finding my center

[TAMF]

I have read and reread everyone's posts to me. I have also looked around on other posts for 25yearsmlc advice. I have gone into the piecing threads (even though I am far from piecing, I just wanted to see what they were doing and how they were handling thier sitches. I read this...

25yearsmlc quote:
the situation reverses itself often.
We've posted/discussed that a lot. Whereby the LBSer starts to feel like the WASer
b/c the WAS turns around to return or at least seriously probes,
but oops, we LBSers got dealt a lousy hand awhile back. So we played our lousy hand as best we could,
and sometimes we GAL, and managed to find some balance and it's really hard to give that up so we can go back to crazy land.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^and that is how I feel right now^^^^^^^^^^

I really do love my life and I am happy. I have a better relationship – as friends – with H than most of the couples that are piecing right now. So I am totally okay with moving on with my life as is, and being friends with H. I know we would be okay.

But then I look at what I just wrote and I see the tragedy of it all. How can two people who loved each other so much for so long that even during the very worst of times can continue with a wonderful friendship – NOT MAKE IT WORK?

I also realized that when I went out and GAL – I lost my patience. I was unhappy with limbo land. And I don’t want to be unhappy.

Last night H text me that he was sad that I didn’t say goodbye to him yesterday morning when he was at the house and I left for work.

I apologized for not saying goodbye. It wasn’t on purpose.

He text that he tried to leave me alone this past weekend because he knew how much he was upsetting me. I thanked him.

He replied with: I am sooo confused!

M: I feel like a weeble wobble back and forth. ½ of me holds onto u forever the other ½ is done. I get so angry when u tell me over and over that u r breaking up but never do. But I realize that I add to your confusion! One minute I will do anything to get u back and the next minute I am done with u. Weeble wobble. I am sorry.

H: Don’t be sorry. I am pathetic.

M: Well let’s see…I beg and plead and cry for you to give us a chance…then I go out and get a life without you because I have to…so when your fog starts to clear suddenly I don’t need u anymore and I am happy without you. That has to be hard.

H: Yeah

M: for that I’m sorry, and for everything else I’m sorry too. Not listening, working too much, controlling. I did my best to love you tho.

H: I have sooo much love in my heart for you.

But even though he says this to me, he lives with his girlfriend and tells her that he loves her too.

So sad.