You asked a few posts back, "those of you who have successfully turned your lives around: How did you do it? How long did it take? How did you change even just one aspect of your behaviour that has been ingrained in your psyche since you were born, just because you realize that it is not the right thing? How could you stop from letting yourself slide down the old familiar ways? What kind of vigilance is required for this?"
Clearly there can be no one-plan-fits-all solution, but I wanted to describe what worked for me. A day came when I realized I had to make a choice whether to stand for the M, or give up on my H. I spent the day in bed crying (my H had just admitted that part of him knew he and the OW were not "just friends"), but beyond the enormous hurt and betrayal, I asked myself whether I still loved H--and realized I did. So I determined to act towards him from a place of love, not hurt.
I also thought through all the ways I'd behaved (and things I'd refused to do in the M) and considered whether those actions represented the "best" me. I could see, historically, what issues in my life caused me to behave in ways I was less than proud of, but I forgave myself for those and determined to change.
Of course, some days I found myself backtracking a bit, but I'd reaffirm that this was not how I wanted to be, I'd mentally investigate why I slipped up, I'd forgive myself, and I would continue toward becoming my ideal self. I actually felt really good about myself as I continued to be the LBS.
I believe the key here is the forgiveness--if you can forgive yourself, you will then be able to forgive your H as well, so that you don't keep reaching a bursting point. Because I notice a bit of a pattern where you routinely describe being frustrated/angry/upset with yourself. Have you tried working with a counsellor on this?
Your initial question was, how do you change something that's been ingrained in your psyche since birth? I don't believe that we're born with issues--we acquire them in response to dynamics in our FOO. As such, it is possible to unlearn them again, and this change represents our finally reaching maturity. Change is possible.
