I thought I'd check in. This will probably be jumbled though as I got about 1 1/2 hours of sleep last night because...
The emotional rollercoaster continues. Although, the ride is definitely starting to have less dips, and it's moving a lot slower too.
H and I have been talking things through and sharing a lot of tears, but our conversations also haven't been this honest and open in years. Although, we've both said numerous times during the past 13 days that we'd give anything to go back and erase this horrible portion of our lives.
And I still have moments where I can't believe this is really happening.
That said, I definitely feel H's remorse. He's been expressing it both through his words and his actions thus far. Yet, I'm cautious and probably will be for a long time. And of course, I'm still angry and I'm sure that will take time to dissipate as well.
Now that I look back, I can definitely see the signs of the A that I missed, or simply ignored and discounted because I had turned my attention away from my M. I knew it wasn't working but I was so tired of trying to talk to H, that I eventually just relented and focused on other things in my life.
We both agree that neither of us had been meeting the others needs for years before this happened. However, H has assured me that his choice to have an A regardless, was wrong. Very wrong.
Anyway, I purchased two books on infidelity, "Not Just Friends" which is good, and another one that I don't like at all (it's poorly written). H and I have been reading them together in bed which is strange but he's said he doesn't want me to read them alone. I'm not sure we should be bonding over the books but it is what it is right now. H's account of his feelings and the events, this board and the books - I think everything combined has helped me to process.
(Kalni, like you, I also find Passionate Marriage comforting and have decided to read that before bed now because reading the infidelity books too close to bedtime only leads to sleepless nights).
Yesterday, H and I had to travel by car together for 8 hours to deal with a issue surrounding a business we used to own. Needless to say, we had a lot of time to discuss the details of the A which was somewhat productive in that H gave me more reasons to believe that even if I ended our M today, that he would never ever go back to ow. He's been saying that he was done with her since her call, but I'm slowly starting to believe that there is a lot of truth in that declaration because I really don't get the sense that H has much respect for her.
He claims she was simply a distraction from the pain of our failing M because when he realized that leaving the M meant being free to be in a real R with her, he started to panic at that thought.
He began to see her more clearly and he saw that she was petty and self-absorbed. That she constantly complained about her friends and stupid nonsense so often, that he got tired of listening to her talk. He said when I talked about my career, he always found it interesting but her conversations about her career and her life were just plain boring and annoying. He also said she's actually not very bright and that began to bother him as well. He said her laugh is annoying, her mannerisms are annoying and the list goes on...
He said he knows I have no reason to believe him but he was done with her without a single doubt before she even called our home, and that's why he hadn't seen her for 3 weeks. He said her annoying habits and traits, combined with the fact that she acted incredibly selfish and unstable by making threats to call in the first place, had all cumulated in him being done with her.
Her actually calling was proof that he was right about what he had realized about her character. She is definitely NOT who he wants and that to be very blunt, the A could have been with anyone, and actually had very little to do with her. It was about his selfish mindset and the state of our marriage, which is why he attracted a selfish person. Ow was just there at the right time. He said it's horrible and ugly, but that's the only way to explain it because he finds her extremely unappealing as a person now.
I haven't mentioned it before but I was also surprised when I saw that ow is not very attractive. (I had Googled her name because she hung up the first time she called, and I always Google strange names that call our home and hang up). She's rather plain and not at all what I would imagine would be H's type. H said that he knows that it's obvious that I'm a lot more attractive and have a nicer body, but that it was never about looks. It was simply about that fact that she made him feel wonderful and loved. (I have also found by reading the forums as well as information on infidelity that the affair partner is usually a trade down. Interesting. I guess I always assumed the ow would be some stunning temptress).
Also interesting, is that my self-esteem has not taken a hit because of this situation. I realize this woman is not more appealing or nicer, or in anyway better than me. I have higher morals and more self-respect, and cannot EVER imagine a situation in which I'd want to "share the pain" with an innocent woman and her poor children. I've always struggled with my self-esteem so this is rather surprising to me. My pain is definitely about the betrayal and the lies. I'm jealous because she shared far too much with my H but she is not worthy of my envy. That is for sure.
I told H that sometimes when I look at him now, that I feel as if perhaps I never knew him. BUT he assures me that I did know him, and I do know him. That who he became, and what he did in the past year, is not who he really is, nor who he wants to be, and that he will never go back to that person again. He said he knows that I have no reason to believe him but he will never have an A again, and even if I divorce him, he will be a better man in his next M. An A will never be an option for him again. He's learned too much and the cost was too high. He also said it was obvious by his appearance that it was killing him. He kept getting eye infections, severe acne and was generally looking really horrible. (D16 had mentioned this to me months ago as well.)
Anyway, towards the end of our drive, H asked if I thought we could put our M back together. I said I honestly couldn't make any predictions or promises because the road ahead looked long and daunting. He began to cry and said, "Can we please just try? Can we please, E?"
I said I was overwhelmed by so many conflicting emotions and that I had no idea if we could put it back together...
But YES, we could try.
S7 who is now S8 (Happy Birthday to my beautiful boy!) is still cuddling and coddling us. He's such a loving little kid. (Yes, I will hug him for you, 25). We did talk the other night though and I asked if he had any questions or concerns but he's just happy that Daddy is still here living with us. As long as he seems happy, I don't want to bring the sitch up too much.
D is still struggling with all of this but she's doing better too. She still hasn't spoken to H and he wants to give her more time. Honestly, he's probably too raw himself to even broach the subject, but at least D is not avoiding him as much either. And I'm actually relieved to see her expressing her anger instead of going into a depression which is what she usually does in difficult situations.
It's strange now that H is clearly no long a WAS, I'm the one that is ambivalent some days. (Although, I was already heading in that direction after our Anniversary bomb). There are moments where I feel guilty for those feelings because so many posters here would give anything for another chance with their WAS, and here I am vacillating. BUT when you look at ahead and you see how long the road is and the flashbacks and the pain won't relent, it's not easy.
She is definitely NOT who he wants and that to be very blunt, the A could have been with anyone, and actually had very little to do with her. It was about his selfish mindset and the state of our marriage, which is why he attracted a selfish person. Ow was just there at the right time. He said it's horrible and ugly, but that's the only way to explain it because he finds her extremely unappealing as a person now.
