Some may remember that W was going to file for a D online, which you can do here in PA. She's been dragging her feet on this, but when I found out the OM had moved in this weekend, I decided to at least start the process by completing a Marital Property Agreement. I needed the VIN# for her car and details about her IRA to complete it, so I e-mailed her requesting that information. She of course wanted to know why so I told her.
She seemed a little upset in her response, so I asked what was wrong. She asked me to call her; I went into an empty office, closed the door and called.Found out that on Saturday SS24-her oldest-had gone to her house to pick up his brother, saw the OM and his mother there and tore into W, setting off quite an argument and ending with him telling her she was nothing to him.
Ouch.
I said I was sorry to hear that. She then said,"I've screwed everything up so bad that my own son is writing me off."
Yes, and my kids, and our friends, and your younger sister...but I held my tongue.
I asked her why the OM had shown up so soon, since I was under the impression it was going to be several months until he arrived. "Yes," she said," he wasn't supposed to be here for several months, but something happened that he had to leave and get here."
Hmmm...
She continued, "It's been a crazy mess. And you need to know - and I know you don't believe me - but there is nothing going on with us, and no way I want that."
Well, I still don't believe that, but I let it go by.
I asked if she was having second thoughts. "Yes, I am. I have no idea what I'm doing any more."
She then asked me if I would not rush the D procedure. "Sure", I said. "I'm OK with that."
She started to cry, whispered, "Thank you" and that was that.
I've got to really think about all of this.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Yes, some careful consideration is called for. What is it you want the outcome to be? She has not stated what she wants, or that she acknowledges she wants you to do something aside from slowing down.
That you have empathy for her is to your credit. You are an honorable person. Whatever direction you decide to go be compassionate in action. That is not the same as doormat.
That said OM is in a position to take advantage any number of ways protect yourself
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Tele: You are a kind and generous man. Many on these boards have predicted that your W's arrangement would deteriorate, but it is amazing how quickly it has gone south. She has made the mess and now she has to figure out how to fix it. I think you are a good man to give her the time and space to do so.
As we have said a hundred times: time and patience. Hang in there and be strong.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
IF...and this is a big if...W really does think she's going to have a platonic relationship with OM, I don't see him thinking the same. Nobody moves 1700 miles just to be roomies.
Not sure how to broach that subject with W, or if I even should.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Hard as it may seem, I suggest you do not broach the topic. Yes, I agree someone does not move 1700 miles to be in a platonic relationship. But, then again, they don't move their mother there first either. This has bizarre written all over it. It is all going to fall apart in the relatively near future. Let it run its course. Stand back and let it happen. Be as uninvolved as you possibly can be.
Time and patience.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
That seems right, to stand back and let events unfold. I have nothing to lose by doing that, and at this point I can play the detached guy pretty well.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
