Its apparent that my wife now has OM. She is bringing him before my kids and they are spending allot of time together. She is rubbing this guy in my face by driving up to her house with him in her car and having him answer her phone when I call. When I react, she puts on this HUGE act that she’s a victim and she gets the kids to ask me why am I reacting the way I do. We just had a huge shouting match on the phone and she started going off and telling the kids what a horrible person I am.
The OM is 25 years old. W is 38. She says he is just a FRIEND and that he is very good with her and the kids. Yeah right!
The argument started this morning when she told me that she signed up my 13 year old to her gym. This was planned for him and I. I later discovered that OM goes to that gym and it appears that she wants him to train my son.
She doesn’t allow me to in her home to play with my kids, but she lets OM go in and do so.
I really thought I was seeing some light but now, OM is bomb drop #2!
Her and I have allot of text battles. Yes, I know, I shouldn’t do it. But Im really trying to not have her bait me. So, she is showing the kids all the texts. I have COUNTLESS text of my wife calling all sorts of horrors but I would NEVER show those to the kids!
Currently W is not working. Going to school full time. Clubbing, skating, and now, hanging with OM. Basically living the life of a careless teenager. Ive been trying to honor her buy supporting her while she doesn’t work but I get nothing but continuous venom spewing and hatred.
I’m still living with dad for a couple of reasons…
He is showing signs of Alzheimer’s. He is a high risk for falls and I’m trying to save to get my own place. A big chunk of my $ has been going to W to help her with the bills at her house while she doesn’t work. Not only am I paying child support, but I’m doing extra stuff as well.
Here’s the thanks I got from her just the other day after she asked for more $…
“Omg, you are such a loser! You are rotting away in your fathers retirement home and you are not even man enough to get a second job to get your own apartment. I hate you! I don’t want to look at you, hear from you, nor be near you!”
Well guys, to be honest with you. I’ve considered taking on a second job. However, that would mean less time with my kids and my church counts on my serving for allot of things. And dad needs me there as well.
Any advice? Is this still the “replay monster”?
Do they REALLY get this bad?
Have a wonderful weekend!
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
“Omg, you are such a loser! You are rotting away in your fathers retirement home and you are not even man enough to get a second job to get your own apartment. I hate you! I don’t want to look at you, hear from you, nor be near you!”
Not to much to offer today man. I think in truth your wife IS a teenager in a grown up body right now.
Now for you...keep in mind PERCEPTIONS are not reality, that your w, has no inkling of what you've got to contend with nor the capacity at this time to care or even really understand. She's on the outside looking in.
My reply to the above: " Stop with the name calling and insults w it's uncalled for. We are both adults. You've made your opinion very clear to me. It's unfortunate, but I understand your perception."
My two cents. FWIW
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Are any of those, things you think you should address for YOU ?
The OM being around....that is a hard one to stomach, and I understand your pain there...
This OM....there IS a chance that this person could potentially be in your children's lives for a long time....
It is normal and actually healthy to feel that anger towards him because he gets to do some things with your children....
But he is a choice that your spouse has made, and once you move down the path a little further, and understand what it means to fully accept your wife's actions and choices, you will feel differently..
I know that you may feel justified in talking smack about him in front of your children....
Don't do it man....
Don't show them how to hate him , and eventually their Mother..
I'm not saying to send them a nice warm and fuzzy Christmas card or anything....just think of what your words and actions say before you act on them...
MLC......
It's a hard , long road , with MANY turns and twists that can sneak up on you quick...
Ultimately, it is your decision on whether or not you stand....You are here, so that is your choice...
Go back and read your post from 8-25-2011 and most of your answers are in there..VERY GOOD POST ...
Maybe think about what stings and what doesn't sting...think about how YOU want to respond or better yet...not engage her in these discussions....
Remember...None of what they say, and half of what they do...
I know OM MIGHT be in their lives for quite some time or maybe not. The thing is, I met him. Not by choice. He seems to be an ok guy and Im secure enought in my masculinity to say that hes an ok looking guy. Well built just like me. But he has these type of green eyes you can see from a mile away but he's 25 years old! This guy can find a young hotty and start fresh. What in the heck does he want with a woman pushing 40 with three kids and a mother in law in the house?
