Big hugs, May. I'm reading your sitch on the edge of my seat b/c it is so wildly similar to my sitch with exBF. Wow. Incredible. Except I could never keep my mouth shut like you. I exploded each and every time. However, now people say "you're angry" -
Truthfully, he is one of the most insanely frustrating people I know. He will call me controlling all the while telling me what types of paper towels to buy, and how to wash a dish, and why not to give D a certain thing, and how I should pull my car in the driveway, and oh, look at that little bit of "chubbiness" right there - it's like the same person. And it will drive you INSANE. (As it nearly literally did me.) I did not have nearly as much going on as you did - though I was working, nursing, not sleeping, and also pretty disturbed by the hostile hate letters his family was writing me.
But there are so many similar themes here, I just want to reach out to you - even though I might get shot down a little (I was the one who suggested you deal with your anger, but everyone immediately came to your defense).
I just think you work on you, as I have been and you have been. It will make things so much more evident to you (about what you want and expect from H).
I too would make progress and there would be some HUGE bump. I always thought of it as the universe's way of telling me "enough already" - But I'm still here.
Anyway, the mother stuff is very disturbing. My IC told me yesterday basically "You are not going to be in relationship to this man without him seeing you as MOTHER" until he does MAJOR work. (he started ic about 2 weeks ago). And that has been absolutely true for the past two years. My exBF only knew me as a mother - not as a self-employed editor, filmmaker, traveler, volunteer, writing coach, independent, etc. And the mother stuff majorly kicked up issues for him. I won't go into it b/c I know it's not DBing (the ifs, buts, whys, wheres, etc.) But it is so hard to deal with. Everything your saying just reeks of his discomfort around it and your loneliness and anger and feeling that you are taking care of another child.
Don't move back in yet. You guys aren't ready and it sounds like based on your interactions now that things will quickly deteriorate.
I am living in my home with exBF paying the bills (only for a short time longer) and he has an apartment and he RESENTS me for having to pay this. Even though it was his choice to move out, and I don't want to uproot us over his idiotic quest for "freedom" - but whatever. I don't think that set up would make any sense to your H and I think it would only increase his anxiety around and issues with money.
Of course, it makes sense to me. And it seems like a lovely option for you and your daughter to get to return to your home and HE be the one to have to inconvenience himself. IN FACT HE SHOULD STEP UP AND DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE. But that's not the reality right now.
I say, get a place with your sis and be keep doing what you're doing. That is the best option. Albeit maybe not the most convenient.
And don't play victim around him stealing precious time for you and D. I still hurt over that, but I've found ways to really feel so much gratitude toward this opportunity to be a mom to the loveliest little creature on earth that it erases that horrible feeling that it somehow got stolen.
