Sunday I was very irritated with H at the grocery store because he kept trying to tell me what to buy, or rather, what not to buy. I had a grocery list from my recipe website to follow and he kept trying to prevent me from buying mayonnaise. Kept saying, “it’s unhealthy, you don’t need it”. I’m so tired of his controlling crap. Especially when he says things about food when I know he’s been mainly eating hot wings, pizza, and ice cream while I’ve been out of the house. I don’t have a problem with his diet, but I do have a problem with him getting onto me for being “unhealthy” when I work my a$$ of running and eating good home cooked meals and he lives like that.
I told him that ¼ cup of mayonnaise will not ruin the health quality of the meal and he should be thankful that I’m making him something (oh yes, he specifically asked me to take him to the grocery store and pick out food to make meals for him, so this excursion wasn’t my idea). He continued to go on about me picking out “unhealthy” food (it was all prescribed food for these low carb recipes and nothing else) and he could sense my frustration, so he finally calmed down.
Then Monday night I make dinner, and he said there wasn’t enough food, I shouldn’t eat as much as he does, and I shouldn’t drink iced tea because it is “unhealthy”. It wasn’t even sweet tea! Oh, and don’t forget I’m running after 6 extremely autistic children all day at work, training for a 5k and nursing. Yet, somehow, I’m supposed to eat less than him.
Then we go to MC. Initially it starts out pretty well. At least we both have the same view of how this all went down, and he admits that this all started when I became pregnant and that he has depression. And then the repressed anger over the past 7 months just comes flooding out. I tell the T that he is a very difficult person to live with and I am an extremely patient person and I am not sure what to do at this point. That I want things to work out, but at this point I’m having a really hard time. I also told her how I felt that he is extremely controlling over lots of things: what I eat, how I eat, how I spend money, how I save money, how the chores are done, etc. He retorted that he does that because he feels like I’m a child that has to be parented. I pointed out to him how I’ve done fine over the past few months without him “monitoring” my every move. I just get angrier and angrier. Eventually the session concludes with the T asking if we want to come again next week. I say, “sure, H?” He says, “I guess I have no choice”.
This just makes me irate. I say, “no, you always have a choice. Man up, and make a f-ing choice and stop blaming me for your BS. Do you want to be here or not?!”
“This is you just trying to control me”
I look at the T and say, “do you see what I’m dealing with?!”
She calls the session at this point and says to call before Saturday to let her know if we plan on returning.
On the car ride home and back at the house we say nothing about the session. We’re pretty pleasant to each other for the remainder of the evening (actually, the only reason this is true on my behalf is because I chose to keep my mouth shut as much as possible). I go to sleep furious and wake up this morning with my jaw as tight as a drum. We argue for another half hour this morning. His argument is still about money and how he doesn’t like my body, or specifically, my arms. Says it feels like we’re putting a “round peg in a square hole”
Eventually after I’ve gone to work I cool down a little and say I’m sorry for being so angry and exploding, but I am terrified and literally have nowhere to live for me and D in 3 weeks. He says he understands. I ask if he’s still mad at me and I never hear back again.
I’m so glad I’m going back to my dad’s tonight. I do not want to be around H right now.
I think I’m going to pick up the book “The Dance with Anger”. It’s specifically geared towards women. At least the T acknowledged that I have a lot to be angry about and did tell H his view on needing to “father” me is ridiculous. I could get more into that, but I’m pressed for time at this moment. But the T did recommend IC for me to “grieve” over the loss of my pregnancy. I am still incredibly resentful for that. I feel like one of the most precious times of my life was stolen from me.
At this point I don’t think I have the time or money for IC. But hopefully this book will get me through until I figure something out. [/quote
I'm speechless, (which is RARE...) So
WTF?
I still say you're a saint. And if I say anymore, it won't be pro- m.
sorry May
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