Did it sting when my wife called me a loser? In a way, yes. Because Im stuck in a retirement because I wanted to help her out a little more and I got it hurt that I got that reply. Its my choice to stay there with good intentions but she reversed it to make me look bad.
This is not the girl I married. I hope she comes along to at least salvage a friendship!
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
don't engage in any more text wars. There are 3 possible responses when they spew or revise the marital history. You choose.
1) if they revise the marital history so wildly you are not even sure an event actually happened, let alone their version of it, you say
"Wow, I sure don't recall it that way but I'm sorry if you felt upset/hurt by it."
**(Note...don't deny out of hand. I once did that and said h was "lying," only to hear from my kids that the event HAD occurred & I had literally forgotten...ooops...my bad)**
2) If the revision has some merit, or a lot, and you wish you could go back in time to change YOUR behavior/reaction, you say "Yes well, if I had it to do over again, there are A LOT of things I'd do differently."
Neither of these replies worsens or escalates or makes you a doormat. They cannot really argue with either and the 2nd one shows YOU GET IT...and you are changing...
3) if the comment/message or revision seems important but you are STUCK w/ not knowing how the heck to answer, or IF to answer, you can say "W, I heard you. I'm sure there's a perfect response to that statement, but it escapes me at the moment."
No more arguing. It never helps and often worsens things. If she out and out lies, a simple denial suffices...
but mostly the above answers cover it all. You are fighting way too much with her
and challenging her choices. That makes her defend the choices and that cements them in her head.
I doubt a 25 y/o good looking guy in good shape is going to want to move in with a mother of 3 and HER mother too....good luck on that r lasting.
But now BACK TO YOU AND YOUR GAL....
I want to hear a lot more about THAT....
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I wrote a LOOONG response per your GAL request. Hope you saw it. If you need a little more, let me know. There's just been a couple of additions to it.
Have a great weekend!
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
I pick up my kids kids every morning for school. Today, my alarm didn't wake me up so I texted W and told her to please take them. Mind you, shes not working and can take them them to school. I do it so I can have my mornings with them. She replied telling me that I was an irresponsible a hole!
I thought I was seeing some improvement but since OM came in the picture, her behavior and venom spewing has gotten worse.
Can any one share a story our guide me to a link that I can read how people react during replay? W is bragging about how she has her diplomas and she gets VIP treatment everywhere she goes and that I'm just a loser with a HS diploma. Yet my career pays me more than she ever made. And now shes bragging about how OM is yummy and that he comes from a rich family.
Ya think this is replay? I mean, if I were really the problem as she claims me to be, now that shes rid of me, why act this way? Looking for every reason took bash on me? Why hasn't she filed yet?
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
W is bragging about how she has her diplomas and she gets VIP treatment everywhere she goes and that I'm just a loser with a HS diploma... And now shes bragging about how OM is yummy and that he comes from a rich family.
Bet that bothers you bit. Bet she sees it. I wonder how long she'd keep pressing that button if you didn't react to it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
She was able to get her diplomas through, of course, hard work and because we supported each other as a family. After she got her first masters for teaching, she quickly grew unsatisfied with it because teachers are getting the shaft down her in Florida. I was planning on getting my own education but, she had already signed up for yet another career. I didn’t bother fighting it. I just let her do it to make her happy. I had to work. Her reason for doing this at the time was for her family. Including me. Of course, that’s the same lame excuse she gave for having plastic surgery… It was supposed to be all for me. And, I had told her before all of this not to let it get to her head because she could end up destroying her family.
Now, shes not working and going full time to school. Im supporting her and her mom is paying all the bills while she has her boy toy. And when I need to talk to her about the kids, she has HIM answer her phone. I mean, REALLY?
OH, she also made it a point to tell me that she does NOT love me. She just has small feelings for me because Im the father of her 3 kids.
OMG do they EVER wake up from this?!? I had to block her phone from receiving texts because the spewing does not stop! So what does she do now??? She is using my sons phone to rip into me!
I look back at how she was and she was an angel!
Jack, if you don’t mind, in your situation was there a replay stage? Was it bad?
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
Jack, if you don’t mind, in your situation was there a replay stage? Was it bad?
I post in MLC don't I? Direct answer, yes.
That's a long explantion for a simple question. I don't really care about the 'why's' or 'how come's'...they are important only in so much that they aid in figuring out what to change.
The goal, that is what I care about. The changes required to make it there.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
