Wife Says I fill her with hate when she sees me

[adinva]

Here's what my counselor said about situations like you describe with the over-the-top screaming and swearing. First, when things are calm, have a discussion. Whether you end up together or apart, you're going to be communicating over the kids and other matters. You are no longer going to accept x, y, and z (for example, raised voice, vulgar language). Will she agree to that? When those things happen, say, you'll let her know you need to end the conversation and come back to it later. Ask her if there are any rules she'd like to have with regard to your behavior in an argument so that she also doesn't become frustrated and the conversation doesn't become unproductive. This will constitute a verbal contract about how you'll communicate during a disagreement. If she does x, y, or z you do what you said and end the conversation. Not in a punitive way, but as a rule you both agreed to. If you have a disagreement where she stays respectful and calm, compliment and thank her for showing respect.

In my situation, I thought I was the innocent victim. After we were asked to think of our rules for "fair fighting," my rule for H was respectful tone/no sarcasm. His rule for me was don't change the subject and don't ignore what he's saying. I had to become humble and admit to myself that I wasn't such an innocent victim. My habit of ignoring might have started as a defense mechanism but it became more of an act of disrespect over time. One of my 180s is to really listen and show that I heard.

What you might try - imagine a protective barrier that her hurtful words bounce off. Be the adult, set the boundary and walk away when talk is unproductive. Imagine that she's a toddler having a tantrum when she yells and screams.

I'm wishing you the best. It sounds like you have done amazing things in your career - don't forget you are that same person. You're going through a hard time but you are still you. Do more of the things that make you feel strong and centered.

Adinva