Wife no longer in love with me - Part 3

[cam]

Just sent this to my W - why do I keep doing this and punishing myself:

W,

I'm sorry for calling this morning.....I guess I'm just sad and a few events have heightened that of late, mainly being X and Y getting engaged and it being 5 months today since you walked out.

Whilst I know you say too much has happened between us, I don't think it has. I am still committed to you and our marriage and still want to make this work. I have not and have no interest in being with anyone else. I am still your husband and I don't want to be or act single.
I have been doing so much work on myself and I have acknowledged and recognised my faults and contribution to where we are currently at. You have expressed your hurts and disappointment and I can see and understand what I did to make you feel that way.....everything you felt is valid.

Whilst you say we can't go back, in a way I agree. I don't want to go back to what that was like over the last 12 months - that wasn't enjoyable for anyone. Look at how often I was cranky or unhappy or a downer on things.....I wouldn't want that either. I can understand why you say you don't feel the same way about me.

I want to go back to what we had before that....the fun, laughs, bond, love we shared - all the good stuff which is still there. And I know I have the tools and experience now for us to get there. I would just like you to join me on this journey and work on fixing what we held so important in our lives - our marriage and our future together.

Cam

[MrBond]

You really need to stop doing that. Contacting her, acting needy is making things worse. It makes you feel bad and pushes her away. Read your message again. It was all about how you felt, how you feel, how her actions make you feel, etc.

What can you do to keep yourself from contacting her?

[cam]

I know, I stuffed up majorly. I am an absolute idiot.
She knows I don't want this, she is calling all the shots. I have no say in what happens to my M.

I don't normally contact her anymore. I am just going through a tougher time than usual and the reality of this being over is sinking in. I feel so desperate to beg and plead her to reconsider, to give me a chance, to see what we had. It's all wrong. I know it.

[cam]

God I have f'd up.
I've wrecked my M, my life, any chance of reconciling with my W, my future, chance to have a family with her, my happiness - everything.
My life is a complete mess.

[MrBond]

"I have no say in what happens to my M."

Yes you do have a say. What you need to do is to understand that you can't control how she feels any more than she can tell you how to feel.

Understand that she's not wanting the M right now. It doesn't mean she won't change her mind. Understand why she feels the way she does and relinquish control. You're grasping onto your R like a dying man in the desert holding onto a canteen of water. You don't need her to live.

Think about it this way. If there was a girl who was interested in you and threw herself at you begging and pleading to go out with you, would you be attracted to them?

Fear is what's driving you right now. You need to do whatever you can to get rid of that fear. Learn that you're worth something even if your W can't see that now. Just remember that there was a time that she did.

YOu need to start developing an "attitude". Kind of like a Tony Soprano thing. Get your b@lls back from your W. Be the man. You can do it.

[cam]

"
Think about it this way. If there was a girl who was interested in you and threw herself at you begging and pleading to go out with you, would you be attracted to them?

YOu need to start developing an "attitude". Kind of like a Tony Soprano thing. Get your b@lls back from your W. Be the man. You can do it.

Thanks Mr Bond. Definitely not - that is not attractive to anyone and I know what I just did was not attractive to my W. I guess in some stupid way I think that she is still attracted to me (which she has said she is), and if I tell her how committed I am to making this work then she will give it a go too. Completely wrong of me and goes against all DB principles. I am a fool.
I'm just sad at the loss of this M, the loss of our future together, angry at myself for being like I was, angry at her for not giving me a chance and almost above all I miss her and my best friend so much that I feel (and know) I will never find what we had again.

[cam]

I said to my W today that she was the most important person in the world to me. And she responded with "you never made me feel that way"

How am I ever supposed to get past that or how will she ever see anything other than that????
Hope is pretty much lost now.

[cam]

Oh boy....what a day, what a sad depressing day.
How could I have been so stupid and naive. I guess I've learnt nothing.
Tme to go to bed and try and forget this ever happened - not likely though.

[NTX_Dad]

Sorry cam, I am sure that was tough to hear.

Are you going to any kind of therapy? A good counselor could be helpful.

[In_Shock]

wow mrbond. I needed to hear that myself this am. I'm feeling the pain really bad off and on -- I needed a reminder that I do have some control. I like the way it was worded.

Cam ^^^^^^^^^ read bond's input again. Really really really simple but true. All WE can control as LBS is US. Our W's may not feel what we wish and so want them to feel right now, BUT we have to take control of ourselves. If we look weak, we look totally unattractive. Do you want her to remember you as a begging mess or a strong, attractive man who can live without her? Which man would YOU be more likely to return to one day?

Hang in there --- BUT DO THE WORK. DBing won't work if you keep breaking the cardinal rules!!!