Saving the M and caring for a baby

[Eryam]

May-

Doesn't it hurt to hear your H say he doesn't like your body?
That would hurt my feelings so badly. I don't know how you deal with it.

Well, no, and here's why: He's insane.

Because I know I don't look bad, I know that he's using it as virtually my one point of weakness (like I've said previously, too bad he doesn't seem to get I'm presently quite pleased with my appearance), and I know he likes to be in control and this is one of the ways he thinks he can obtain it.

He's wrong.

Again, today, another person commented on how good I look. Screw you, H. You're whack.

I am sure to piece this M back together you need to fix the underlying problems and really can't tolerate your H controlling you, and honestly, insulting you? These things come to a head at a time like this, and need to be dealt with in a time like this. It can't be hidden, ignored or bottled up anymore.

Agreed, 100%. I believe in DR it says that it's best not to strike while the iron is hot. I kept my mouth shut for a VERY long time. I don't tolerate BS (that's what makes me a really good behaviorist for my students/patients), so biting my tongue on this has been a major test of wills for me. And it's not about blowing up per se, it's just about not calling the shots as I see them. I don't beat around the bush. I felt like we were getting to a point in our R where he could finally face the music and hear what needed to come to him.

Regardless if you really are or not, these insults towards your weight, not liking your body, as a size 4 woman who just had a baby.... has got to come from somewhere else! HE needs to deal with where that is coming from. Possibly instead of blowing up it needs to be addressed in MC? In my mind there is no excuse for treating your wife like that.

Oh yes, totally and completely inappropriate. Inappropriate for him to be so insulting and absolutely not tolerable behavior in front of my D. What the hell kind of man says that to his wife? Not a good example of what D should expect out of a husband in life. And yes, it was my bad for blowing up (and honestly, surprised the hell out of me too...), but I think the blow up was just his over the top bratty behavior the previous 24 hours. Combine that with the pain from the previous 7 months I've had to push to the side to function on a day to day basis and it just came oozing out. I most definitely plan on addressing those issues in MC. I've been waiting for this moment just for that very reason.

Devil's advocate..... in his mind, does he try to control you because he thinks your controlling him? (not saying you are, but do think that is in his mindset based on his comment in MC?)Perhaps he has nothing to dig at, so he chooses something like your weight, which obviously isn't even a real issue, but you sure could drive a post partum woman nuts with that one....

I think that's a fair assessment. I think he is the ultimate controller and when he is lost and I offer up my opinion, he sees it as a threat and then projects his need for control onto me. I think he's realized the only thing he's "got" on me is a slight insecurity with my weight (again, not at the present time) and that he makes more money than me so he exploits the hell out of it.

I just want to reach out to you - even though I might get shot down a little (I was the one who suggested you deal with your anger, but everyone immediately came to your defense).

I really appreciate the support, Lila. And yes, while I think I have anger, I don't think I would classify myself as an "angry person". I'm hoping this book I picked up will help until I figure out what to do about IC. Truly though, I think I wouldn't have blown up quite so bad in the session if he hadn't been particularly d!ckish in the previous 24 hours.

There is this strange phenomenon in therapy that happens when a patient knows they are about to be discharged (whether it's because they're doing well enough not to need treatment anymore, or because their benefits have run out or whatever). All of the sudden, despite the fact that they may have been doing well and were ready to end treatment, the patient will start having MAJOR issues again. It could be that they started getting into fights with their family members, or they suddenly don't want to go to work anymore, or maybe it's that they start doing really weird things to the therapist like showing up late to session when they've always been very prompt or doing a bunch of no-shows when they're usually really reliable.

I feel like H may be doing this.

I think he realized things were going well... really well... and now that we had to start doing the real heavy lifting (the MC work), he's going to regress and act like a child. All of the sudden those ridiculous irrational beliefs that were beginning to be buried reared their ugly heads again. I think doing the actual work for this M scares the hell out of him and is overwhelming, and rather than address it like an adult, he'll throw a temper tantrum.

When patients do it, most of the time it's unconsciously. I would not doubt this is true for H as well. It's a way of manipulating and controlling a scary situation. I don't think he's doing it to purposefully push me away, but that certainly doesn't make it acceptable behavior.

Don't move back in yet. You guys aren't ready and it sounds like based on your interactions now that things will quickly deteriorate.

Oh, HELL to the NO, I'm not moving back in yet. I even said to the T last night, "at this point, I feel like I am the one not ready to move back in". And I'm not. No, no, no. If there is any chance for our M to survive, I should absolutely 100% not be in that house with him.

Sister said today not to worry about me getting out of Dad's house for her. She said that she is much more flexible than I am and can crash on couches or whatever until she figures something out.

In the meantime, I'll just drive. Because I think you're right, he will become EVEN MORE RESENTFUL if he has to pay me money for me to live in my own place. Ridiculous, but we all know it's true. I've thought about going to a L, giving them the numbers and saying "so if this were to happen, what kind of child support would we be talking about here?" I don't want H to see it as a threat, but at the same time, I really don't think he gets it. He seems to think that because he currently pays for all of our "fixed" bills that he would get off scott free because I don't contribute financially to say, the mortgage, the phone bill, the insurance, etc. But I do pay for utilities, groceries, child care, child supplies and anything that would go wrong with the house (like a 10k AC replacement that I'm still paying off). If that were the case, how would SAHM ever get child support?

At this point, when I break down all my monthly expenses, I cannot afford rent unless it were less than 400 a month. And considering I need 2 bedrooms at minimum, that ain't gonna happen.

So either way, I'm pretty screwed financially at this point. I can crunch the numbers a few more times and see if I can trim the fat somewhere, but I live pretty frugally as it is. H says it's ridiculous I make 45k and can't live on my own.

Oh, I'm sorry, I decided to buy a new SUV and have a baby based on a JOINT INCOME. You better bet your a$$ I would not have made those decisions on my own salary. And then yes, I would be able to afford my own place. And not just some efficiency apt either.

WTF?

Yes ma'am. WTF, indeed.

Pretty sure I just need to turn my phone off for a few days.

Oh, yes, because lo and behold, this afternoon, H calls me wanting some career advice. Wanted to know what I thought of this new position being offered to him.

What's that? You want my opinion? I thought I was some heinous, controlling B. Why on earth would you want my input when you don't want anyone, lease of all ME, telling you what to do?

I just said, "I don't know what your priorities are. Until you figure that out there's nothing more I can offer you at this juncture".

Yup, turning off the phone.