My W dropped the bomb 4 weeks ago, "I am unhappy in our M." So, here we are a month later and we seem to be doing much better. I don't know what to think. I am moving forward with my counselor and GALing and it would be nice to think the worst is over but I am afraid to trust what she says. I want to believe it but I thought we were ok a month ago and look where that got me. I guess it doesn't make difference either way from the standpoint of what I need to do. I am becoming a better H and can see 2 distinct pieces of the puzzle: A) I could have done a lot better job and been a better H. I was focus more on me than was healthy (no matter what the reason) and failed to see where she was struggling. I failed to do my part to meet her needs and now see that she benefits from 'touch' and 'time' and not 'acts' and 'gifts'. Ok, that's part of what I learned. The other portion of this is that I am a good guy with plenty of good qualities and I don't need my W to say that I have value and worth for it to be true.
So, where do I go from here? I have not finished the DR book and maybe the answers are in the book. I would really like to think that our R isn't hanging by a thread or that my W won't have a change of heart tomorrow or the next day and drop another bomb (or worse, a more painful one....) I consider myself very lucky compared to what some of you have gone through. At least for now, it does not appear that there has been an EA. This is so exhausting..... Any thoughts you might have are welcome.
Willing1
___________ Me: 49 W: 51 Together 24 (M 17) SS31 SD 28 S 17 Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011 Still hopeful.
Be wary, if it is an MLC, then she could change her mind tomorrow. For me, in hindsight, I saw my wife redouble her effort in what I believe was an attempt to convince herself to stay, or to see if I would keep screwing up.
Finish the DR book. Learn from it. Keep posting here for support, idea's and insight.
That being said, statistically? 4 weeks would be a very fast MLC...however...screw the numbers. Aim to be the 1 that bucks the odds. A person who lives by the numbers usually quits by the numbers.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks. It can be difficult to know what is real. It doesn't take long to feel like none of this makes sense. I will read and keep moving forward...I guess there isn't much else to do (that makes good sense) anyway. Thanks
___________ Me: 49 W: 51 Together 24 (M 17) SS31 SD 28 S 17 Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011 Still hopeful.
I agree with Jack. I keep thinking "walk softly and carry a big stick" and I have no idea where I'm getting that from--you can google it--it's probably a movie or something ;-)
Sometimes I really wish I hadn't been such a Pollyanna when my XH did this and then roped me in for several months of "bliss" only to THEN drop OW on me...but that was him. Don't let that make you make assumptions, but be very careful as well...
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
It's interesting....as sad as this whole thing has been and as emotionally devastated as I have felt, I still have such incredible empathy for those of you that have had it worse than I have. I realize that my W may come home tonight and admit some EA and drop the death blow (I pray she doesn't) but it is clear that you all have survived it. Right? Life does seem to go on.
I had a friend that went through a tough divorce a few years ago and there was OM involved. I didn't know what to say to him at the time other than I felt bad for him and believed he would survive and come out of it stronger and better off. He was the first person I called after my W dropped her bomb on me. I told my friend how sorry I was that I had no idea the depth of his pain and despair had been. I felt like I had been the world's worst friend. Of course, he said to not feel bad that you can't know what this feels like until you experience it and that I did help him.
I would not wish this on anyone. I don't want the growth opportunity. I want to be able to trust my W again. This stinks! Thank you all for the support.
I am off to read my DR book some more. I will watch closely and remain positive yet cautious. What else can I do, right?
___________ Me: 49 W: 51 Together 24 (M 17) SS31 SD 28 S 17 Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011 Still hopeful.
I agree with Jack. I keep thinking "walk softly and carry a big stick" and I have no idea where I'm getting that from--you can google it--it's probably a movie or something ;-)
I believe this is a quote from President Roosevelt.
Willing I agree with what has been written so far, a few things come to my mind.
A MLC does not have to have an EA/PA although it normally does. And the most confusion in the crisis is at the start and end of the tunnel.
So I hate to say this but stay on alert, read the book and the resources here, and be prepared(boy scout motto).
Thanks all. As much as I would like to believe the 'code red' is over, I know that isn't true. First of all, I have a lot of growth yet to accomplish. I have made a good start but a month does not count for a 'new me'.
