Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

[aeolianchaos]

I think you're feelings make a lot of sense under the circumstances.

But you also see that you have alternative ways to look at it, and that is a good thing.

Have an awesome birthday!!! You've certainly grown up a lot this year.

[~¤DG¤~]

Happy Birthday Valeska. I truly hope today is a special day for you.

I had my 1st bday without my H in May. Our anniversary was in June, and his bday is in a few weeks. It is hard to spend all these occasions without him, but I remind myself that it won't always feel like this.

You have grown so much. Be proud of yourself.

[JustStunned]

Val, she sent a birthday greeting. Expectations of something more are causing disappointment. Let go of the expectations. Show yourself some compassion. You’ve looked at yourself honestly and grown as a person.

Happy Birthday! I plan on having an IPA later and will toast your growth and health.

[jbnati]

Happy Birthday Val!!

Take the positives out of the fact your W did send you a birthday greeting.

Hope you did and/or will do something special for yourself today! You deserve it!!

[Valeska19]

Thank you all for the birthday wishes and support!

Overall - My Birthday went well

Saturday - I was picked up and driven to paintball. I was completely taken care of. We played at multiple courses. I was shot first in my pinkie, followed by a bunch in my face (Thankfully I wore a mask). Towards the end, we were all on the same team.. labeled "Val's bada$$es". It was awesome!

From there we went to lunch at a small little diner. I remember looking at the table and thinking "all these friends have been with me through this sh!t! I couldn't have asked for a better group of people"

Later I threw a party. About 25 people came. A g/f came over to do my hair and make-up. I danced my a$$ off. It was great.

Missed my w very little that day.

Lots of Love followed at church on Sunday.. and a hang over. Posted my pics on FB, 5 minutes later… my w unmarried us. Still kept me on as a friend though. Guess god answered that prayer.. at least for now.

Yesterday was probably one of the most stressful days at set however I was joyous and very upbeat. I mentioned how I cried in the morning, but I prayed hard that God remind me of the love in my life and he provided. None stop love from the crew, followed by tons of emails and post. I was swamped with it. I missed my w.. but even she too wished me happy b-day. Got off that emotional rollercoaster pretty fast.

Went out or beers with my bestie after work and we talked about the year. What was amazing was how much positivity came out of my mouth. I'm getting a divorce. I lost my best friend and the woman that I can honestly say, loved more than anyone. I should have said that this year sucked…

But instead.. I am building deeper relationship with friends. Work has improved tremendously.

My r with my w might be over, but I spent 6 months putting in every effort to save my m. Really trying to understand her perspective, fears, wants.. and put mine aside. To give love with out expectations (I know I still struggle with them). To work on stuff that bothered her (needy, controlling, negative). I lost the battle, but I can say that I didn't lose the war. I don't regret a thing.

I have grown so much in the past year. I feel more positive and more loving. My anger still comes up, but it doesn't consume me. I am happier. I look forward to pushing my growth further.

My bestie's response… "Yeah.. I definitely see that in you now. You've really changed in the past year."

Came home to a card from MIL. She wished me the best and said thanked me for taking care of her daughter while we were together. She told me to remember the good times w and I shared, and not get stuck in the bad stuff. It was signed from her and "Gram X". I cried. I loved w's gram. She treated me like a granddaughter.

I'm thinking about writing MIL a response back. First to say thanks, and then to say what's on my mind. Her and w have a crappy relationship.. I know they both want one, but are stuck in so much fear to move forward. I know it's not my place, but now that my own mother is sick and my limited time with her is becoming more apparent, I want to say something about not allowing fear to paralyze them. I will think on it .. maybe post here about it.

Spent the rest of the night thanking the 80 people that wished me happy birthday on FB That took a little bit of time but if they took the time to write "HB".. I could take the time to write "thx". Plus alot of the posts were super loving. Just another reminder of how much Love my birthday was full of.

Responded to w as well. "Thanks for the email. I appreciate you thinking of me today!"

And that my friends was my 1st birthday w/o my w in a long time. Fully of sadness and joy, disappointment and love, expectations - both good and bad.

P.S. Aeo, JS, and Tele.. been really thinking about what you said. I can't seem to post anything about it as I am on my own emotional rollercoaster right now. Trying to figure out the truth, my wants, my boundaries. Thank you for posing the hard questions… it just means I have to look hard for the answers.

[Truegritter]

Val

Haven't posted to you before but read what you write to others and you are full of good wisdom.

Happy B-day! (belated)

The thing is. Recognizing significant dates is difficult for them.

It is anethema (sp?) to what they believe right now.

If we try to recognize it...it feels like pressure to them.

Best to just celebrate yourself. Fill the void of their not having recognized it. Or your desire of how nice it would be if they did.

Then you begin to be free of that...

Be well.

[Valeska19]

Thanks Gritter. I read your feedback to others as well.

I'm sure it was very difficult for w. I can't read my w's mind or her intentions, but her action.. was a nice gesture. I was definitely reacting yesterday at first, but today I can just be happy with that.

Baby steps to freedom...

I appreciate you stopping by my thread. Thank you!

[Valeska19]

Brief Journal,
Sent email to pastor asking if he was available to mediate between w and I the first week of October. I still don't feel ready to deal with this.. but I can't run from it either. She has been patient with my work schedule. I should at least push myself a little bit and show her the same courtesy. If I'm still not suppose to meet up with her I know God will take care of it. If I am, he will take care of me.

My GALing the Sh!t out of this weekend consists of working on a music video. Song is pretty cool and the folks seem great. Working 12 straight, 14 hour, days will be exhausting.. maybe I will sleep more than 5 hrs a night.

Extra cash will be nice too. I might as well act like a squirrel storing nutz for the winter. You never know what the future holds.

[~¤DG¤~]

Valeska I admire you so much, you have no idea.

Your discussion with your friend reminds me a lot of how I feel on most days.
My world should be coming apart, but instead I feel more blessed and loved than ever. It's situations like this where you find out who your friends are.

[In_Shock]

i hope you CAN sleep more than 5 hours. Enjoy the work and enjoy the rest! Have a great weekend.