C that specializes in infidelity.
H has also shared with me that he's scared I will D him over the A, which is ironic considering he's been threatening me with D since April. It's also interesting to hear the things that snapped him back to reality -- like the letter I agonized over sending back in August at exactly 4 months after the first bomb. Apparently, that letter actually worked. He never say ow again and then spent the next 3 weeks avoiding her, and trying to get her to get sick of waiting so she'd go away...That was my attempt at the LRT.
Anyway, thank-you as always for your advice and thoughts, lc. Love, hugs and prayers to you too. ((()))
I think you are handling things very, very well. I would imagine your roller coaster of emotions that you are feeling are completely normal. You have been through a lot with your H and have a lot resting on your shoulders.
My biggest concern right now is I hope that you are taking care of you. I understand the insomnia, I've been dealing with that for the past 7 months. Thankfully, I've stopped being destructive when it comes to taking things to help me sleep, so just be careful.
I am pulling for the 2 of you to get through this, and no matter what happens I just want you to be happy.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I told him that, and he said he's more worried I'm going to bomb him now. 
). We are here for you, and I'm always in your corner!
) He did admit he felt sorry for her. 