For today, I will continue toward being not just the best spouse I know I am capable of being but the best father, son, sibling, neighbor, friend, etc. that I can also be. The more accomplished I become in these roles and the better job I do at detaching and accepting those around me, the less I find it necessary to obsess over the R. The attempt to control the outcome of the R is an illusion anyway. There is no controlling it. All we have is the ability to change self...and to the extent that the change in self effect those around us but there isn't any magic 'go fix her' or 'go fix him' program that will work.
I am actually familiar with the concepts embodied in the DB / DR program & books. I just never thought of these principles in terms of marriage and relationships and I certainly never thought I would be facing the prospect of a divorce. Never say never and don't take good things for granted. I realize that I could have taken a different route years ago and worked toward an almost flawless execution of these steps and principles and STILL ended up in this same place which takes us back to the 'you have no control' viewpoint.
Thanks again for all the support. I might as well settle in a little bit. The long part of the journey is here, I think.
___________ Me: 49 W: 51 Together 24 (M 17) SS31 SD 28 S 17 Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011 Still hopeful.
I am hoping your code red is over too. My h dropped the bomb and here I am almost 3 months later....and he seems to be having a change of heart anout leaving. I try to keep my hopes neutral because mlc is unpredictable. What he says one day may change in a few days. He cries often and talks about how he wants to be free and fights guilt.
It has been sooo hard because I found out quickly that i cant fix this. I feel somewhat powerless.
The only thing helping me is prayer and coming here to read through threads.
I agree with Antonia, to be on your guard a bit. It took me a month 1/2 before i finally found out there was an ow he at work he had been pursuing. She left the country for 6 months. He made plans to chase her in emails, divorce me before she came back to the states. Then he found out recently ow does not reciprocate his feelings. He had a huge fantasy built up of her.
I was totally blind sided by this. Now that i look back...all the signs of a ow were right there plain as day. I just did not see it.
Thank you. I agree that the MLCer seems to change their mind quickly and frequently. It feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back sometimes. I think my W is afraid she will loose 'something' if she decides to commit and stay. I don't believe she knows what the 'it' is that she would be loosing and that makes it difficult for her.
I also agree that I can not change her. I now think to myself, if I was her, would I be attracted to me? I can see where my pleading her to stay or begging or making her feel guilty or showing how great our M was is not going to make me look attractive. So, all I have that I can do is to work on me.
I would be attracted to me if I was happy, energetic, working on myself, becoming involved in the world and showed signs that I am a fun, kind, loving person that is not done growing and striving to be 'more'. I think she wants to be with some one that wants more from life. I know that I want more from life and this growing and rebuilding process is good for me no matter what happens with the R.
I have been in a better place recently and some of that obviously has to with us getting along better but I have been out doing more for me and not sitting around waiting for her to come. That behavior just felt to pathetic to continue. I do not want to be a puppy dog sitting by the door waiting for her to come home. I am a human with a car and can go anywhere I want. It is time for me to see what life has in store for me.
I will pray for you and I have Sooo much more empathy for anyone struggling along these lines than I used to. My dentist's lab tech said she was going through a D and I almost wanted to reach over and give her a hug and tell her she would be ok no matter what happened with the D. I didn't hug her.....that would have been over the line but I did talk with her for a minute and allowed her to share her feelings with me for a minute. I actually felt better just by listening and she seemed to feel better too.
I really don't what it is that I am trying to say other than we will be ok. You will be ok, I will be ok, and maybe they will be ok too. I can only work on me today and I am not sure exactly but that seems good enough for today. Growth perhaps?
Will
___________ Me: 49 W: 51 Together 24 (M 17) SS31 SD 28 S 17 Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011 Still hopeful.
Will, for me it does seem to be one step forward, two steps back. One day h is doing okay, next morning... falling apart.
It's very hard not to pursue. I was reading something in a vet's tip thread that spoke to me today. That our spouse is like a frail baby bird in our hand. Maybe we can gently stroke it, or touch it, but to crush it may make it fly away.
Thanks for the prayers. Peace and prayers to you too.
