I Tap Out 2

[thatgirl007]

Wanted to update my sitch since I haven't in a awhile.

I had a trying week or so. It was full of drama, probably the most drama-filled of all since H left. There were arguments, threats (by H - not against me, but against some perceived future OM), anger and lots of tears. But, in the long run, none of it meant much. H was simply panicking at the thought of actually losing my love - a love that he has grown to believe will always be there for him despite his actions.

Seeing him with OW#4 and listening to his response to everything was a line for me . It turned the tide for me from underneath it all wanting to save the M, to feeling as if I do not want to save the M. I've been sitting with that feeling for awhile, trying to process it and figure out if it is real.

I still see H every, single day. And we are nice, still talk, and laugh. H is still texting multiple times a day. I think that he might be operating under the false assumption that things are back to status quo. He even mentioned coming over one night. I just glossed over the suggestion and moved the topic along, it wasn't even an internal fight. I honestly don't want him in my place, it doesn't feel right anymore.

I do still love him but not more than I love myself. Despite all of the good times, our history and the vows we made to each other, H is not good for me - and I do not love myself as much when I am with him, because he doesn't love me the way that a wife should really be loved. It is sad, because I really do think that he loves me with all of his heart, but I believe that his selfishness and narcissism cloud even the strongest of loves for him.

And so...I think in a sense I am now a WAW. Because if H wanted to come back today, I would say no. I do not believe in his ability to love me the way that I deserve and I do not believe in his ability to maintain a healthy M.

So, that's where I am.